When it comes to electoral fraud, electronic voting machines that don’t leave a paper trail are getting all of the attention; it’s almost as if Diebold was paying for the publicity! However, as with so many things, when it comes to ensuring your candidate wins by foul means or fouler, the tried and true methods are always the best. Have you considered suppressing voter turnout? As your grandmother used to say, you never have to worry about recounting votes that were never cast in the first place.
You may think that suppressing voter turnout is hard, or expensive, or time-consuming. But, really, there are methods of suppression for all levels of politician, from the first time candidate to the 10 term incumbent. All you need is a telephone (or, in some cases, a bank of them) and a little time and you can disenfranchise enough of your opponent’s supporters to swing the vote in your favour. Really! It couldn’t be simpler!
Here’s how:
# THREE STRIKES AND YOU LOSE THE RIGHT TO VOTE.
Call up your friends in the capital house and ask them to remove the names of convicted felons from the voters’ lists. You might be tempted to argue that it’s just a coincidence that 90 per cent of the names would have voted Democrat if given the chance, but a more aggressive stance would be that you always suspected that being a Democrat made you prone to criminal behaviour. And, the best part? By the time the real criminals are sorted out from the law abiding citizens who just happen to have criminal names, or names that look almost like those of criminals, or names that should be criminal, or whose crimes weren’t serious enough to merit losing their vote, or people who looked like criminals in their driver’s licence photos, you’ll be halfway through your new term!
# VALUES NON-VOTERS
The problem with “inner city” (wink wink) religious figures is that they tend to support Democrats because they’ve seen first-hand the devastation that Republican policies (tax, drugs, crime – take your pick) wreak on their communities. Yeah. We know. We don’t get it, either. Still, there is a simple way of neutralizing their authority within the community.
Call one of your friends at city hall and suggest that they put money into an AIDS hospice, a drug rehabilitation programme or some other do-goodie project supported by the institution of the religious figure in question. No strings attached. They don’t have to do a thing to get the money. Literally. They don’t have to encourage the members of their flock to get out and vote. In fact, it would be best if they didn’t. Talk about doing well by doing good!
# CRANK IT UP
You know how, when you were a kid, you used to call strangers and make really bad jokes before hanging up? Hard as it may be to believe, you can use that experience to win elections!
For example, have your staff members call registered Democrats and helpfully remind them of the date of the election and how important it is for them to get out and vote. Okay, it may be the date of the election of 1973, which just happens to be a day or two late this time around, or early, but it is the date of an election.
If that’s too laid back for you, have your staff members call registered Democrats and helpfully remind them of the date of the election and how important it is for them to get out and vote. Again. And, again. And, again. By the 20th or so call, even the most stalwart Democrats will vow never to vote again just to get you to stop.
Still not dirty enough for you? If you can afford an automated phone bank, use it to call legally registered voters with a stern warning that they had violated election laws and might be arrested if they show up to vote. This is especially effective in “inner city” (wink wink) precincts.
If you’re of a more post-modern bent, have your phone bank do nothing on election day but phone the phone banks of your opponent every five seconds and hang up. You’d be surprised at how effective this is at hindering their last minute efforts to get voters out to the polls. And, machines interfering with machines – how cyberpunk of you!
# DON’T COP OUT
Another simple but effective tactic to use on “inner city” (wink wink) voters is to phone one of your friends in the police department and ask them to put a police car at each end of the street where the polling station is located. You would be surprised at how easily “law abiding citizens” can be intimidated by a black and white cruiser, a blue uniform and an orange cruller!
# YES, IT’S RETRO, BUT SOME TECHNIQUES NEVER GET OLD
If you have a bit of money, bribe canvassers for your opponent to take election day off.
# EVERYBODY’S A PUSSYCAT – TO THEIR DOG
Did you know that you’re allowed to have observers at every polling station? Can you help it if your observers are all six foot seven, with red faces and popping veins even when they’re standing still? The fact that all of their questions sound like they’ve come through a bullhorn is not their fault – it’s an affliction. The fact that they seem to ask a lot of questions of “inner city” (wink wink) voters isn’t their fault, either. They don’t mean to be intimidating. They’re just slow, and sometimes they need to have simple truths explained to them several times. Anybody who questions this obviously has a prejudice against the developmentally challenged.
# SOME PEOPLE HAVE WAITED THEIR WHOLE LIVES TO VOTE – YOU CAN WAIT A FEW HOURS
Forget the latest technology. Try to get your friends on the elections commission to stock precincts that traditionally have gone to your opponent with voting machines from the 1930s! Of course, there will be far fewer than the precincts need – they’re antiques, after all, and hard to come by! When they break down – and, they always break down – have your friends shrug and say that a repairman will be flown in from a distant state, but that it may take a few hours. Throw in ballots that are harder to parse than a French semiotician’s sentence, and you’ll have long lineups guaranteed to discourage the elderly (or otherwise frail) and the young (or otherwise impatient).
Use one or more of these simple tactics and you can’t lose. And, may the best candidate win! (wink wink)