For the umpty fifteenth time, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's tariffs on Canadian goods and services has been ruled illegal by a Vesampuccerian court. And for the umpty sixteenth time, the President has announced that he will levy a 10% tariff on Canadian goods and services using a different rationale.
"This morning I ordered the creation of an Executive Order - I love Executive Orders - they give me a warm, tingly feeling," President McDruhitmumpf said at a press lovefest. "And at my age, I'll take my warm, tingly feelings any way I can get them! Not that I'm that old: doctors tell me I have the warm, tingly feelings of a man half my age - in fact, I'm having a warm, tingly feeling right now! What? Oh. Right. I asked for an Executive Order imposing a 10% tariff - which, for the sake of argument and better approval ratings, let's say was a 127% tariff - on all Canadian goods and services coming from Canada. Why? Because their comedians are funnier than ours - even though Vesampucceri has the funniest comedians the world has ever known - which gives Canada an unfair unadvantage in trade in cultural goo - what? We discovered Canada doesn't actually manufacture mandolins the umpty twelfth time I tried to impose tariffs on them! Do those snowbacks think they can get out of cheating us by not manufacturing the - oh, oh, oh! I know why we can tariff Canadian goods and services! Because the Canadian government isn't doing enough to make sure its companies don't use forced labour to produce them! There. Done. Have we used that excu - I mean, rationale before? Ah. Good. Have Harvey write it up and have it on my desk by four."
The Harvey the President -
"WATCH OUT FOR THAT TANNING BUTTER!"
Hunh. That's the last time I write a story sipping B52s on the beach!
The Harvey the President was referring to was Harvey Sasquatchewanner, an inmate at the Gerald R. Canyuaffordhim Correctional Facility and National Reconciliation Center, a private prison run by The NOGO Group (a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatcorp - "We do shady carceral stuff!"). He is currently serving his fifteenth year of a two year sentence for breathing while Black (which is apparently a crime in Alassippi). He is paid 37 cents a week to write Executive Orders for the Grey House.
"We find that the President - hallowed be His name - wants so many Executive Orders that writing them seriously cuts into his nap time," explained Grey House Chief of the Zoo Susie Runswildinthestreeps. "Using prison labour saved taxpayers enough money to replace three of the 718 Stinker missiles we used in Iran!"
Isn't it hypocritical of the Vesampucceri government to accuse Canadian companies of using forced labour in other countries when the United States allows it?
"Oh, no," President McDruhitmumpf assured the press corpse. "It's not hypothetical at all. It's well documented. I've seen the documents - things so thick you'd need to have superstrength to pick them up. Which, as it happens, I have. My psychiatrist always tells me so. And a guy would have to be nuts to argue with his shrink! Ha Ha. But, uhh, that should just about answer your question..."
Not hypothetical. Hypocritical.
"Of course we're hypercritical of the Canadians!" the President exploded. "Damn snowbacks with their oh-so-innocent faces. Did you know that while innocent Vesampuccerians are sleeping, those bloody Canadians are producing counterfeit snowshoes in their igloos? Okay, give them credit for effort - do you have any idea how cold it gets in those igloos? They hardly have any insulation, and if you try to have a smoke, you'll burn a hole in the wall! Honestly, why anybody would want to live in such a god-forsaken country is a mystery to me! I mean, one even Agatha Chrisgardstouderrmett couldn't solve! But, uhh, that should just about answer any question you have on the subject of...what we were talking about..."
Hypocritical! Not hypercritical! Not hypodermic! Not hippopotamus! Hypocritical! Isn't your Executive Order about Canadian companies using forced labour hypocritical!
"Whoa! Somebody got up on the wrong side of the slab this morning!" President McDruhitmumpf observed. "Hey, look, if you don't like that Executive Order, just wait a couple of days and I'll come up with another one!"