Let me tell you, my child, of the way the world began. Tch’schklmk’gmctr’htkl’chkl, also known as The Unpronounceable, had a fit of hiccups. Bad hiccups. The kind that last 7,738 years, six months, two days, eighteen hours and 12 minutes. From this state of gustatory upset came all that –
Oh. You’ve heard that one. Have I told you the story of how Alfred the Noble Dinkleberry tripped over a taro root and founded the First Harounian Dynasty? I have?
Well, surely you don’t know the heroic tale of King Ian, The Adjectiveless, and the battle of Finder’s Keep? You what? Kindergarten? Well, I’m running out of history, so stop whining, lie back and listen to it once again.
Ian, The Adjectiveless, was a brave, noble warrior who led his soldiers at such battles as the Charge of Amex and the Retreat of Hell Spa. He became king on the fourth ballot; even though he started with a mere 12 per cent of the popular vote on the first ballot and had to have been considered a dark steed in the race. However, when Phillip, The Not To Be Referred To Again dropped out of the race, giving Ian, The Adjectiveless all of his delegates, it gave our future king the momentum he needed to vault over the other candidates. Eventually. On the fourth ballot.
Such is the genius of our Medieval proportional representation system.
Ian, The Adjectiveless was just a king. Whenever citizens brought – no, wait. That’s not right. Ian, The Adjectiveless was a just king. Whenever citizens brought a dispute before him, he would sagely respond that the child should be cut in half, even if the dispute was over the placement of a fence on a piece of land both parties claimed as their own. Needless to say, most disputes were resolved amicably without his intervention.
His reign was not without its problems, however. King Ian, The Adjectiveless alienated the Castronovitiates with his plans to fly the colours of the King of Burgher on Baldurdash’s Gate. To be sure, the move would have added much needed silver to the kingdom’s coffers, but at what cost to its playful soul? This was unfortunate, because the Castronovitiates could have been a great help, perhaps a decisive factor, in the battle of Finder’s Keep.
The battle was initiated when King Ian, The Adjectiveless won the fabled sword of Elron of Melnibice in a poker game with the kings of nearby realms. The sword was said to have strange powers that would warp and ultimately destroy the soul of anybody foolish enough to wield it. This was not, however, the problem. The problem was that, following close behind the fabled sword of Elron of Melnibice were the foul fiends of the Legion of Hellspawn Lawyers, whose purpose was to eradicate all parodic references to Michael Moorcock’s sword of Elric of Melniboné. They rode towards Finder’s Keep on their Blood D’Oner, vicious beasts partial to Middle Eastern food.
Being beset by the Legion of Hellspawn Lawyers, with their writs of fire and seemingly infinite capacity to respawn, was bad enough, but they were allied with the Palawa Joko Homo, the army of the undead. The Palawa Joko Homo should not be confused with vampires, who belong to a different mythology, or, for that matter, zombies, who were something else again. They were just…undead. Let’s leave it at that, alright? Alright.
Of course, King Ian, The Adjectiveless was not without his allies. There was, for instance, the Dark Irony dwarf clan, who, when not making vicious fun of their foes, generally resorted to hitting them over the head with large blunt instruments. Those who had the misfortune of entering into battle with a member of the Dark Irony dwarf clan could not say which was worse.
There was also the Armani trolls, little people who lived under bridges and only came out to dazzle enemies with the clean lines and traditional designs of their rags. Okay, that doesn’t sound like much of a help, but King Ian, The Adjectiveless knew that he was in the battle of his life, and he couldn’t be too choosy about who was on his side, okay?
The siege of Finders Keep started at dawn. Oh, the fierceness of the battle that ensued is legendar…child? Child? Are you…awake? No? Just as well – I don’t have the budget for the battle’s special effects!