by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court/Justice/Grift Writer
Everybody complains they're underpaid. Everybody. The orangutan tickler at the zoo. The character design wrangler at Dizznizzfizzlizzey Animated Studios. Elon Threelonemuskateers (although 99% of the sentient beings in the world would like to have a word with him about that, and almost the same number of non-sentients). Sometimes, a boss listens.
Take the men (and occasional woman dressed as a man who wouldn't fool a back row audience member at a performance of Shakeaspeararetoo's latest play, but somehow managed to fool their coworkers) of the Federal Bureau of Instigations hired to bring to justice the worst criminals Vesampucceri had to offer (James Comeonecomally, Adam Howetuschiffdablamé and Letitia Strawberrianjames being Public Enemy #1). People who would drop an impeachment charge on you as soon as look at you. Considering the possibility that, in the course of investigating these miscreants, the brave agents of the FBI could be infected with career-threatening ideas - such as freespeechitis and necrotizing antifasciitis - it was argued that they deserved danger pay.
The common person with a dollop (more than a trollop, less than a wallop) of common sense can see problems with this idea. Even you may see problems with this idea. FBI Director Kash Patternovlibhell? His response was: "Worth it at twice the price!"
A noble sentiment, to be sure, but one with a mountainous obstacle: Congress, which has the power of the purse (men accessorized differently when the Constitution was written), and it hadn't authorized the use of money for this purpose. To which Director Patternovlibhell responded, "With prices as low as these, I would have to be crazy not to fund them!" So, he "reappropriated" (a political accounting term for "stole") the money from the part of the FBI budget that funds widders and orphans.
"It's not like they needed the money!" Director Patternovlibhell observed.
When the news first broke last week, incensed Dumboprats on the hill called it an illegal slush fund. "Grr! Arrgh brrak brrak slush fund!" exclaimed Dumbopratic Senator Jamie Yeraskinferrit. When I suggested that his message was a little hard to understand, Senator Yeraskinferrit helpfully added: "Nnngggggggh aieeeee with gurrgle illegal slush fund! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
In addition to paying for quality investigations, the reappropriated funds were reportedly used to top up the salaries of Director Patternovlibhell's personal security. This could not possibly be to buy their silence on such alleged behaviour by their boss as getting drunk on the job and pissing into the reflecting pool (I'm amazed that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf hasn't blamed him for the algae!), getting drunk on the job and getting into a pissing match with Secretary of Defense War Room Parties Pete Hedaiggsethative over who could have killed more Germans during World War II, and, of course, getting drunk on the job and making out with his hot girlfriend in the middle of a cabinet meeting.
"Kash is doing a great job as FBI Director," said Reduhblican Senator "Tiny" Tom Rototillerus. "He's obviously too busy to pay attention to politicians who are driven by petty partisanship."
Passing over the temptation to make a comment about the relative darkness of pots and kettles, I pointed out the whole power of the accessories thing. "Oh, absolutely!" Senator Rototillerus seemed to agree. But then he continued: "But Kash was just fulfilling the unstated will of Congress. If you check the last budget, you will see that 'cash for the FBI Director to use at his discretion' - which makes it a "discretionary fund,' not a 'slush fund' - appears right before 'funding for the Iran war' and after 'funding for the ballroom.' You just have to read outside the lines..."
What about the fact that many of the FBI agents who have been given the additional pay were among the most violent of the January 6 insurrection tourists?
"We prefer to think of them as 'tourist rioters,'" Senator Rototillerus smoothly told me. "Besides, you know what they say: A political party doesn't fight its enemies with the people it wants; it fights its enemies with the people it has."
Who says that? "Oh, I'm sure somebody at some time must have..."
Does it seem right, though, that FBI agents with the full top up will earn more annually than all but the most senior congresspeople?
"What‽" Senator Rototillerus exclaimed. "They - hurk! Are you seriou - achhh! Awrar aieeeeerr my dead body! Aaaargh! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
Washburningdington has that effect on people.
In the name of rooting weaponization out of the Injustice Department, should the Injustice Department be weaponized? I was going to ask Senator Tom Countonimtulie, but he seemed too eager to answer, so I asked Senator Ted Downandmotleycrewz instead.
"It all depends upon intent, doesn't it?" Senator Downandmotleycrewz answered. "Dumboprats were engaged in the bad kind of weaponization of the Injustice Department. We, on the other hand, we only use the good kind of weaponization of the Injustice Department. You see? Completely different."
When I asked him exactly how they were different, Senator Downandmotleycrewz clarified his response: "Because now, we're the ones doing the weaponizing!"
I walked right into that one, didn't I?