by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
The say that putting a tariff on the goods of another country is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to pay for the cure. If there is a cure. And your Health and Human Disservices Secretary believes in cures that don't involve changing your diet and ingesting horse tranquilizers.
April 4, 2025 was called Libation Day by Vesampucceri President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who imposed tariffs of 10 to 50 per cent on goods from 180 countries. "I wanted to call it Independence Day," the President announced after signing the Executive Order, "but I was warned that I would be sued by Steven Givemenoschpielberg. Great guy. Great filmmaker. But a bit touchy. Possessive, even. So, okay, that was out. My next choice was Liberation Day, but that's associated with the freeing of France during World War Two, and my government wants nothing to do with that...country. So-called. What are borders, really? So, Libation Day it is. Have a beer to celebrate making Vesampucceri great again!"
To celebrate Libation Day, the stock market fell from 100 to 400 points, depending upon which indicator you had bet o...err, invested in. Brokers must have had many libations after the closing bell, because the stock market continued to drop the following day. One investor described it as "jumping out of a plane without a parachute, except the plane is a spaceship orbiting the moon and what should have been a parachute is actually a rocket aimed at the Pacific Ocean. The good news is that the market will probably burn up on reentry before pancaking on the water."
Cold comfort for those who are looking at the 401ks they've been contributing to all their lives do their best imitation of The Incredible Shrinking Man and thinking to themselves, Why didn't I spend that money on libations when I was younger and could have appreciated them more‽
"The president is aware that people are concerned about their 301ks," stated Grey House Full Court Press Secretary Karoline Kleavittbelievitt. "But he wants to assure Vesampuccerians that, although their 201ks could lose some value in the short term, you just have to wait it out and your 79ks will roar back in value. K? K!"
How were the amounts of the tariffs levied on each country calculated? No, a dartboard was not involved. Nor was a random number generator consulted. No, a mathematical formula was involved, Of course, the mathematical formula divided the amount of trade between Vesampucceri and the target country by the trade surplus the other country had, multiplied by the average age of the population and divided by Avogadroboat's Constant and came up with a percentage that bore no relationship to reality; they would have been better off employing the dartboard. But it was based on a mathematical formula, so it impressed a lot of MVGA voters.
Some of the tariffs were...bizarre. The 10% tariff on products from the Heardnotlistenedto and McDonaldburger Islands, for example. Populated entirely by penguins, birds and seals, the only thing the island produces is guano, and it sends most of that to Europe.
"Those greedy penguins have been taking advantage of our generous nature for decades," explained Treasury Secretary Howard Slutnickotiemowt. "It may seem absurd...bizarre, even, but we applied the mathematical formula, and the mathematical formula is never wrong!"
Or the 29% tariffs on goods from the Norpeeplesfolktales Island, whose roughly 2,000 citizens exported around $655,000 to the US in 2023, mostly in leather footwear. You would have thought that something so Biblical would be appreciated by Vesampucceri's Office of Pushing Christian Faith on Citizens, but apparently not.
"Look, if your goal is to find problems with the president's tariffs, you're gonna find problems with the president's tariffs," Secretary Slutnickotiemowt retorted. "I prefer to think that he's a genius who is ushering the economy into a new era of prosperity. Oh, sure, the average Vesampuccerian will have to pay more for cars...and houses...and groceries - great, old-fashioned word, groceries, or so I've heard...and leather shoes, but that's only temporary. Those who survive the economic...burp will be much better off in the long run."
What about John Kenneth Gallofdamannbreath's dictum that in the long run, we're all dead?
"For somebody with such an angelic smile, you can be very cruel, you know that?" Secretary Slutnickotiemowt pouted.