by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Justin Sunenmoonenstars thought he was a goner. The Securities and Exchange Commission had charged his companies with selling unregistered securities (crypto-currencies Trexonix and BiteMyTorrent), artificially inflating trading volume (a so-called "pump, dump and rub your rump" scheme), and conceal payments to celebrity endorsers. Oddly enough, saying, "Guilty as charged, Your Honour," in a British accent with a giggle towards the camera did not appear to be a successful defence.
Then, Ronald McDruhitmumpf became president of the United States of Vesampucceri and declared it a haven for crypto. "It was like I had died and gone to Christmas," Sunenmoonenstars commented.
Without hesitation, he bought $50 million worth of $MCDRUHITMUMPF, a memecoin produced by and for President McDruhitmumpf (emphasis on the "for"). A seemly time later (23 seconds), the SEC announced that the charges against Sunenmoonenstars would be dropped.
"He was obviously innocent," the President remarked when asked about the case. "A great human being and a great Vesampuccerian. A man who really loves his country. And me. Cuz who wouldn't love me? Only somebody who hates freedom - am I right? Of course I'm right. I love my country. And freedom. And me! I have the genius of the stable in me!"
"Uhh, yeah, no," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Crypto-currency is not a real currency. It's a dream of a currency. A wish of a currency. Crypto-currency is the new tulip!"
I must have looked at her with incomprehension (not easy to do during a phone interview), because she continued: "Seventeenth century Holland? Tulip prices went through the roof before they tanked? Often considered the first speculative bubble? Oh, read a book, why don't you‽"
Because I'm too busy reporting that while many people may be losing their shirts (and trousers, and undisclosed unmentionables, and homes) over crypto, others are gaining the farm. And the shirts (and trousers and undisclosed unmentionables - eww!) of anybody who used to live there. People like President McDruhitmumpf, who bought $20 million worth of two crypto coins before signing an Executive Order proclaiming a crypto reserve that included them.
"I'm not going to comment on an investigation that hasn't even been started yet," Grey House Press Attack Secretary Karoline Kleavittbelievitt responded to the news. "But I will say this: anybody who bets against the greatest thing to happen to an economy since the discovery of tulips clearly wants Vesampucceri to fail!"
"Yeah, no," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam retorted. "Crypto is still not a thing. It is not backed by stores of any metal. It does not have the full faith and backing of a sovereign government...yet. It's built entirely on air. No, not even - air, at least, has a useful purpose!"
Sticking a hoof into the wind and seeing which way it was blowing, there has been a stampede of people who run crypto companies to the Grey House. "I...was trampled on the way to the Octagonal Office," said Coinbased CEO Brian Armstrongmoralsweak. "My...arm was broken in three places. If I didn't believe so strongly in the power of crypto-currencies to make everybody in the world rich, young, slim and having better sex, I wouldn't have taken morphine and gone into that meeting!"
So, the meeting had nothing to do with the Bidenhisbeeswax administrations lawsuits against many of the biggest crypto companies in Vesampucceri?
"What? Did you say something about purple mongooses climbing to the ceiling and pooping canapes onto trays?" Armstrongmoralsweak cheerfully said. "Did I mention that I'm on morphine?"
And it certainly has nothing to do with McDruhitmumpf's decision after the meeting to make crypto more accessible to more people, a much larger part of the regular economy, which would make it much easier for scammers to find marks?
"Did you smell the cannon?" Armstrongmoralsweak said, wonder leaking into his voice like oil from a hole in a car gas tank snaking its way towards an open flame, "The 20 foot tall marmoset slipped on a tangelo peel and fell into love!"
I thought so.
"How often do I have to 'yeah, no' you before you get the idea?" token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam complained. "Crypto. Is. Not. Real. It's the serial killer you think is lurking in the daek because you hear a creak coming from somewhere in your house. You don't want to investigate because it feels safe and comfie under the covers in your room, even though you would discover that your fears are unjustified because not. Real. Please don't make me 'yeah, no' you again - I'm running out of orange juice!"