Comedian No Laughing Matter [ARNS]

by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer

"I was on a Signal chat with my family the other night - oh, come on, people, you don't want just anybody listening in while your uncle Bert talks about the strange rash on the lower half of his body or your niece Jennifer goes on about her obsession with Rapidashes, either - it's a Pokemon thing; I had to have it explained to me, too. At least, I thought it was my family. Somebody on the chat said something about bombing Houthi rebels in Yemen, but I only half-paid attention to it - Uncle Remus has always had delusions of being National Security Adviser. It's harmless until he reenacts a bombing on the mashed potatoes. But then one person mentioned specific coordinates and another talked about a specific time, and I thought, We try to humour Uncle Remus, but this is going too far!" - comedian Stephen Colbertandcrackers, host of The Late Show Tonight

Plans for a military offensive were recently discussed over a commercial app called Signal2Noise. This is a break from Department of Offence policy, which requires all discussions of matters military to be conducted in a SCIP (Sensitive Compartmented Informational Place) to ensure -

"Break?" shrieked security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "Break‽ This isn't an arm or leg, people! This is a rent in the fabric of space/time! This is such a massive breach of security that it reaches across dimensions! This - this - this - arrrrrgh! Umm, give me a...a second, will you, to stop...hyperventiliating..."

"Ain't no big thing," countered Secretary of Offence Pete Hedaiggsethative. "Okay, we may have accidentally invited a comedian onto the call - it's not like we're nerds or anything! But we didn't give away any operational details or anything, so everybody chill."

"The Secretary of Offence said he didn't give away any operational details on the call. Time and place of the attack? It doesn't get much more operationy than that! If I had any more details about the operation, I could have flown the plane that dropped the bomb myself, and I'm afraid of heights!" - comedian Colbertandcrackers

"A comedian wasn't invited to our Signal2Noise chat," claimed President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's National Security Adviser Mike Waltzmetoendtime. "Okay, maybe a comedian was invited to our Signal2Noise chat, but it certainly wasn't by me. Well, okay, it may have been by me; I can't help it if his initials are shared with people I know! No, wait, I got a better - the comedian may have sat in on the call, but he wormed his way in somehow. I don't know how - it's not like I'm a nerd or anything! Yeah, that's it. The comedian hi teched his way into the call!"

"That's why you don't skip SCIPs!" Donneednopennance, banging his shoe on the desk in front of him (at least, I hope it was his shoe), roared. "China has a back door to Signal2Noise - which is exactly as painful as it sounds - and you better believe Fenwick...Fenwick...Fen... Sorry about that. My heart specialist has begged me to retire, but how can I when basic security protocols are so casually breached? There's only one thing for it: I need to find a new doctor!"

According to legal expert Joyce Onvancewarpedtur, using Signal2Noise is a way for the McDruhitmumpf administration to evade laws governing the maintenance of government records. "Signal2Noise chats disappear in a matter of days, sometimes hours. Poof. Gone. Faster than the magician in the box full of swords. Faster than your kids when it's time to do the dishes. Faster than your savings account under an economic regime of tariffs. Responsibility for making government policy decisions? Poof. Gone."

The scandal has been called Signal2Noisegate. Nobody knows why. Perhaps it has something to do with taking the lock off the door in the chain link fence around the country's most important security secrets and allowing enemies of Vesampucceri to enter. Maybe it's a reference to Claudius Gatacious, the least ept Roman Emperor in history. Who can tell, really?

"People need to cut the Department of Offence some slack. No, seriously. Secretary Hegseth has said that the people on the call weren't discussing 'battle plans,' they were discussing 'attack plans.' Completely different. Completely...almost entirely...sort of somewhat more innocent. And okay, sure, maybe I shouldn't have been on that call, but you know what? Government officials may have conducted as many as 20 official meetings through Signal2Noise, and there was only one on which somebody who has no clearance and should absolutely not have been there was there. Only one that we know of, in any case, but the point is if you were a baseball pitcher, you would kill for that kind of average! So, put on your mitt and support our government!" - comedian Colbertandcrackers

Donneednopennance wanted to comment so badly he was shaking up and down with enough energy to make me think he would blast off and reach escape velocity, but the comedian should always get the last word. Sorry, Malcolm.