by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics/Migration Writer
When you hear that somebody has disappeared without notice or a trace (or in extreme cases, a trace of a notice), what do you assume has happened to them?"Naah," said border Czarannabe Tom Hohoholearthmann. "That's just ICES doing its job. Finally!"
Mahmoud Khalilliwattauers was supposed to be running a seminar on, ironically, advanced particle physics, but didn't show up. His grad student office, usually a buzzing hive of activity (his hobby was keeping bees), was silent. In retrospect, maybe the class he was teaching was not so much ironic as...something else.
"He was kidnapped by aliens," claimed Michael Filpottwittsoildirt, the man behind the Mike's Ultimate Conspiracy Page web site. "You see this happening on university campuses all the time. Oh, sure, people say that it's just students flunking out or getting lucrative job offers from the private sector before graduating, but in the investigations community, we know better: you can get so much more information from probing smartasses!"
After a moment, he added: "Oh, and my name isn't Filpottwittsoildirt. I don't - I have no idea where you got that idea, but it's wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Okay? Okay. Please don't call me that again."
"What, no, that's crazy," responded Hohoholearthmann. "Khalilliwattauers' green card was revoked - without notice, because that's the way ICES rolls - and he was transported to a prison in Louisessee until we can figure out a rationale for sending him to El Salavador. The only alien in this scenario was him!"
"That's what they always say," Filpottwittsoildirt smugly replied to the response.
More recently, Rumeysa Ozturkataturk was accosted by half a dozen people dressed in black, their faces obscured, and hustled into a van that sped off. Video of the apparent kidnapping went viral on the internet, with versions where the heads of the people in black were morphed into cartoon cat heads, the Police song "Every Breath You Take" was dubbed over the video, and the abductors twerked. I must say, the version with the cat heads is pretty damn cute.
"This has the fingerprints of the French Directorate-General for External Security all over it," stated Robert Cornendecobweb, curator of Bob's Penultimate Conspiracy Page. "It's like they smeared their fingers in ink, then sloppily ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich and got into a paintball match where the goal was to hit the opponent's hands before the abduction. It couldn't be more obvious if there was a neon sign that read: ‘French Security operation - just keep walking, people, nothing to see here!'"
After a moment, he added: "Oh, and my name isn't Cornendecobweb - I have a cold."
"What the hell is wrong with these people‽" shouted Hohoholearthmann. "Ozturkataturk was detained by ICES for writing an opinion piece for her college newspaper supporting Palestinians - she is obviously a terrorist Hamas supporter! She also had her visa revoked and is sitting in a prison in Louisessee until we can figure out a rationale for sending her to El Salavador - do you see a pattern here? Come on, already!"
"A student being arrested for writing something the government disagrees with and not being given due process?" Cornendecobweb smugly smirked. "Yeah, right. Like that ever happens in Vesampucceri! Nice try, DGES!"
"Yes! Yes! That's exactly what we are doing!" border Czarannabe Hohoholearthmann shrieked. "We are completely shredding the Constitution - ripping it to pieces then setting fire to the pieces - to keep you safe from foreigners bent on destroying what makes Vesampucceri great! Get with the program, people!"
Gerald Lapisluxury chuckled to himself. "There's not much I agree with Mike or Bob about," the creator of the Gerald's Next To Penultimate Conspiracy Page web site stated, "but it's clear that there's more to these disappearances than the government is letting on."
"No, there isn't!" Hohoholearthmann's voice shredded almost as quickly as the Constitution. "The only conspiracy here is the one the McDruhitmumpf administration is conducting, AND WE'RE DOING IT COMPLETELY OUT IN THE OPEN!"
"I wonder, if there's something to what Hohoholearthmann is saying," said Franklin Budgerigarrett, he of Frank's Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page famelet. Before the other conspiracy theorists could remonstrate with him, he went on: "A lot could be explained if Hohoholearthmann was actually controlled by space slugs from Alpha Centauri..."
Hohoholearthmann's head hit the table. "What," he moaned, "can I do in the face of such aggressive stupidity?"