Out of Ottawa they rode, the fearsome three who were given a mandate (not mandated, as the common speech might have it) to clean up this country, right wrongs and generally be swell guys all over the place!
They were the ones who were going to take it to the people! They were the ones who were going to tell is like it is! (Actually, they took it from the people and told it the way the government wanted to hear it, but that was much later, long after everybody had lost interest.)
They were:
Conrad Blue, a wealthy industrialist from Toronto. Blue, who was Vice President of MultiNatCorp, Canada, had graduated from the University of Toronto with a degree in Economics, made a fortune on the stock market and sat on the boards of dozens of obscenely profitable corporations. Blue had contributed literally thousands of dollars to the Conservative Party over the years.
Samuel Argus, a wealthy oil baron from Calgary. Argus had a Mechanical Engineering degree from Cal Tech. Although he had inherited much of his wealth from his father, shrewd investment had led him to quadruple his original holdings in a matter of months. Coincidentally, Argus had also been a great financial supporter of the Tories.
Llewelyn Smith, a wealthy discotheque owner from Vancouver. Smith had a degree in Mass Communications from York University. He had spent years as a talent agent and restaurateur before starting the amazingly popular Club Canadienne. Although Smith had never given any money to the Conservative Party, he had many friends therein.
Together, these three men made up the Royal Commission on Nothing in Particular. And, at $3,000 a day, they were going to make damn sure they got to the bottom of it!
The first meeting of the Commission was held in Saskatoon because, well, none of them had ever been there before. The logic was inexorable.
After introductions were made, the three sat down together to decide just what the heck they were going to do. The conversation, which was not recorded, must have gone something like this:
BLUE: I think the most pressing issue facing the Canadian people today is the economy. The way I see it, we've got to investigate just what's wrong with the economy, and figure out ways to fix it.
SMITH: I don't know anything about economics. When Brian says we're going to give the rich tax breaks in order to stimulate the economy, well, I'm not about to argue with such an obviously brilliant plan.
BLUE: He hasn't said that yet.
SMITH: Maybe not, but my friends inside the Progressive Conservative Party tell me that it's only a matter of time. Listen, we're all agreed that supply side economics works, right?
BLUE: Right.
ARGUS: You bet.
SMITH: So, if we're all agreed, who cares what the public thinks? What really needs investigation is the government's funding of the arts. I'm a perfect example of a person who has done well without government aid, and I'd like to see if others have ideas on how we can get the government out of the arts."
BLUE: Really? That's fine for you, but I don't know any more about the arts than what programme I'm not going to watch on television tonight. Unless it's opera, I couldn't properly report on the relationship between government and the arts."
SMITH: What about you, Argus?
ARGUS: I don't suppose either of you are interested in looking into the possibility of raising oil prices to world levels, are you?
BLUE: I don't think that that's such a good idea, Sam. My company owns a fleet of ships, and the sort of thing you're suggesting would cost us a huge bundle of money...
ARGUS: Forget I said anything.
SMITH: Gentlemen, surely there is something we can agree to investigate.
BLUE: Terrible weather we've been having lately..."
ARGUS: This is Canada. You've got to expect snow.
BLUE: Yes, but not in May.
ARGUS: Why don't you go to Bermuda?
SMITH: We should move the entire country to Bermuda.
BLUE: It would be too expensive.
ARGUS: Let's not rush to judgment.
BLUE: What are you thinking?
ARGUS: Let's lay out some options and let the people decide...
Into Ottawa they rode, several months and $400,000 later. Pens unsheathed, throwing caution to the winds and holding nothing back, the Commission on Nothing in Particular concluded that it was not feasible at this time to move the entire country of Canada to Bermuda, even for a short period of time. However, a dissenting view is soon to be published.
Democracy in action is a wondrous thing to behold!
