1) What are mid-term elections?
A small breed of dog known for its constantly yappy disposition and tendency to soil the carpet when nobody is looking.
2) Are you sure that’s what mid-term elections are?
Frankly, no. But explaining that the mid-term elections are Congressional elections that happen in the middle of a Presidential term seemed, well, boring.
3) Are you afraid of being boring?
Does everything have to be about me? Perhaps we should start again.
1) Okay. What are mid-term elections?
What you would get if Andres Serrano had access to your belly button lint and a dozen crucifixes.
It’s just this eagle-eyed ability of my readers to discern the nuances of political life that makes me want to become a nun. Fortunately, I’ve never been able to get into the habit.
3) How dirty was this campaign?
Well, if the Swift Boat Veterans were scorch marks on the underwear of democracy, after this election I would suggest that you burn all of your boxers and buy some new ones.
4) Do you know how disgusting that is?
No, but if you sing a few bars, I’ll try to hum along.
5) What were the Republican attack ads like?
They start with a picture of the smoking twin towers. Over this, we see the Democratic candidate hugging Osama bin Laden and giving him a French kiss. A big, sloppy, slurping one. Then, a voice over announcer explains that the Democratic candidate voted against better armour for the troops but voted in favour of studying the sex lives of Vietnamese prostitutes, the masturbation habits of old men and something called the Bisexual, Transgendered and Two-Spirited Aleutian Eskimos, whoever they are. Over a picture of North America, the narrator explains that the Democratic candidate wants to allow Canada to negotiate nuclear arms limits with North Korea, after which the United States disappears in the smoke of a mushroom cloud. Then, a blonde woman who is not the candidate’s wife blows the camera a kiss and mouths the words “call me.”
6) So, the campaign really focused on the issues?
Riiiiiiight.
Oh, it was worse. Much worse.
In their ads, they took every opportunity to connect Republican candidates to President Bush.
9) Really? How can the Democrats sleep at night?!
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
10) Did the Republicans have any other advantages going into the election?
Yes. They gerrymandered districts to give incumbents better odds of retaining their seats.
11) I’ve heard this term before, but I don’t know what it means. What exactly is gerrymandering?
Gerrymandering is the artificial redrawing of the boundaries of a district. The borders of some districts have been pulled in one direction or another so often that they only make sense if you imagine them in 11 dimensions. The good thing about that, though, is that they are the first solid concrete of string theory.
12) Is it my imagination, or is Hilary Clinton increasingly looking like a ventriloquist’s dummy?
Sure. What’s your point?
13) Do we really want a President who looks like Howdy Doody?
Too late.
The voters let them down.
15) What happened to Bush’s Brain?
My best guess is that he damaged too many brain cells when he was an alcoholic frat boy.
Oh. I have no idea how many brain cells Rove damaged when he was an alcoholic frat boy. And, considering the image that paints, I’m sure I don’t want to know.
My attempts to divide the country don’t work any more. But, I’m still going to bully people into letting me have my way, and, if you oppose me, I’ll accuse you of partisanship.
18) Are you sure that’s what the President meant?
I may be paraphrasing a little.
19) Ultimately, isn’t a Democratic victory really a victory for Conservativism?
Let me know when you want to return to the world of fact-based reality, and I’ll be happy to explain it to you.
