by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Justice Writer
On January 6TM, Ivor Biggunsinnismynd tried to strangle a police officer with a live polecat.
"I...was caught up in the moment," Biggunsinnismynd testified at his trial for attempted murder, seditious conspiracy and animal cruelty. "It was a terrible thing to do to a dumb animal - and the polecat was pretty freaked out, too."
Biggunsinnismynd was convicted and sentenced to 17 years in prison (and 12 years of marriage).
"I deserved more - life without a chance for parole, thumbscrews, the oubiette - boobliette - I forget the name of the thing, but it looked like a pretty nasty torture device," lamented Biggunsinnismynd. "All my life, I've believed in lawn order - can you appreciate how horrifying it has been for me to have to admit that I am the weed? Ewwwwwwwuuuuuugh!"
Just as his wallow was getting a godhead of steam, the unthinkable happened: President Ronald McDruhitmumpf pardoned all the January 6 insurrectionists, rioters and elephant ticklers.
"Why would he do that‽" Biggunsinnismynd wailed. "I'm the worst of the wurst! The scum of he hearth! I tried to strangle an officer of the law...with a musteline mammal! Me! I always backed the blue - admittedly from as far back as I could get - no point getting too close to grabby hands. What did I do in my life that was so terrible that I was given a complete, unconditional pardon?"
Biggunsinnismynd plead with the warden to let him stay in prison, but no dice (the craps game was illegal, so they had been confiscated by guards the week before): he was immediately released from prison, released with extreme prejudice.
What was a poor insurrectionist wracked with guilt (but not guilty of being put on the rack) supposed to do? Biggunsinnismynd's path was counter-intuitive (a tabletop in his kitchen had ESP): within a week of being released, he robbed a bank and was rearrested.
"I didn't need the money," Biggunsinnismynd claimed, but quickly corrected himself: "I wouldn't say no to money - do you have any idea how much it costs to drive my kid to tuba college by hovercraft? But my main goal was to get the Injustice Department's attention, to say to it: ‘Hey! Bad guy, here! Are you sure you want him walking your streets? No! No, you don't! You really do not!'"
It didn't help that his lawyer had argued that the bank robbery had been planned before the pardon was issued, so technically the crime should have been covered by it. "Whose side was she on‽" Biggunsinnismynd moaned.
It really didn't help that the judge in his case was Aileen Looseygoosecannon, who had been appointed by President McDruhitmumpf and was grateful for the trust he had placed in her. Super grateful. Like, to the point of stupid grateful. Before the trial had even started she accepted the defence's argument and dismissed all charges.
"It's enough to make you lose faith in the justice system!" Biggunsinnismynd muttered.
Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, it got worse. As Biggunsinnismynd was planning another bank robbery, the President announced that he was starting a fund to compensate people who "had been victims of the weaponization of the Injustice Department - nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!"
A week later, Biggunsinnismynd got a letter from the Injustice Department that started, "Hello, January 6 Insurrectionist. You may already be a winner!" He ripped it up unread, burned the pieces and tossed the ashes into the wide Saganaw Sea.
A week after that, he received another letter from the Injustice Department that started, "Hello, January 6 Insurrectionist. You already are a winner, you may just not know it yet!" He ripped it up unread, burned the pieces and flushed the ashes down the toilet.
A week after that, he received yet another letter from the Injustice Department. This one started, "Oh, Come on, January 6 Insurrectionist! The President has decided that you are going to be a winner, and he's going to fire everybody connected with distributing this fund if you don't accept his reality! What did we ever do to you to deserve that? So, what do you say? It's only 3 to 5 million dollars - people would kill for that much money...and have! And, anyway, if you don't want it, you can always rip, burn and flush it. So, what do you say? You gonna be a pal, or what?"
"It was like a knife in my heart!" Biggunsinnismynd intoned, hitting his chest with his fist.
"Mister Biggunsinnismynd's response is not representative of the January 6 rioters," observed former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "Whoops of joy, fist pumping and energetic high fives were the main response to the pardons, while sex with people who were not their partners was a typical response to the announcement of the weaponization fund. It's enough to make you lose faith in the justice system!"
"I would kill myself," Biggunsinnismynd grimly stated, "but I'm afraid President McDruhitmumpf would find a way to reward me for it!"