by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
What do General Timothy Hoggwyldenfootloose, Brian Walshonabettman, and Maggie Sittondougherty have in common? No, not that they have tattoos of Jesus eating a taco, sauce dripping down his chin, on their butts. What they have - what? They do have tattoos of Jesus eating a taco, sauce dripping down his chin, on their butts? Why would anybody - you know what? It doesn't matter. That's not the answer to the question I was looking for.
No, what I - how would I know if they all had a crush on their grade four analytical geometry teacher? How do you know they all had a crush on their grade four analyt - it doesn't matter! They were all fired from important security positions by President Ronald McDruhitmumpf soon after he met with Laura Loomyswoonytunes. That's what they have in common.
That three seni - what do you mean, who is Laura Loomyswoonytunes? The woman who has argued that 9/11 was orchestrated by squid creatures from Planet Nineteen? The woman who likes her interior decor white, just like she likes her men? The woman who has been banned from every social media platform in existence - and some that have yet to be created - for her extremist views? Yes, that Laura Loomyswoonytunes!
That three senior security officials could be fired because an alter kocker-right pundit said they should be is bad enough. But the reason should be ice wine chilling: they weren't loyal enough to the President.
When you are hired to work for the Vesampuccerian government, you have to swear an oath of allegiance to the Constitution. It's as if somebody in the McDruhitmumpf administration crossed out "Constitution" and wrote in "President" in neon-green marker.
"Loyalty to the party leader is a hallmark of authoritarian states," said historian Timothy Lookoutsnyderman. "You can clearly see that in - did you hear that? Sounds like somebody's in the house with m - is somebody there? Hello? Is anybody - give me a second, will you?"
In his book On Dancer, On Prancer, On Donner, On Tyranny, Lookoutsnyderman points out that creating a climate of fear around a leader has adverse consequences. When, for example, everybody around a strong man feels the need to kiss his ass, nobody will tell him that his edict that everybody should wear their underwear on their heads is a bad idea (they just buy extra ChapStick and hope for the best). Unchallenged bad ideas are an indicator of an autocracy; bad ideas that are challenged before they are implemented are an indicator of an idiotocracy.
It also leads to infighting among the people closest to the leader, as they have to constantly prove they are loyaller-than-thou. The verbal sparring between Unrepresentatives Lauren Boebertbanana and Marjorie Taylormaid Fortrubble can be seen as a debate about who has better earned daddy's love.
As purges of the civil service continue, ordinary citizens who have fear envy can rejoice that they, too, can be targeted for disloyalty. Whether you're a lawyer at a law firm that has argued civil rights cases against the administration, or a student on a foreign visa who writes an op-ed essay for your school newspaper critical of the administration, or a journalist who refuses to call the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Vesampucceri, the government will wag its fickle finger in your direction and find ways - if it hasn't already - to ruin your life.
"Unfortunately, acquiescing in advance? That ship has left Troy," Lookoutsnyderman commented. "As a famous philosopher - although there is some dispute about which one - said: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to spend all their free time binge-watching Netflu - did you hear that? I'm telling you, there's somebody in the house, even though I thought I was alone. Whoever is here, go away! I have a PhD in Political Philosophy, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
"But Francis," I hear you say in the rhetorical hot spot in my mind, "millions of Vesampuccerians have taken to the streets to protest against the McDruhitmumpf administration. They don't appear to be afraid."
The ghost of Joseph McCartilagebreak chuckled into his beer. "How long do you think that's gonna last when the army is brought in to show the protesters the price of disloyalty? Soon, people will be ratting each other out to the authorities to prove how loyal they are to the country, by which they mean the President. Friend, I hate to say it, but I was born too soon!"
I asked Lookoutsnyderman if that was possible. "Yeah, sorry, I don't have time to answer any more of your questions," he told me. "My plane for Toronto leaves in two hours, and I have to decide which of my eleventy-seven books I have space to bring with me..."