ANNOUNCER: We will return you to your regularly scheduled column after these brief announcements.
Marlon Brando, wearing only a pair of shorts and sunglasses, sits beside a pool in a tropical paradise. A beautiful young native woman without a stitch of clothing hands him a tall glass with an umbrella and a straw. Brando viciously throws the umbrella to the ground, takes a swat at the woman - who jumps out of reach and rushes away - composes himself and turns to face the camera.
BRANDO: Hi. You know, I don't need any money. Not only do I have millions of dollars, but the cost of living on this island is next to nothing. So, when I agree to do a commercial for television, you know that it has to be a product in which I truly belive. One such product is... (holds up product) Stylar plastic show lace nibs. Unlike regular shoe lace nibs, Stylar show lace nibs are made using Doctor Stylar's unique plastic formula, and are guaranteed not to break, melt or otherwise wear out because of anything less than a nuclear explosion. I can honestly tell you that if I ever needed to wear shoes out here - which I don't - I would want the reassurance of a Stylar plastic shoe lace nib. So, when you have to replace your old shoe lace nibs, think... (shouting) Stylar!
ANNOUNCER: Stylar plastic shoe lace nibs...because nothing is too good for your feet.
BRANDO: (screaming) Stylar!
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Close-up of albums and cassettes.
ANNOUNCER: Remember when you heard your favourite song on the radio when you were younger? The music had a way of driving you wild, didn't it? Did you ever stand in front of your mirror while that special song was being played and stroke the air like your favourite guitarist? Well, now, for a limited time only, you can receive an album that contains 20 of rock's most beloved hits as performed by some of rock's greatest non-performer's. Masters of the Air Guitar, Volume One includes such monster hits as... (start crawl) Charles "Chucki" Hanson's version of "Light My Fire..." (silence) Albert Laidlaw with "All Along the Watchtower..." (silence) Alma Mae Twitter's unforgettable rendition of the electric version of "Woodstock..." (silence) Dean Rooney playing everybody's favourite, "Stairway to Heaven..." (silence) Martha van Donaldson's haunting acoustic version of "The Sounds of Silence..." (no sounds, silence) And, many, many more. Masters of the Air Guitar, Volume One (end crawl) is not available in redord stores or home gardening centres. If you act now, you can reserve your copy at Doug's Mime Emporium on Jarvis, two blocks north of the Red Light Café. Supplies are limited, so go out and buy your copy of Masters of the Air Guitar, Volume One right now!
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A man holding a microphone in front of a theatre.
ANNOUNCER: Once in a lifetime, a show comes along that must be seen by every man, woman and child on the face of the earth. Pandamania is just such a show...
OLD WOMAN: (speaking into the microphone) It was great - the lights, the music, the stage made up to look like a cage in the zoo. I'm coming back next week to see it with my children. Then, I'm going to bring my friends the week after that. Then, maybe I'll come with my husband. Then...
ANOTHER OLD WOMAN: (speaking into the same microphone) I couldn't get to see the real pandas when they were at the zoo here, so this show as perfect. It was everything I imagined the pandas would be, without the smell...
ANNOUNCER: Pandamania - not the giant panda bears from China, but an incredible simulation. At the Elbow Theatre from now until it isn't there any more. For the time of your life, see Pandamania - you will believe a bear can be cute.
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