1) Prime Minister Stephen Harper recently tabled a motion in the House of Commons recognizing that “the Quebecois are a distinct nation within a united Canada.” Why would he do that?
When you were a kid, didn’t you ever throw rocks at a hornet’s nest? You know, just to see what would happen? I mean, sure, adults probably told you that something awful was going to happen, but they said that about sex, and they all – well, most – well, okay, a lot of them seemed to enjoy doing it, so what were you supposed to believe? No? You never did that? Really? What about sticking your finger in a light socket? Come on, every kid did that! Sometimes, you just need to illuminate your skeleton to learn what you need to know in life. Not you? You were a goody goody momma’s boy, weren’t you?
2) What if I’m a girl?
There is no way I can answer that question without offending somebody, so I’m going to plead the fifth. Don’t press me or I’ll…I’ll run out of the room and hide somewhere where you’ll never be able to find me.
3) You mean behind the boxes in the garage?
Why do you hate me so?
4) Seriously, why would Stephen Harper propose such a motion?
He didn’t want Michael Ignatieff to have all the fun.
5) Was Michael Ignatieff really having that much fun?
No.
6) Sooo…why would Stephen Harper propose –
TO SECURE THE VOTES HE NEEDS FROM QUEBEC TO GET A MAJORITY IN THE NEXT ELECTION. ALL RIGHT! THERE! YOU GOT IT OUT OF ME! ARE YOU HAPPY, NOW? TO GET THE VOTES! THE VOTES! THE VO-HO-HO-HO-HOTES!
7) Oh. Think it’ll work?
Naah. I just like the drama.
8) What is the Liberal position on the motion?
“Oh, thank god we don’t have to deal with this at our convention. Now we can concentrate on the important issues that affect the lives of Canadians – like how bad Bob Rae really was as Premier of Ontario.” I’m paraphrasing, of course.
9) Come on – how bad was Bob Rae as the Premier of Ontario? Really?
He still gives Jack Layton the screaming fantods.
10) Why screaming fantods?
Because whispering fantods just doesn’t communicate the same sense of horror.
11) Uhh, okay. Speaking of which, what is the NDP’s position on the motion?
Jack Layton gives great moustache.
12) Does that mean the NDP is for it?
Jack Layton’s moustache has always supported the right of groups of Canadians to associate with each other to further their own interests. Just to use one example, Jack’s stache is a longstanding member of the Facial Hair Club for Men.
13) Who is Gilles Duceppe?
Gilles Duceppe played a supervillain on the old Batman television series known as The Separator. He was never really all that menacing, though, because his superpowers seemed to consist primarily of separating people from their underwear.
14) Why do some people see him as a threat to Canada?
Have you ever been outdoors in the dead of winter without the proper underwear?
15) What is his position on the motion?
He was against it until he was for it. He’s sort of like John Kerry with better hair and real ties to France.
16) Why did he change his mind?
Although the term “Quebecois” means a French-speaking native of Quebec in English, it actually means, “we’re going to win the next referendum on sovereignty – ha ha, you English pig dogs” in French.
17) Ha ha, you English pig dogs?
It sounds better when you say it with an outrageous French accent.
18) Good Lord – is anybody opposed to this whole “Quebec as a nation” thing?
Yes. Gerard Kennedy.
19) Who is he?
Exactly.
20) What is the significance of the phrase “within a united Canada?”
It’s the fig leaf over the genitals that makes the statue art.
21) What?
It’s the, uhh, the queen bee that makes the drone’s pitiful, meager existence meaningful.
22) You’re…really getting carried away with obscure metaphors, aren’t you?
They may be obscure, but at least they’re mildly irrelevant.
23) So, how exactly is this motion in Parliament going to benefit Canada?
It will ensure that next year, the Maple Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup.
24) Say, that would be of benefit to Canada, wouldn’t it?
Don’t get your hopes up.