What the Heck Do You Know? About Sucking Up to the President [ARNS]

SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE

1) What is HR1761? a) The Make Gasoline Prices Lower Bill
b) The End the Endless War Excursion In Iran Act
c) The Who Wants To Know? Act

 2) Are you sure about that? Because I could have sworn it was The Ronald J. McDruhitmumpf $250-dollar Bill Act. Are you sure that's not what it is? a) how could that be? How could somebody who has attained the highest office in the land, somebody who has taken up the mantle of leader of the free world, be so insecure they would need their face on money while they were still alive?
b) it couldn't be that: saying "as crooked as a 250 dollar bill" would make no sense
c) okay, yes, that is what it is, but only in the presumptive fricative sense, so that hardly counts

 3) What is HR792? a) a pastry so light it has to be glued to the plate to keep it from floating away
b) the number of clones of former National Security Adviser McMasterservant (and they still haven't got the model just right!)
c) absurdium, the new element discovered by physicists at CERN

 4) So, it has nothing to do with passing a law to carve President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's face on Mount Rushweekpartimore? a) wha - you really think - I mean - no! It's about...gluing pastries on Mount Rushmore so they don't float away!
b) of course not! Where's the ambition? Where's the can-do spirit that made Vesampucceri great before? No, it's about carving President McDruhitmumpf's face on the moon!
c) okay, yeah, that's exactly what it's about. But damn, now I can't get the idea of carving his face on the moon out of my head!

 5) What is HR3432? a) The HR Pufnstuf Memorial Theme Song Act
b) The We're Better at Gerrymandering Districts Than You Are, So Nyah Nyah Act
c) The Fart and the Spurious: Tokyo Grift Act

 6) No, I'm sorry, but it's listed on the Congressional roster as "The MDS Research Act." What does MDS stand for? a) Morally Depraved Suckers
b) Mongeese Descending on Stockholm
c) Manipulated Dicta? Surplus!

 7) Isn't HR3432 an act of Congress that would command the National Institutes of Health to conduct research on McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome? a) wha - you really think - I mean - don't be silly! Everybody knows McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome isn't a real thing! ...Except the President. But he barely has a licence to practice medicine, so what is his opinion worth?
b) oh, right, right, right, right, right, the President's opinion is worth 13 1/2 times that of any other medical practitioner - 27 3/4 if the other medical practitioner is a Dumboprat - he's the doctorest doctor who ever doctored! So, if he says you suffer from McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome, you better take your medications and STFU!
c) yes, but only in the sense of commanding the National Institutes of Health to conduct research on McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome, so that's alright, then

 8) What is HR 1395? a) Heroic Ramen: an act mandating that every Vesampuccerian must eat 1,395 bowls of tasty, tasty Asian soup in their lifetime
b) Hasty Roman: an act mandating the censure of Pope Leo 1,395 times for daring to criticize the President for portraying himself as Jesus healing the loaves of bread in internet memes
c) Huffy Remonstrance: an act mandating that President McDruhitmumpf can criticize Dumboprats 1,395 times without any pushback, which is punishable by five years in prison and a $1.776 billion fine

 9) Really? Because the Congressional Calendar says it's the McDruhitmumpf's Birthday and Flag Day Establishment Act. Why would the President want to have a national holiday celebrating his birthday on Flag Day? a) he just wanted to run the idea up the flagpole and see who didn't salute it
b) he figures it will make it easier to replace the stars and stripes with a skull and crossbones (in red, white and blue - he's not completely opposed to tradition!)
c) intertwining celebrations of the leader and the country is a trick the President learned from his good friend Benito Mussolinguini

 10) Is that going to work out better for McDruhitmumpf than it did for Mussolinguini? a) of course! Thanks to government cutbacks, lampposts are in short supply in major Vesampuccerian cities!
b) of course! McDruhitmumpf is a lot older than Mussolinguini was when he was in power, so our President is much more likely to die before the people have an opportunity to revolt against him than the Italian dictator was
c) would you be so kind as to write your name, phone number, email address and home address in the space conveniently provided below? It will make it a whole lot easier for representatives of the Department of Homeland Insecurity to pay you a visit...

11) What is HR691? a) a pimple on the buttocks of the galaxy
b) a pleasant dream on a bright summer's day
c) a young lover's wish on the back of an envelop written in the stars

 12) So, it's not the Designate the Washington John Foster Dullesdishwater International Airport in Virginia as the "Ronald J. McDruhitmumpf International Airport" Act? a) don't be ridiculous. John Foster Dullesdishwater was one of the most important Vesampuccerians who ever lived! Nobody would think to change the name of an airport named after the man who...you know - the man who did...the things - the very important things that made Vesampucceri great befo - okay, I'll bite: who is John Foster Dullesdishwater and why does he have an airport named after him?
b) it could be - how much are you willing to pay President McDruhitmumpf to get Congress to pass such an act?
c) yes, but not when anybody's paying attention

 13) What is HR5766? a) a plaster drywall over the cracks in the country's idiotocracy
b) the name Dottie Flittermeunsterman gave the star she bought in the Andromeda galaxy (no, Dottie's not known for her imagination - what would make you think that?)
c) a new method of waxing your privates that's almost less painful

 14) Yeah, yeah, I'm on to you, What the Heck Do You Know? quiz constructor! HR5766 is actually The Ronald J. McDruhitmumpf Peace Prize Act, which requires the Secretary of State to award an honorary McDruhitmumpf Peace Prize every year. Every year! Who will have he honour of receiving the first one? a) Jared Kushkushinthebush, for his selfless dedication to getting his company billion dollar contracts from Middle Eastern potentates
b) United States Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckavoxhuma, who managed to contain his End Times lust for Jewish blood long enough to help Israel commit genocide in Gaza
c) President McDruhitmumpf, of course, but why stop at the first one? Peace Prizes are like peanuts: the public can't swallow just one!

 15) I couldn't help but notice that none of the potential winners of the McDruhitmumpf Peace Prize has done anything to, you know, advance the cause of peace in the world. Is there a better name for it? a) yes: the McDruhitmumpf Stick It To That Poseur Bushbamclintreagbush Prize
b) yes: the McDruhitmumpf Take That! Nobelthingido Prize Committee - You Group Of Terrible, Terrible People Prize
c) no: the President says this is the perfect name for the award, so it stays

 16) House Reduhblicans snuck a $1 billion earmark for President McDruhitmumpf's ballroom (you know - the one where the East Wing of the Grey House used to be? Riiiight - that ballroom) into an appropriations bill for ICES and Border Insecurity. Didn't the President say that the ballroom would only cost $200 million, and that it would be paid for by private donations, not the taxpayer? a) inflation, you know, it's not in the control of any single person, even the president - it's the fault of Joe Bidenhisbeeswax and Jerome Wambampowellman - so STFU and enjoy watching wealthy and powerful people dance
b) oh, you know, the President says a lot of things, so many, it's hard to keep track, even with an IQ of 1,737, so cut him some slack and let him have his ballroom
c) yes, but to be fair, you and 80 million other people (some of whom may have been electronic-Vesampuccerians, but still) voted for this

17) Should Vesampuccerian taxpayers be paying for a Presidential ballbunkeroom? a) no, but to be fair, if it's like many other of President McDruhitmumpf's initiatives, it will never get built, so taxpayers will be paying mostly for a huge hole in the ground
b) no, but to be fair, most billionaires are wealthy only on paper, so, unlike waitresses and dirt farmers, it's not like they have liquid assets like cash to throw around at the President's whims
c) no, but to be fair, it's not like anybody's going to tell the President that

18) What are the odds of any of these bills passing the Senate? a) lower than a camel passing through the eye of a needle
b) lower than a camel starring in a remake of the film Eye of the Needle
c) lower than whale spit on a balmy summer's day

 19) Then why are Reduhblicans doing it? a) Gord visited Speaker of the House Mike Pullyerownjohnson in a dream and told him that golden calves were in this year
b) President McDruhitmumpf promised to share policy pronouncements that will affect the stock market with Reduhblican leaders before they're made in public (and we all live in hope...)
c) they pray to Saint Ronald to bless them with easy primaries

 20) Do Reduhblicans have no dignity, self-respect or pride? a) they sold them at auction to the highest bidder in return for power. Who could have known they were worth so little?
b) they were told dignity is overrated, self-respect is soooooo 1990s and pride is for lions in a tweep by Elon Threelonemuskateers, and nobody dares argue with the richest man in the world
c) no, but that's just the kind of sacrifice that will Make Vesampucceri Great Again, so it's worth it!