What the Heck Do You Know?
Doesn’t Want To Live In A World Without Molly Ivins

681) Match the description with the product it refers to: a) gourmet
b) premium
c) chic
d) classic
e) boutique

i) popcorn
ii) shampoo
iii) hamburger buns
iv) discount broker
v) trailer park

 682) The Liberal Party intends to join with the NDP and the Bloc to reject a motion to extend “preventive arrests” and “investigative hearings,” even though the Liberals first passed the anti-terrorist legislation when they were in power. Why? a) the Conservatives might actually use those powers
b) the United States has given “extraordinary powers” a bad name
c) the Liberals got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and they’re feeling contrary

 683) What can you expect when you’ve “drunk the Kool Aid?” a) pink pee
b) six hours of dry mouth, the munchies and the sinking feeling that you no longer have any moral compass (if you ever did)
c) crude and generally unfunny comparisons to Jim Jones

 684) What is the funniest name in the current American government? a) Peter B. Teets, undersecretary of the Air Force and director of the National Reconnaissance Office
b) Maj. Gen. Benjamin Freakley, one of the commanders in Afghanistan
c) George W. Bush, President (or so they say)

685) Ted Haggard, evangelical preacher, meth addict and gay sex aficionado, has been declared “completely heterosexual.” What does that mean? a) he beats his wife and children
b) he cheats on his taxes
c) he only hums Barbara Streisand tunes to himself when he is certain nobody else is listening

 686) Many people have called the Bush administration’s “surge” strategy in Iraq a “doubling down.” Aside from being mathematically incorrect (adding 20,000 troops to a force of 120,000 is more of a sixthing down), the analogy doesn’t seem appropriate. What would doubling down be a more accurate description of? a) rebuilding Iraq’s infrastructure so that the American Air Force could bomb it to oblivion again
b) trying to execute Saddam Hussein a second time
c) invading Iran

 687) What do you say to somebody your government has imprisoned for seven years without charge after it has finally let him go free? a) “Let that be a lesson to you, not so young any more man!”
b) “Next time, stay away from those mirrors.”
c) “Be thankful you were innocent, or you would have really been in trouble!”

688) Prime Minister Stephen Harper says he will “respect” the Kyoto Protocol on greenhouse gases. What does this mean? a) he will remember its anniversary, be sure to cuddle after sex and won’t sleep with its sister
b) he will be sure not to encroach upon its personal space
c) he’s more desperate to get a majority government in the next election than anybody could have possibly imagined

 689) Really? How desperate? Just what is Harper prepared to do to get a majority in the next election? a) come to your house and wash your laundry
b) let you borrow an RCMP agent to intimidate your rival for the hand of Betty Lou Bialoski (but, not higher than the rank of Staff Sergeant, please – some of them do have important national business to take care of, after all)
c) ask the RCMP to anonymously release the information that they are investigating the environment for conspiracy to commit a terrorist act

 690) Ah, the scorched earth tactics of Karl Rove come to Canada. Given his recent statements, what won’t Harper say to smear the Liberals? a) Michael Ignatieff is secretly married to a tractor
b) Stephane Dion’s great-aunt runs a crystal meth lab
c) Bob Rae has written a book of recipes in which the main ingredient is kittens – that’s right, kittens!
d) none of the above

 691) What is a teraflop? a) a theatrical disaster anywhere on the planet
b) the latest attempt to deal with the homeless by giving a trillion of them a home the size of a dishwasher (but, a large dishwasher…)
c) a porn star…you know, Tara Floppe?

692) Where have all the culture warriors gone? a) they’re downtown, sharing a couple of brews with the flowers, young men and young women, long time passing
b) they’re still there, they’re just too busy watching King of Kensington reruns to organize letter writing campaigns
c) they were defunded by the Conservative government, and now they spend their days in small bistros drinking Cappuccinos, smoking thin French cigars and reminiscing about Everything’s Coming Up Rosie

 693) When did history end? a) 1969
b) 1945
c) 1066

 694) Advertisements have begun appearing warning people to “beware of fake pills.” What exactly are they warning us against? a) objects that look like pills but are actually steam-powered motor vehicles
b) getting too emotionally attached to our medicines, because you know they’ll only break your heart
c) pills that have undergone cosmetic surgery – you can always tell by the way they stay still when you try to jiggle them up and down in the bottle

 695) Why have Royal Canadian Mounted Police officers been watching Somali mosques? a) they had heard about this new CBC show called Little Mosque on the Prairie, and they just couldn’t wait for the premiere
b) Protestant mosques are really hard to find
c) that’s where the Muslims are

 696) What makes character? a) adversity
b) diversity
c) perversity
d) the size and colour of your hair

 697) The Canadian military thinks peacekeeping is for pussies. It wants to go to war like real soldiers. What ever gave it that idea? a) it saw how much fun the American military was having in Iraq, and thought to itself, “I wanna piece of that action!”
b) Stephen Harper and J. L. Granatstein have been its enablers
c) it’s been a dream of the military since it was in diapers (armour-plated, of course, and 12 times more expensive than if the government had bought them at the corner store)

698) Prime Minister Stephen Harper is pandering to the military. How can you tell that it’s working? a) General Rick Hillier jumps into Harper’s lap and licks his face whenever the Prime Minister needs a photo op
b) the Army offers to use Liberals for target practice
c) Halliburton is seriously considering opening a Canadian branch

 699) Am I being unfair to the Prime Minister? a) no
b) no
c) hell, no

 700) The Parti Quebecois has promised that it will hold a “popular consultation” on sovereignty if it wins the next provincial election. What is the difference between a popular consultation and a referendum? a) you know, this question is hotly debated among Constitutional scholars and, although consensus is fiendishly difficult to achieve, the general sense seems to be: 42
b) the PQ might actually be able to win a popular consultation
c) the difference between a minority and majority government