by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal/Corruption Writer
"This Land Is Their LandThe United States of Vesampucceri has arrived at a point in its historical development that every creakingly advanced civilization since the cave dwellers of Estonia has faced: Why does Jared Kushkushinthebush want to buy an island?
"Oh, I may or may not be able to answer that question, depending upon the literacy level of your readers," Albanian Prime Minister Edi Ramalamading stated. "But I can tell you why he can have it: Mister Kushkushinthebush is offering us billions of dollars to buy an island we didn't even realize we wanted to sell. Life is good!"
Umm, well, okay. Thank you for that, sir. But like your Aunt Bertha's poundcake that is so heavy it could be used as a blunt instrument, the question remains: Why does President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's son-in-law want to buy an island?
"Because he's a bastard!" complained Federov Blonkchlapnikichev, a member of the Albanian People's Democratic Front of Albania (but not the leader, because it is an autonomous collective that has no leader, just a regular member whom everybody defers to to make decisions). "But he has to know that Albanians are a proud people. Colourful, perhaps. Complex, even. And I'm not saying that just because I run an agency that represents some of our most illustrious authors. When pressed to the limit with our backs against the wall, we can be just as vicious as somnolent marmosets protecting their...uhh...their - whatever their young are called!"
Well, uh, okay. And what exactly was the point of that excursion into the Albanian psyche?
"Ferk Vesampucceri!" Blonkchlapnikichev said. "You'll get our island when you pry it from our country's cold, dead fingers!"
Doesn't anybody know why Jared Kushkushinthebush wants to buy an island? Really?
"I. D.O.," a spirit told my Thursday Night Ouija Board Club. "I.S.N.'T. I.T. O.B.V.I.O.U.S.?"
When my Club responded that yeah, sure, it was painfully obvious to anybody with an IQ higher than a slumming marmoset, but, uhh, would you maybe, please explain it so we can see if people in the afterlife have the same understanding of the situation that those of us who...haven't joined them yet have?
"I.N.F.L.U.E.N.C.E.," the spirit answered. Then, it signed the message: "J. E."
Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein? Was that you?
"G.U.I.L.T.Y. A.S. C.H.A.R.G.E.D," the spirit told us. "N.O.T. I.N. T.H.E. L.E.G.A.L. S.E.N.S.E., O.F. C.O.U.R.S.E. M.O.R.E. I.N. T.H.E. C.O.L.L.O.Q.U.I.A.L. S.E.N.S.E. O.F. Y.E.S."
It made sense (legal or otherwise). Kushkushinthebush would invite the richest and most powerful people in the world to his private island to indulge in their wildest fantasies. Sort of like the TV series Fantasy Island, but with 87% less network interference (398% less network interference in McDruhitmumpf math). Of course, they would have to pay for the privilege; nobody in this world gets anything for free (unless they are born into wealth...or marry into it - not that I'm thinking about anybody in particular...). If they weren't willing to pay willingly, well, how much would keeping their wildest fantasies from becoming public be worth to them? This could keep members of the McDruhitmumpf family rich and influential for generations, or at least until Congress caught up with them and started asking awkward questions.
I started to ask the spirit if I was on the right track when one of the Club members spilled her vodka and lime all over the Ouija board, immediately breaking our connection to the spirit world. I had to wait until 24 hours later for the meeting of my Tuesday Night Seance Club to put the full question to the spirit (against the objections of other members of the club, who wanted to ask Abe Linkedinonalog what he thought of plans by President McDruhitmumpf to replace his monument with a statue of the current President goosing the Statue of Liberty - priorities, people! Priorities!).
"Wooooo aaaah - wooooo a - kaff! Kaff! Kaff!" the spirit answered. "Would it kill you to ventilate this room better? Between the candles and the incense, the smoke is killing my throat!"
I assured him we would do our best to fix the problem, much to the consternation of Madame Slartabartfastski, who ran the seance. "Of course that's what Jared is doing!" the spirit rasped. "That's obvious to any 12 year-old with half a brain! And speaking of 12 year-olds, can I tell you -"
I thanked the spirit and quickly broke the circle before he could finish. Given the way it had started, nothing good could come from him completing that sentence!