“Margaret?”
“Bob”
“Is Mister Novacks in?”
“Mister Novacks is very busy.”
“This will only take –”
“Mister Novacks is redesigning the T27-XX Alternate Fuschias.”
“Oh. Is that important?”
“It is for people who can’t figure out how to fill out the Q127-XXX Mauves.”
“Well, it’s just that, I’m a little confused about the conference he asked me to attend this weekend.”
“The Living in the Margins Conference? If I may say so, it looks like a humdinger. I’ll bet you learn more in those three days about milking marginal markets than you have in the six years that you’ve been working for Wexler Dynamics.”
“Well, yes, frankly, that was my hope. Only, now, I’m not so sure.”
“No?”
“You see, the conference is supposed to be taking in place in Prefontaine, Alberta.”
“That’s right.”
“Only, there’s no such city.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’re mistaken.”
“I looked it up on a map.”
“It’s quite a small city. It may just not have shown up on the map.”
“I thought that might be it, too. So, I looked it up on Google Maps. Nothing.”
“It is a new city.”
“I looked it up yesterday.”
“It is a really new city.”
“Why would you be sending me to a place that doesn’t exist?”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding that will be cleared up once you get to Calgary. Now, if you don’t mind, I have some important phone calls to wait fo –”
“That’s not the only thing.”
“There’s more?”
“I tried to find more information on the Conference.”
“The Living in the Margins Conference?”
“The very one. And, do you know what I found?”
“I can’t imagine.”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“There is absolutely no information on anything called the Living in the Margins Conference on the Web.”
“Ah, well, that’s the thing, you see. They’re very old-fashioned – don’t believe in digital information.”
“Well, how am I supposed to learn more about the conference?”
“I’ve got their snail mail address – I can send them a request for more information.”
“How long will that take?”
“Oh, three weeks…six weeks, tops.”
“But, I’m supposed to be going to the conference next weekend!”
“Did I mention the conference is being held in a small city?”
“Does the mail travel by Yak?”
“Bob, I am a busy woman who doesn’t have time for sarcasm.”
“Sorry.”
“It travels by camel.”
“Isn’t Alberta north?”
“Your point being?”
“Camels don’t ordinarily live in cold climates, do they?”
“Uhh…ordinarily, no. However, several camels escaped from the zoo in Calgary and made their home in the forest around Prefontaine. Rather than drive them out, the townsfolk have found many colourful uses for them. The annual Lawrence of Arabia Fair is a major tourist attraction in the area, and, apparently, Prefontaine is internationally renowned for its camel cheese.”
“I’ll bet.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Bob. You know you’ll get a thick package of information when you get to the conference, most of which will end up in a landfill somewhere, totally unrea –”
“Am I being let go?”
“Beg pardon?”
“Am I no longer welcome to work for this company?”
“Wha – what would ever give you that idea?”
“I read the literature. Well, okay, I don’t have time to read the literature, but I have interns who read the literature, and they tell me that non-traditional firing techniques are all the rage.”
“Rightsizing.”
“What?”
“Non-traditional rightsizing techniques.”
“AHA! So, you know what I’m talking about!”
“Don’t be silly! I…I’m just a secretary…a lowly secretary…”
“I thought you were an administrative assistant.”
“Why would you think you were being let go?”
“There was a whole article devoted to this technique. Send an employee to a foreign country, then hope that they’ll lose their passport so they won’t be let back in.”
“I have always said that secure borders were an important part of maintaining national securi –”
“Is that your plan?”
“Of course not. For one thing, how could we ensure that you would lose your passport?”
“Pay somebody to steal it.”
“That would show up on the books.”
“That’s what discretionary funds are for.”
“Bob! Let me assure you that you are a…trusted and…and…valued employee. We would never do anything like that to you.”
“Really?”
“Really. Have fun in Calgary – I’m sure it will be a great conference for you.”
“Really?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well…okay. Thanks.”
CLICK. DIAL.
“Mister Novacks?”
“Margaret?”
“Bob’s onto you…”