A Column About Nothing

FADE IN:

JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Jerry is looking over a box of Froot Loops. Elaine sits on his couch. Several seconds pass.

ELAINE

Mid-term elections?

JERRY

Naah. That’s too…something.

ELAINE

Well, what do you expect? After as many years as we’ve been doing it, you run out of nothing.

JERRY

I’m thinking…Froot Loops.

ELAINE

Froot Loops?

JERRY

You think Snap, Crackle and Pop use Froot Loops as marriage rings?

ELAINE

Who would they marry? Hiss, Static and Noise?

JERRY

Good one. It’s not integral to the joke, but –

SOUND: knock on the door.

JERRY (CONTINUING)
(loud)

Door’s open. Come on in.

Kramer walks in and politely closes the door behind him.

KRAMER

Jerry, you gotta help me.

JERRY

Actually, I’m retired. I don’t ‘gotta’ do anything.

KRAMER

No, seriously. You gotta save me from…them!

ELAINE

Them?

KRAMER

You know.
(elaborate hand gesture)

Them. Them! Them!

ELAINE

Who them?

JERRY

Who dem? I didn’t know you spoke –

KRAMER

My fans!

ELAINE

You have fans?

KRAMER

They love me.

JERRY

Not…from what I heard.

KRAMER

They did love me. Until they turned on me.

JERRY

Getting closer to what I heard.

KRAMER

Okay, maybe they never loved me, but they turned on me just the same.

JERRY

Bingo.

ELAINE

What did you do?

KRAMER

I tried to push the envelop of racially charged humour.

ELAINE

What does that mean?

JERRY

He called some black hecklers niggers.

ELAINE

You wha – oh, you didn’t.

KRAMER

They had it coming. They really pushed –
(punches the air)

My buttons.

ELAINE

Well, if you said it once or twice –

JERRY

Ah, but that’s not what happened. Kramer used the word 17 times. Loudly. With no real satirical context.

ELAINE

Oh. Well. I’m sure that it can be worked out.
(to Jerry)

Loser.

KRAMER

I’m not a loser.

ELAINE

Okay, you’re not a loser.

KRAMER

Damn straight.

ELAINE

You’re a looooooooser.

KRAMER

Big talk coming from somebody who has had – how many, now? – 27 shows since Seinfeld went off the air? Did any of them last longer than three episodes?

ELAINE

At least I didn’t call anybody a nigger on any of them.
(pause, quietly)

Loser.

JERRY

Okay, enough already with the loser stuff.

KRAMER

So, you gonna help me out?

JERRY

This is not good.

KRAMER

Tell me about it.

JERRY

This scene has gone on much too long. Meet us at the café in 20 minutes.

INT. CAFÉ – NIGHT

Elaine, Jerry and GEORGE are sitting at their usual table, eating and drinking various substances of the late night.

GEORGE

So, she’s just the most beautiful girl ever. And, get this: she’s blind. She’s blind and she sells flowers on a street corner.

JERRY

Is this something that happened to you, or are you describing the plot of Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times?

GEORGE

You got me. What can I say? I mean, after doing this show as many years as we have, you run out of nothing.

JERRY

So I hear…

Kramer enters and sits at the table. Elaine mouths the word “loser.”

JERRY (CONTINUING)

Hey, Kramer, you wanna bagel?

KRAMER

No. Thanks. Jerry.

JERRY

Come on. Have a bagel.

KRAMER

I’m really not that hungry.

JERRY

They’re very good bagels.

KRAMER

For fuck’s sake, Jerry! I don’t fucking want a fucking bagel!

JERRY

Okay. Okay.
(beat)

Too bad. Cause they’re really good –

GEORGE

Maybe you can plug them on the Letterman show.

Jerry makes ixnay motions with his hands, to no avail.

KRAMER

You’re going on Letterman?

JERRY

Just to plug the seventh season DVD. No biggie, really. I’m in, I’m out.

KRAMER

I could use the national exposure.

JERRY

I don’t think a racist would help sell DVDs.

KRAMER

Come on, man! You know I’m not a racist!

JERRY

A really bad stand-up, then. Not…that there’s anything wrong with that.

KRAMER

Come on, Jerry. Throw me a bone, here.

GEORGE

A bone for the bonehead.

KRAMER

Cut it out.

GEORGE

Or, what? You gonna call me a nigger?

KRAMER

You’re asking for it.

GEORGE
(shrugs)

I been called worse.

ELAINE

Really?

GEORGE

Oh, yeah. Less than an hour ago.

ELAINE

What a coincidence.

GEORGE

Yeah. You wouldn’t think a blind flower seller would know such language.

JERRY

You learn something new every day.

KRAMER

So, you gonna help me out, or what?

JERRY

You know what I love about the show?

ELAINE

What’s that?

JERRY

How we don’t always feel the need to resolve every storyline…

MICHAEL RICHARD’S CAREER:

FADE TO BLACK