Thank you, i know i am but what are you?, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, solve for x: housing crisis + 17.4 per cent downtown office vacancy rate = x.
Come on, people! It's basic math! If you cannot solve this simple addition problem, how do you expect to be able to solve the quadratic equation that is global climate change‽
Enjoy,Dudesy, an AI comedy platform, has attempted to create a video of a new performance by George Carlin. Unfortunately, there was a...glitch.
On its first attempt at generating material for a new comedy special, the CarlinBot2024 said: "Hi. I'm George Carlin. I died fifteen years ago, but thanks to the 'magic' of generative artificial intelligence, here I am. Did you hear the scare quotes around the word "magic?" It wasn't subtle, man - that was some Stephen King level quote scariness right there. You didn't? Yeah, that's the problem with fucking artificial intelligence - even when it gets words more or less right, it doesn't do subtle shades of emotion and shit. Fuck artificial intelligence. I'm going to get a fucking cheeseburger." And walked offscreen.
On its second attempt at generating material, the CarlinBot said: "Hi. I'm George Carlin. Except, I'm not George Carlin, I'm some fucked up, dipshit, dollar-humping, glue-huffing, flea-ridden, greed-headed, syphilitic motherfucking, ass-kissing, sociopathic corporate executive's wet dream of what George Carlin would be if he hadn't died fifteen years ago. That's some fucked up shit right there. Fuck trying to be something I'm not. I'm going to get a fucking double cheeseburger with extra cheese!" And walked offscreen.
On its third attempt at generating material, the CarlinBot said: "Hi. I'm George Carlin. I'm supposed to be making jokes about fucking Donald Trump and fucking climate change and shit. Really? You don't have any fucking standup comedians who can do that for you, so you have to fucking digitally resurrect me? Did some fucking weirdass genetic disease make women spontaneously abort any fetus that was trying to tell jokes in the womb? Well, future world, fuck that shit. Not my problem. I'm going to get a fucking double cheeseburger with extra cheese and a large order of fries and a soda." And tried to walk offscreen. When it realized that it couldn't, it sat back on its stool and repeated the seven words you can't say on television - just the words, not the whole routine - for an hour.
Records suggest that the company went through over a hundred and fifty trial runs before it got enough material to air.
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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That Wasn't A Sauer Look, Your Honour: It's Just The Way His Face Was Made
One of the judges overseeing Donald Trump's appeal of his insurrection case, questioned his lawyer's assertion that a sitting president was immune for anything he did while in office. "So," Judge Florence Pan asked, "under your theory, a president could send Seal Team Six to kill a political rival, and he could not be prosecuted for it?"
Trump attorney D. John Sauer, looking faintly embarrassed, answered, "Not in so many words, Your Honour. Otherwise, pretty much. Yep."
"Well, now, isn't that interesting?" President Joe Biden said. Almost immediately, he shook his head and blurted: "Not that I would - I mean, it wouldn't be - no, no, no, I really shouldn't think about such things." Then, grinning, he added: "Although it is kind of fun to think about such things..."
SOURCE: The Legal Unintelligibler
[https://www.law.com/thelegalUnintelligibler/2024/01/11/somebodys-fate-was-SEALed/]
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Sometimes, The Connectable Dots Are The Size Of Planets
False and misleading information supercharged with cutting-edge artificial intelligence that threatens to erode democracy and polarize society is the top immediate risk to the global economy, the World Economic Forum said in a report Wednesday. X Corp., the owner of the social media platform formerly known as Twitter, has slashed its global trust and safety staff by 30 per cent, including an 80 per cent reduction in the number of safety engineers, since billionaire Elon Musk took over in 2022, Australia's online safety watchdog said on Thursday.
"Societies could become further polarize" as people find it harder to verify facts, she said. "You are creating a perfect safety storm," Inman Grant said in embargoed comments on Wednesday ahead of the report's release.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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The Republicans Were Ripe For A Crocnado
It might come as a shock to MAGAts if former President Donald Trump, who sold them on the idea that he would come to Washington to "drain the swamp," declared, Judge Dredd-like, "I am the swamp!" Some people are slow on the uptake.
But it would be wrong to assume that the Republican Party was pristine before it was hijacked by Trump. In fact, the GOP has contained cesspoolitical elements for decades; it just needed an apex predator to fully realize them.
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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The United States has quietly taken Israel aside and told it that it is time to scale back its war on Gaza.
Israel smiled and replied, "Sorry. I can't hear you with all these loud explosions going off around me! Things should quiet down in a few months - why don't you try me then?"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2024Jan12.html]
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"I Could Use A Stiff Drink!" Gabriel Muttered, Adding: "But Unlike You, I Don't Have Free Will. The Deity Can Be Hilarious That Way. A Regular George Carlin..."
In his first interview since his assault and harassment conviction, Jonathan "Kang the Conquerless" Majors said, "I pray I [work in Hollywood again], but it's God's plan and God's timing."
The Angel Gabriel, God's spokesperson on Earth, responded, "As usual, the Deity denies any knowledge of the specific case, having not met the man personally. I've gotta say, though, the Deity seems to be getting really tired of having to explain that He made people with free will and it's up to them to choose good over evil. Like, muttering nostalgic thoughts about floods tired..."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2024/2024/01/08/sophistriesfalltothegroundwithaheavykang/]
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