“You got a soda, man?”
“After we’re done, Marita.”
“Cause, I’m really thirsty, man.”
“The sooner I get your John Hancock on the recruitment forms, the sooner –”
“No, you don’t understand. I – I’m really thirsty, man.”
“When was the last time you shot up?”
“Oh. You know about that?”
“I know all about you, Marita.”
“You such a smart man, whaddya want me in the army, for?”
“This is the new, modern army. We don’t reject people just because they’ve made some bad choices in their lives. As a matter of fact, we want to help people who have screwed up to make something more of themselves. You understand what I’m saying?”
“The war ain’t going well and you’re desperate.”
“LISTEN TO ME YOU LATINO FREAK! I DON’T HAVE TO…okay. Ha ha. You got me. We’re having to redefine eligibility requirements in the face of undoubtedly temporary recruitment misadjustments. Yes.”
“Real desperate.”
“Serious misadjustments.”
“So, we speak the same language. Cool. Can I get that soda, now?”
“When we’re finished, Marita.”
“But, I’m really, really, really thirsty, man.”
“Sign up first, and –”
“Whaddya gonna do to me if I do sign up? I mean, when I haven’t had my fix, I can get to shaking really bad, man. You wanna put me inside a tank or something?”
“We’re going to help you clean up.”
“Tcha, right. You and what army?”
“Well…”
“Oh. Okay. But, like, really, you allowed to recruit junkies now?”
“Ah, technically, no. Technically, you’ll have to take a drug test and, uhh, technically, you’ll have to pass to get into the army.”
“Oh. I guess we’re done here. And, I didn’t even get my soda!”
“Not necessarily.”
“Hunh?”
“If you were to bring us a sample from a relative…maybe your brother Sammy…”
“He a speed freak, man.”
“Okay, your cousin Juanita.”
“Crystal meth.”
“Okay, well, find a relative who’s clean, and get them to fill the cup instead of you. It’s not a difficult concept. Right? Right?”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Wipe that smirk off your face, soldier! You know, with what I know about you, I could put you away for a long, long time.”
“You threatening me with jail, man?”
“I’m just saying –”
“Cool. I got some sisters I ain’t seen since I was a juvie.”
“Yeah. About your record…”
“Is that a problem?”
“Not at all. You just have to have rehabilitated yourself.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“You stopped stealing cars for joyrides.”
“Oh. Well…what if I ain’t been caught in a couple of years?”
“Good enough.”
“Hunh. Desperation makes men do strange shit.”
“Tell me about it. I spoke to your dad –”
“You what?”
“He said we could have you for a two-four of Bud Lite and a handful of lottery tickets.”
“Yeah, that sounds like him.”
“We were prepared to give him a car.”
“He never was much of a negotiator.”
“Your mother wasn’t too happy about it. Kept going on about how Hispanics are more likely to get killed in the front lines than other minorities.”
“She a big fan of Nightline.”
“So, I explained to her that you had a choice: die here of an overdose. Nobody will ever know your name and your death will be for nothing. Or, die in some foreign country of your government’s choosing. People still won’t know your name, but at least you’ll die to bring democracy to some blighted part of the world.”
“You mean, bring profits to the friends of the administration.”
“I see you watch Nightline, too.”
“When you’re high, it’s comedy.”
“When you’re high, everything is comedy.”
“That why you hate it so much, serious man?”
“I think we’re a little off topic, here.”
“Okay. So, my momma bought that stuff about me dying for the cause?”
“Naah. She started to cry. Didn’t want to think about her little girl dying. You know how parents can be.”
“I had no idea.”
“So, we got her a bottle of tequila and a box full of Super Lotto tickets, and she came around.”
“Man, how you know so much about my family?”
“Intelligence is vital to the successful prosecution of a military action.”
“Like a war?”
“Like recruitment.”
“I don’t know, man…”
“You like Donald Trump?”
“The Apprentice dude?”
“Exactly. We’ve got a video of him telling you what a loser you are and how the only thing you’re fit for is joining the Army.”
“That’s supposed to make me wanna join?”
“It’s The Donald! Forget Uncle Sam. Forget your President. Are you really going to say no to The Donald?”