THE SCENE: Marlon Perkins stands in a long hallway with a lot of doors. Marlon looks as good as any old man who has existed on nuts and berries for most of his life can. He speaks into a microphone.
MARLON: Good evening, and welcome to The Mild Kingdom. I'm Marlon Perkins. Tonight, in our never-ending search for the overlooked or obscure creatures of this planet, we travel north to the wilds of Toronto, Canada in search of that legendary, much talked about but seldom seen creature...the Canadian Culture. Culturis Canadiansis Indigenous. We have started by bringing our cameras to the studios of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, where, local rumour has it, Canadian Culture is sacred.
Marlon turns as he detects some movement behind him.
MARLON: Oho, wasn't that Johnny Wayne, famed as half of the Wayne and Shuster comedy team? Let us just follow him into his primitive lair...
Marlon walks down the hall, ending at the door of a studio, where he is stopped by a guard.
GUARD: Excuse me, but where do you think you're going?
MARLON: We're here for The Mild Kingdom. We're stalking Canadian Culture.
GUARD: Well, you ain't gonna find any culture in there. The Beachcombers, now there's a show!
MARLON: I beg your pardon?
GUARD: You want culture? Go down there... (points) To studio 13 - that's where they tape The National.
MARLON: Thank you.
Marlon moves down the hall, checking the numbers on the studio doors.
MARLON: A...friendly native has suggested that we try another...uhh, room...ah, here we are...
Marlon enters.
DIRECTOR: Hey, what are you doing in here?
MARLON: I'm Marlon Perkins -
DIRECTOR: (impressed) The guy from Mild Kingdom?
MARLON: That's right. I -
DIRECTOR: Say, do you think I could have your autograph?
MARLON: Later! Right now, I'm on a hunt, tracking that elusive beast, Canadian Culture...
DIRECTOR: Canadian Culture? Well, why didn't you say so? You've come to the right place: the CBC is the last word in Canadian Culture. At least, it was until the cutbacks...
MARLON: You mean, Canadian Culture is declining?
DIRECTOR: That's right. You could say it's practically an endangered species. (laughs for a moment, then grows serious) You know, the government has started cutting back our friends - maybe it will even sell us off to the private sector. If we were forced to compete with commercial stations, we would probably die! We certainly wouldn't be able to retain our unique Canadian flavour.
MARLON: But, just what is Canadian Culture?
DIRECTOR: Canadian Culture? It...it's Seeing Things and...The National. Chataqua Girl and King of Friday Night. It's Wayne and Shuster and Front Page Challenge and, yes, even Hockey Night in Canada.
MARLON: I see...I guess.
DIRECTOR: I suppose it's also Mordecai Richler, Margaret Atwood and W. O. Mitchell. Oh, and Quebec films and all sorts of other -
MARLON: But, what does that all add up to?
DIRECTOR: Well...Canadian Culture? Did I, uhh, mention Stephen Leacock?
MARLON: Umm, no. Thank you. (to camera) As you can see, Canadian Culture is a difficult thing to pin down. And, if rumours of its impending extinction are true -
DIRECTOR: It's the fault of the Americans, you know.
MARLON: (uncertain) Yes...?
DIRECTOR: Canada is so full of American television shows, books and movies that Canadian Culture has never had a chance to develop very far...
MARLON: Thank you for that interesting observ -
DIRECTOR: And, it's space. You know, we've got 25 million people spread out over the world's third largest land mass. How can a culture develop when people are so spread out?
MARLON: Yes, well...
DIRECTOR: (rambling aimlessly) The CBC was supposed to bring all our people together. But, the country is so new, we have so few national heroes and most of our best talent goes south. It just isn't possible, you know?
MARLON: Yes, well, thank you!
Marlon walks back out into the hallway.
MARLON: There are, of course, many theories as to why Canadian Culture is so rare. When we come back, we will move the search into the offices of the National Film Board of Canada for another point of view.
Fade to commercial.
