“I would do her in a second.”
“I would do her in a nanosecond.”
“I would do her in a picosecond.”
“I bow to your superior knowledge of mathematical prefixes.”
“Thank you.”
“But, would you marry her?”
“In a second! In a nanosecond! In a pico –”
“Don’t be so quick.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“She could beat your ass at Star Blap: Generations.”
“You think?”
“Blue is the master of video games. She kicks the ass of everybody who is foolish enough to challenge her.”
“Wow.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
“Pretty much covers it, yeah.”
“Would you be willing to marry her in the full knowledge that she would humiliate you every time you picked up a game controller to engage her in battle?”
“Hell, yeah! I love strong women.”
“Mmm…even with her mullet?”
“It’s not a mullet.”
“What do you mean, it’s not a mullet?”
“It’s just the way she does her hair.”
“But –”
“The long, golden, locks of her hair.”
“It sure looks like a mullet.”
“Well, it’s not.”
“It looks like somebody put a tidal wave on top of her head.”
“IT’S NOT A MULLET!”
“Okay, okay…
“And, anyway, that’s no way to talk about a lady.”
“I apologize if I was too provocative.”
“Apology accepted.”
But, what about those fingers?”
“She’s got four – the usual toon compliment.”
“Yeah, but they’re so thick – they look like sausages.”
“It’s the cartoonist’s style.”
“Would you marry a woman with four sausage fingers?”
“If she was Blue? You better believe it.”
“Mumble mumble fingers.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Helen doesn’t have sausage fingers.”
“Don’t start with Helen.”
“She has the full compliment – five fingers. Five lithe fingers. Five nimble –”
“There’s more to a woman than her fingers!”
“You’re right.”
“Of course I’m –”
“Helen would kick Blue’s ass.”
“Uh, excuse me, but I think not. Blue, I would like to remind you, is a trained Ninja. Her powers are so awesome, they have to be covered by disclaimers whenever she uses them.”
“I accept that.”
“As well you should.”
“But, it doesn’t ultimately matter.”
“It doesn’t?”
“No.”
“Why does it not matter?”
“Because Helen’s superior technological capabilities allow her to transcend time and space. Before Blue could even aim her blow – which I am sure would be awesome –”
“Of course.”
“Helen would already have moved to a different place.”
“I take your point.”
“Not only that, but Helen could likely change Blue’s DNA such that her spine would turn to jelly.”
“Agreed. Still, in a fair fight, I do believe that Blue would kick Helen’s ass into next Tuesday.”
“A fair fight meaning one in which advanced technology was not a factor?”
“Exactly.”
“Absolutely. But, it ain’t gonna happen.”
“But, if it did.”
“If it did.”
“Exactly.”
“But, it wouldn’t.”
“Think of it as some alternate universe where Helen was just an ordinary woman.”
“Yeah, but, what if, in this alternate universe, Blue was also just an ordinary woman?”
“Oh! Don’t say that! Blue will never be an ordinary woman!”
“Exactly. In such an alternate universe, we wouldn’t be interested in either of them.”
“Look, all I was saying was – ”
“Hey, boys.”
“What do you want, Margie?”
“Just wanted to say hi to my favourite brother, Rick.”
“Okay, you said –”
“Hi, Frank.”
“‘Lo, Margie.”
“You boys do know that you’re talking about cartoon characters on the World Wide Web, not real women, right?
“Of course, Margie! Geez, we’re not stoooooopid, you know!”
“Desperate, maybe, and anally fixated, definitely, but I never said you were stupid.”
“Okay, i – we’ve got things to do now, okay?”
“Enjoy, boys.”
“Sheesh! Where were we?”
“In an alternate universe where they didn’t have their powers, I think Helen would still kick Blue’s ass.”
“Well, you see, that’s where you’re wrong…”