1) How do you prepare to cover Canada Day?
I hit myself in the head repeatedly with Hansard until I fall over with visions of Wayne and Shuster dancing to Nine Inch Nails…uhh…dancing in my head.
2) That seems a little harsh, doesn’t it?
I find it difficult to get a grasp on all 16 volumes of the Oxford English Dictionary.
3) Aren’t you proud of being a Canadian?
Very much so. It’s just that whenever I try and express it, I’m called smug, arrogant and anti-American. I’d rather spend the evening with Hansard and a crate of Tylenol.
4) Why don’t you have a support the troops ribbon on your site?
Every time I tried to pin one on my monitor, it exploded.
5) Very funny. Why don’t you have a graphic of a support the troops ribbon on your site?
I find cheap gestures cost too much.
6) Don’t you support the troops?
Absolutely. That’s why I think they should be brought back home immediately. Of course, this puts me at odds with people who support the troops by putting them in a killing zone with no clear objective and no timetable for leaving. Oddly enough, I’m at peace with this.
7) Where does Les Pages aux Folles fit into the great scheme of things?
Between beach volleyball and Vatican II. Between the thumb and forefinger of somebody better looking than you are. Between time and Timbuktu. Between aspiration and realization. Between the sheets. Between les page aux feu and Les Paul. Between the time it takes you to cast the reel and the time it takes you to throw the fish guts in the trash compactor. Between aspiration and inhalation. Between elections. Between the brief fluttering of the eyelids just before waking and the trauma of having to face the dark before going to sleep without a bazooka. Between you and me, nowhere interesting.
8) What kind of an answer was that?
It makes sense in 11 dimensions.
9) Wait a second! Aren’t aspiration and inhalation the same thing?
Well, my, my – aren’t you somebody who used to read dictionaries when she was growing up!
Would you like to have dinner some time? I’ll bring my copy of the OED – it hardly has any dents in it. You bring the organ grinder’s monkey.
11) Are you seriously going to milk your heart condition for sympathy?
No…I’m going to humourously milk my heart condition for sympathy.
My Web page has about 10 regular readers that I know of (hi, guys). How much lower do you think I can go?
13) Don’t you always say that you only have three readers?
Inflation – it affects us all.
14) Why don’t you have advertising on your Web site?
The only company that expressed an interest in advertising makes adult diapers, and I didn’t want to be seen as supporting anybody’s bizarre sexual fetish.
15) But, don’t adult diapers have a legitimate purpose?
Oh, that’s what their makers would like you to believe.
You mean, other people’s?
Well, yes, but I have a strict code about product endorsements. I will only endorse things that I personally use and believe in. Like private jets. Or mansions. Especially mansions. It’s a matter of personal integrity.
18) How do you prepare to cover a federal election?
I hit myself in the head repeatedly with Hansard until I fall over with visions of Parliament turning into a giant Pop Tart in my head.
19) That seems a little harsh, doesn’t it?
Until recently, Thomas Pynchon’s Against the Day wasn’t available for me to hit myself in the head with.
20) Why are so many questions in What the Heck Do you Know? answered with non-sequiturs?
Beachball velocipede addenda variations.
21) No, seriously, why are so many questions in What the Heck Do you Know? answered with non-sequiturs?
The trouble with topical humour is that it rots faster than fish left out in a nuclear explosion. On the other hand, non-sequiturs are forever.
22) Wasn’t that the name of a Bond flick?
Now who’s being silly?