“Why so glum, chum?”
“Oh, you wouldn’t understand.”
“You’d be surprised what I understand.”
“Oh, but it – hey! Aren’t you? – no! You couldn’t be…and, yet…aren’t you Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory?”
“Well, Adam Smith has been dead for centuries. Still, you could say that I’m his ghost.”
“Really? You’re really the ghost of Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory?”
“Well, no. I’m, more like a fictional construct of the ghost of Adam Smith created by an early 21st century satirist in order to score cheap rhetorical points.”
“So, you…you’re a…a fictional construct of the ghost of Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory?”
“Actually, to be more precise –”
“Can I just think of you as Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory? It would just…make things a lot easier.”
“Whatever you say, pal.”
“Thanks.”
“So, what’s your beef?”
“My beef?”
“Why are you sitting on a curb on a lonely street with your head in your hands, sobbing all over your $500 Brooks Brothers suit?”
“Actually, it’s Armani.”
“American tailors not good enough for you?”
“It’s global climate change, Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory. Over 2,000 scientists have signed a letter stating that it’s real, and it’s coming after our children! Governments – conservative governments – supposedly free market loving governments – are now going green. I’m ruined! Ruined, I tell you! RUINED!”
“Okay, okay, don’t blow your stack, bub. It ain’t the end of the world. There’s a fortune to be made in alternative energy sources and new forms of low-energy use mechanical devices.”
“I know. But, I’m the CEO of a…an auto manufacturer!”
“Aww, geez. Tough break, pal. You wanna hankie?”
“No, thank you. I think I’ll just sit here until I drown in my own tears.”
“Mmm…I probably shouldn’t do this – but it doesn’t have to be the end of the line for you, you know.”
“It doesn’t?”
“Naah.”
“What…what can I do?”
“First, you gotta take the initiative. Hold a press conference and announce that your company is concerned about global climate change and that you will do everything in your power to make the world a better place.”
“What? Are you mad?”
“I’m not going to respond to that obvious setup since, as the father of modern economic theory, I couldn’t possibly have a sense of humour.”
“But, you don’t really expect me to do everything in my power to make the world a better place, do you?”
“Of course not. Your job is to maximize value for your shareholders. No, my friend, you must announce this newfound respect for the environment in order to win the approval of an increasingly environmentally concerned public, but what you must do is quite wholly other.”
“What must I do, Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory?”
“You must convince the government, through whatever lobbying power you have at your disposal, to foist that the costs of your promises on other sectors of the economy.”
“And, how do I do that, Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory?”
“Any number of ways. Attempt to seize for yourself as much government sponsored research and development money as you can, while denying it to the other sectors. Make sure any timetable for change for your industry is measured in decades, while the timetable for change for other industries is measured in years. If the government threatens action against your industry, offer to study the problem further. If necessary, have your own lawyers write the legislation that would regulate your industry, creating enough loopholes to allow you to continue more or less unhindered for years. These are all well known methods, methods which could keep your industry profitable for decades to come.”
“Hurrah for the free market system!”
“Actually, this has nothing to do with the free market system.”
“It doesn’t?”
“No.”
“Not even a little bit?”
“Well, there are buyers and sellers of products, but that’s about it.”
“But, how can you make these recommendations, then? You’re Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory, and champion of free markets!”
“Oh, I gave up on those years ago, when governments deregulated markets and looked the other way as increasingly small oligopolies formed. Now, I’m just trying to get by, just like every other Joe.”
“Oh. Are you sure you’re Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory?”
“Says so right there on the label in my shorts.”
“Because, you know, Adam Smith, the father of modern economic theory, was, well, Scottish. And, you, you sound like a reject from a touring company of Guys and Dolls.”
“Tell me about it! When you’re a fictional construct of a ghost of a person who lived centuries ago, you have no control over your idiom!”