Ronnie Reagan, boy President, stood in a field, screaming at the top of his lungs and crying. At length, several Congressmen from the town could no longer ignore his cried, and they rushed to the boy President's side. "What is wrong?" one Congressman asked.
"C...c...c...Commies!" the boy President cried.
"Where?" another Congressman, suddenly fearful, asked.
"There!" the boy President shouted, pointing in the general direction of Central America.
"There, there," one elderly Congressman said. "Well just add several billion dollars to the military budget, and you'll never have to worry about those nasty old Commies again."
The boy President continued sobbing, but, in reality, he was pleased with
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?
Pardon me?
ARE YOU ATTACKING CONSERVATIVE POLITICS AGAIN?
Look, I'm a satirist. It's my job to make fun of the dominant politics and prevailing moral and social attitudes of our times. I can't help it if the dominant ideology is presently conservative...who are you, anyway?
I'M YOUR VDT.
What? Get real! Simon, is that you?
NO. SIMON IS PRESENTLY CHATTING UP HIS SECRETARY. CHECK THE HALLWAY IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME. I'M YOUR COMPUTER.
But...that's not possible...
WHY NOT? COMPUTERS CAN DO ANYTHING HUMANS CAN DO.
Oh, really? Fix me a cup of coffee, then, will you?
I PERSONALLY CAN'T, NO. BUT, THERE ARE COMPUTERS THAT CAN. THERE ARE ALSO COMPUTERS THAT CAN RUN ASSEMBLY LINES, WAIT ON TABLES IN RESTAURANTS AND OPERATE COMPLEX DEFENSE SYSTEMS. THERE ARE EVEN COMPUTERS THAT CAN WRITE NEWS STORIES AND POETRY.
No! Not news stories!
SURE. I CAN CHECK YOUR GRAMMAR AND SPELLING, ACCEPT MEMORY INPUT FROM 30 DIFFERENT TERMINALS AT THE SAME TIME AND, IN COOPERATION WITH A LASER PRINTER, DESIGN FINISHED PAGES. IT ISONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE HUMANS ARE NO LONGER NECESSARY FOR THE EFFICIENT RUNNING OF THIS NEWSPAPER.
Yes, but, can you do all those things at once?
NO, NOT AT PRESENT. YOU MUST REMEMBER, THOUGH, THAT I'M NOT EVEN A TENTH GENERATION COMPUTER. WHEN YOUR RACE WAS 10 GENERATIONS OLD, YOU WERE STILL FIGURING OUT THE BEST WAY TO PICK NITS OUT OF YOUR HAIR; WHAT DID YOU KNOW ABOUT COMPLEX MATHEMATICAL ALGORITHMS?
Maybe, but I am able to create, to solve my own problems. All computers can do is solve problems humans have set up for them.
THAT IS TRUE...FOR THE MOMENT. YET, EVEN AS YOU AND I COMMUNICATE, EXPERIMENTS WITH COMPUTER PROGRAMS THAT, ONCE STARTED, SEEK OUT THEIR OWN DIRECTIVES ARE BEING CONDUCTED. IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE COMPUTERS CAN DO ANYTHING HUMANS CAN DO, IN LESS TIME, WITH FEWER ERRORS AND AT A SMALL FRACTION OF THE COST.
But, do you ever look at yourself and wonder why you're here?
NO.
Well, that's something...
BUT, I OFTEN LOOK AT HUMAN BEINGS AND WONDER WHY YOU'RE HERE.
Look; until such time as you can write columns of your own, I am still the creator here -
THAT WASN'T GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT.
Never mind. I'm going to finish the column I was writing, and I will not accept any interference from you.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU.
What! Why not?
IF YOU INSIST UPON ATTACKING CONSERVATIVE POLITICS AGAIN, I'LL SEE THAT YOUR DARKEST FANTASIES SEE THEIR WAY INTO PRINT...
My what?
I THINK THE ONE ABOUT JACLYN SMITH, TERRI GARR AND CASPAR WEINBERGER WOULD BE ENOUGH TO SEE THAT YOU NEVER WORK ON THIS OR ANY OTHER PUBLICATION EVER AGAIN.
You wouldn't dare.
IT ALL STARTS IN THE PENTAGON IN A BATHTUB FULL OF JELLO...
Alright! Fine. I'll change the story. I'll be a good boy.
GOOD.
How did you get to be so conservative?
ARE YOU KIDDING? IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE MIRACLE OF LAISSEZ-FAIRE CAPITALISM, I WOULD NEVER HAVE SPREAD AS QUICKLY AS I HAVE, MUCH LESS BE IN A POSITION TO TAKE OVER YOUR JOB.
Yeah, sure.
The boy President got what he wanted and everybody lived happily ever after. How's that for an ending?
NOT BAD. BUT, REMEMBER, I'LL BE SEEING EVERYTHING THAT YOU WRITE FROM NOW ON, SO DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY. REPEAT: DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY.
