Mother - how can one help but love them? Most of us were born to mothers at one time or another in our lives. Mothers are the folks who help us buy clothes before we develop a fashion sense of our own, understand what we're trying to say when we're in the middle of a temper tantrum and aren't articulating very well and are generally willing to take our side even if we're way off base.
If mothers have, well, one would hesitate to call it a major structural defect...let's say a minor design flaw, it is that they tend to ask questions. Were they satisfied with simple, answerable questions, there would be no problem; unfortunately, mothers often feel it is their right to ask questions that their children have no desire to answer. These are questions that, all things being equal, most of us would rather not be asked.
We've all heard them before. But, how many of us have had the good fortune to be ready with a response? Far too few. Why? Because mothers pass on their questions to their daughters when they become mothers, but there is nobody to pass on clever answers when they are hit upon. For this reason, we have put together a list of some of the questions most frequently asked by mothers, and some suggested responses. Depending upon how they are used, the answers can elicit a laugh all around, or put a nosy mother in her place.
Use them with care.
QUESTION: What did people do before television? ANSWER: Pray, ma. OPTIONAL EXPLANATORY EXPOSITION: Whenever anybody had a few hours of leisure time, they immediately went down to their local house of worship. Why do you think people were happy working 12 hours a day, six days a week? Look at the alternative... OPTIONAL PERSONAL OBSERVATION: Personally, I'd prefer watching television.
QUESTION: Why does your room always look like a pig sty? ANSWER: Entropy. OPTIONAL PEDANTIC EXLPANATION: You see, energy flows from areas where there is a lot to places where there isn't so much. Order - that would be you - is constantly in a battle with chaos - me. I couldn't possibly clean up my room; that would upset the whole balance of the universe! OPTIONAL PERSONAL OBSERVATION: You're doing a great job for your side of the balance, ma - keep it up!
QUESTION: Do you ever hear a single word I say? FLIP ANSWER: What did you say, ma? SARCASTIC RESPONSE: Why, yes, yes, I do. I particularly liked the word "excruciating" which, if memory serves, you used in January...no, February, 1983. If you would continue to inject such fascinating words into our conversation, I'm sure that it would be easier for you to keep my attention. ALTERNATE SARCASTIC RESPONSE: Yes, but I've already heard the single word I'm interested in, thank you.
QUESTION: What are you planning on doing with your life? ANSWER: I'm planning to run off to Rajneeshpuram and give all my worldly possessions to the Bagwan in order to save my immortal soul. You see, the Bagwan believes in free love and owning large, expensive automobiles, and I'm at a point in my life where I can really appreciate these goals. ADDITIONAL PACIFICATORY OBSERVATION: But, not to worry; as soon as I run out of money and possessions, I'll be kicked out of Rajneeshpuram, and I'll come back home.
QUESTION: Aren't you going to finish your vegetables? NEGATIVE RESPONSE: No. OPTIONAL SUGGESTION: If you're really worried about all those starving children in third world countries, this is a perfect opportunity for you to act. POSITIVE RESPONSE: Yes. OPTIONAL SUGGESTION: Why don't we freeze them so that when I grow up and become mature enough to appreciate them, the vegetables will be there for me?
QUESTION: Where are you going and when are you going to be back? TYPICAL INEFFECTIVE ANSWER: Out. Some time. EXCITING RESPONSE: Can't talk, now, ma. I gotta run. The Prime Minister has asked me to help out with this crazy little communication problem the government seems to be having. I'm taking the first plane out to Ottawa. I won't be home for dinner - don't wait up! LOW-KEY RESPONSE: I could tell you, ma, but I don't want to put your life in jeopardy as well. Please, the fewer questions you ask about tonight, the better it will be for all of us. I'll make it back as soon as I can, but, if you don't hear from me within 10 days, call Sergeant Preston of the Mounties, okay? He'll know what to do...
QUESTION: Why don't you ever call? ANSWER: To add a little excitement to your life, ma. OPTIONAL EXPLANATORY EXPOSITION: If I were to call you on a regular basis, all you would have to look forward to would be a regular phone call. On the other hand, if I call irregularly, not to mention infrequently, it's an exciting surprise. OPTIONAL RHETORICAL QUESTION: Isn't the excitement of the unknown what life is all about?
QUESTION: Don't you love your poor mother any more? ANSWER: Of course I do, ma. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry, but some questions only allow for one answer!)
