by THOMAS FINFLANAHAGAN, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
The question on the minds of everybody in China is: where are the weapons of mass destruction? “Be patient,” Premier Xiao Ping-Tao advised. “We know they’re there. It’s just a matter of time before we find them.”
It has been four months since China, at the head of a ragtag coalition of countries, invaded the United States. The stated reason was, of course, that the United States had vast stores of weapons that could be used against China at some future date. “While they may not have had the capability of attacking us any time soon,” Premier Xiao explained, “the United States might regain that capability in the future. We used the precedent of preemptive self-defense to ensure that that does not happen.”
United States President Dick Cheney, talking from the vat in the White House basement where his brain is stored, scoffed at the idea, noting that the United States had sold off most of its weapons systems when it went bankrupt in 2017. “We don’t have the funds to reconstitute any of our old weapons systems,” Cheney insisted. “If the United Nations weapons inspectors had been allowed to finish their job, they would have reported just that.”
Aah, the UN weapons inspectors. The Chinese government has argued that after the United States expelled them in 2015, it refused to allow them back into the country, a sure sign that it was hiding something. However, some reports indicate that the US did allow the weapons inspectors back in, but that the Chinese government told them to evacuate the country in advance of the invasion.
“That’s ridiculous,” General Ming Fat-Choi snorted. “The weapons of mass destruction are here. We know they’re here. The United States is a big country – President Cheney has just hidden them very well. Or, perhaps, he sent some to Canada. Either way, sooner or later, we will find them.”
One hint that the Chinese government is taking the concern about not finding the weapons of mass destruction seriously is that, in the last two weeks, it has changed the rationale for the invasion. Government and military officials are now saying that the invasion was meant to bring democratic socialism to the United States.
“The Bush/Cheney dynasty in the United States was an autocratic government that was a threat to its own people as well as the people in the region,” Premier Xiao has stated. “It was a rogue regime that threatened world stability and peace – the world is better off without it.”
Critics of the war have suggested that the real rationale behind it was to gain control of the American oil supply, as well as to give China a staging ground from which it can invade Canada for its stores of oil and natural gas. However, since most of these critics were either arrested for treason or live in obscure countries like Britain or Uttar Pradesh, they haven’t made much of an impression on Chinese public opinion, which still very much favours the war. It is difficult to travel through major cities like Beijing, for example, without encountering a dozen “Support the Troops” ribbons on every block.
“There has been a lot of rumour and innuendo about why this war took place,” General Ming, who made the case for war to the United Nations, stated. “They are all mistaken. That is all you need to know!”
The United Nations, unimpressed by General Ming’s Power Point presentation, refused to sanction an invasion of the United States. It has not, on the other hand, opposed the invasion, aside from passing a few resolutions that China has so far ignored. “But, they were good resolutions,” UN Chair Hillary Clinton insisted, “strongly worded and to the point.”
The Chinese army, which had expected to be treated as liberators by the American people (“We will be greeted with white peonies and green tea,” Premier Xiao stated) has encountered some resistance in some American states. This is especially embarrassing in light of the Premier’s speech announcing the end of major combat operations two weeks after the invasion. However, General Ming says the resistance is nothing to worry about.
“They’re just a small number of dead enders, Cheney loyalists who will be rounded up and dealt with in due time,” he assured the Chinese people.