I am not paranoid.
When it was popular to believe that a second gun was used in the Lincoln assassination, I scoffed, even when drawings and forensic evidence indicated that a gunshot had come from the stage. I laugh at accusations that MultiNatCorp is taking over the world. Sure, I had momentary doubts when they attempted to buy the CBC, the CIA and nine tenths of Spain in the same day. But, who wouldn't? They didn't succeed, though (the CIA wasn't for sale, the CBC wasn't worth the asking price and it only got six sevenths of Spain).
The closest I came to believing a conspiracy theory was when I noticed that Aunt Beatrice started looking younger. It was a slow process, nothing one could really put one's finger on, but it soon became obvious. Then, when Beatrice's logo started appearing at the end of every second commercial, I began to wonder...
Generally, though, I don't go for every crackpot theory suggested by any lunatic with a persecution complex. Thus, when I say that I think something very peculiar is happening in major league baseball, you should think twice about writing me off as any lunatic with a persecution complex (or, for that matter, a lunatic with a shopping complex).
At the moment, the Blue Jays are on top of the American League East by a healthy nine games. The team is surprisingly strong this year, and may well take the division. From there, it is a short series to the World Series and a possible championship.
Even as you read this, there is a growing movement to stop such an eventuality. A bipartisan committee of a dozen Congressmen and Senators, aided by FBI and CIA "technical advisers," is meeting in complete secrecy somewhere in Washington.
"Gentlemen," the Chairman of the ad-hoc committee, a Democrat Congressman from the south, said, "what we have heah is a failueah tuh obliterate. Strong action is called fo."
"What are we talking about?" the only female member of the committee asked. "A game. It's only a game..."
"Just a game?" the Chairman questioned, barely able to hold his temper in check. "Ma'am, we'ah not talkin' 'bout just a game, we ah talkin' 'bout thuh Amurican way of lahf! Why, if we let this heah pipsqueak country beat us at ouh own sport, we'll be the laughin'stock of thuh entiah world!"
"Why call it the World Series, then," the woman persisted, "if you have no intention of allowing other countries to participate freely?"
A liberal from New York responded, "They can participate freely - they just shouldn't be allowed to win. As for the name, calling the baseball finals the World Series reinforces our view that we are the world, to coin a phrase, that America is the only important place to be. What I really don't understand is why we can't just play up the fact that most of the Blue Jays are American anyway."
"Wouldn't be thuh same," the Chairman insisted. "Besides, then we'd have ta admit that theh weh a lot of Venezuelans, Puerto Ricans and all them othuh types on thuh team."
"So, what can we do?" a young Senator, not used to the proper unfolding of Congressional debates, cut to the chase.
The head of the CIA delegation stepped forward. "We are, sadly, severely limited in our options," the CIA man stated, "because we presently consider Canada a friendly state..."
"What about diplomacy?" somebody asked.
"We've tried that route for the last couple of weeks," the CIA agent replied, "but we're hampered by the tension that has sprung up between our two countries recently. So far, the Canadian government has refused to act on this matter, and, personally, I do not believe they are likely to."
"They probably think 'World Series' applies to them, too," the woman commented.
"Wull," the Chairman asked, "whut ken we do?"
In a rare display of inter-agency cooperation, the CIA man deferred to the head of the FBI delegation. "We have planted a couple of men in the player's union," he revealed, "and, if the situation in the American League East does not improve drastically, we will exercise our first strike option."
A murmur broke out among the crowd. "Whut you ah sayin'," the Chairman attempted to clarify, "is that we might have ta destroy baseball in order tuh save it?"
"Exactly," the FBI agent said.
"Ah lak it!" the Chairman enthused.
"A short strike," the FBI man explained, "would take a lot of momentum out of the team. If there is a split season, the Blue Jays would have to play an extra series to get to the finals.
"On the other hand, if we feel that the team is simply too strong, we have the option of extending the strike into the winter, effectively ending the season. This would be...well, a drastic step, and we should consider it only if all else fails."
"Why don't we just try to put together a team that will beat them?" the female member of the group asked.
"Madame," the Chairman, with great dignity, stated, "that would not be thuh Amurican way!"
