"Name?"
"Anson Peterson."
"Good...you're obviously male... Age?"
"18."
"Fine Citizenship?"
"Canadian."
"Alright. Are you married, Mr. Peterson?"
"No. I'm single."
"Fine. And, what's the highest grade of education you've completed?"
"I...I'm in grade 12."
"So, grade 11. Fine. Now, Mr. Peterson, as I explained, this is an independent poll we're doing for the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada. Please, feel free to answer the questions as honestly as you can. Keep in mind that what you will be telling me will be kept in the strictest confidence..."
"Okay. I understand."
"Fine. Do you believe in pre-marital sex?"
"Wha...umm, you're sure this isn't going to get back to my folks?"
"Don't worry. As I explained, it won't. The information I get goes into a computer in Ottawa, where the results are tabulated."
"What happens to the information after you've used it?"
"The question, Mr. Peterson, was whether or not you believed in pre-marital sex, not whether you've ever engaged in pre-marital sex. I assure you, we're not at all interested in what you've done, only what you believe. Now, do you believe in pre-marital sex?"
"No."
"Fine. Now, are you familiar with at least one method of male contraception?"
"You mean, like, condoms?"
"That's a yes... Fine. And, do you believe in abortion?"
"Oh, umm, well...that's a difficult question, isn't it? I mean, I'm not a doctor - I don't really know anything about when a fetus stops being just a part of the mother and starts being a living, feeling thinking thing on its own. I guess if it was up to me, I'd say that that should be between a woman and her doctor, you know? What really gets me about this whole abortion thing is those crazy anti-abortionists, the ones who say that abortion is murder, then threaten to kill anybody who performs one. Don't they have better things to do than harass young women who are already scared and confused? I mean, who gave these people the right to decide how women should act? Most of them are men, anyway, you know?"
"So, Mr. Peterson, was that a yes or a no?"
"Umm, is there an undecided category?"
"Let me put the question in a slightly different way: would you allow a potential child of yours to be aborted?"
"Are you crazy? Of course not!"
"Thank you, Mr. Peterson. Now, on average, how many glasses of alcohol would you say you drink per week..."
"Oh, at least a hundred..."
"Less than five, six to 10, 11 to 20 or over 20?"
"Umm... 11 to 20."
"And, do you believe that the present drinking and driving laws are adequate?"
"There are laws about drinking and driving?"
"Yes. Do you think they are adequate?"
"Yeah...sure..."
"Have you ever been in a traffic accident, Mr. Peterson?"
"Well...umm...well...no..."
"Relax, Mr. Peterson. Nearly done. Who did you vote for in the last federal election?"
"Brian, baby!"
"Conservative. Fine. I'm going to give you a number of issues, and I would like you to rate the government's performance on a scale of zero to five, like on this sheet, here, do you see? Zero is lowest, five is highest. Do you understand what I'm asking you to do, Mr. Peterson?"
"I - let's see the scale? - I guess so..."
"Fine. The economy."
"Oh, four. Four, at least."
"Okay. Employment and job creation?"
"Well, I got a lot of friends who can't find work...I'd have to give them a two - no, a one. They get a one on that."
"Fine. Inflation?"
"I...I don't know anything about that..."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Peterson, but there is no don't know choice on this part of the survey. Take a stab at it."
"Three?"
"Okay. National debt?"
"Three."
"Fine. Transfer payments to the provinces?"
"Sounds like a three to me..."
"National role in international trade?"
"Definitely a three...yes, a three if I've ever heard one."
"Mr. Peterson, please try and curb your enthusiasm, will you? On the scale of zero to five, how would you rate the government's foreign policy?"
"Two?"
"Cultural policy?"
"Oh, I'd give them a...a...three on that."
"Defense policy?"
"Oh, we're not very strong like that...two."
"Energy policy?"
"Three."
"Fine. One final question, Mr. Peterson. If there was a federal election within the next few months, who would you vote for?"
"The Conservatives and my man, Brian!"
"Thank you, Mr. Peterson."
"Umm..."
"Yes?"
"When am I going to find out how I did?"
"This wasn't a test, Mr. Peterson. The results of this poll will go directly to the Office of the Prime Minister. I assume that the Cabinet will use this poll to help them determine some of their policies for their coming second year in office."
"Really? Umm...is it too late to change some of my answers?"
