The Daily Me - Kerry Aoki

Thank you, Kerry Aoki, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, because the end of the year tends to be light on news, we started composing a list of our top ten hilariously cringe-worthy moments of 2023. Yes, we will admit that we were expecting many of them to have occurred on TwitterX. Before we even started, we got news that Maine had become the second state to decide not to allow Donald Trump on the Presidential ballot because of his insurrectionist behaviour. Okay. We took a few moments to process this, then went back to our top ten list of the year. We were only on the second item (Elon Musk made is sooooooo hard to choose!) when the death toll in Gaza hit 30,000. Not hilarious. Not cringe-worthy. News. Actual news. At this time of year! It took us a couple of minutes to process this, but we were determined to finish our list. So, we set ourselves in front of our computer and - Special Prosecutor Jack Smith continued submitting motions to courts to, you know, oppose former president Trump's immunity claims and shit like that. Court motions! At the end of December!

Gord dammit! How are we supposed to make an end of year list when news keeps happening‽

Could We Settle On It's a Wonderful Grievance?

When political pundits talk about conditions during the holidays, they always reach for metaphors from A Christmas Carol. Why do they never refer to The Santa Claus?

I'll tell you why. Because libtard Communist columnists have totally bought into the Hollywood narrative that Tim Allen's career must be destroyed because he's a Trump-supporting Republican!!! It's not bad enough that they want to cancel his movies from being seen, but they can't even bear saying his name in print!!!!!

In the spirit of Christmas, I can't wait for Donald Trump to become President again so he can have them all thrown in jail!!!!!!! That will show them the true meaning of Christmas!!!!!!!!!

SOURCE: Frank's Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page

[http://www.ignorefrankatyourperil.com/conspiracy2307.html]
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Mom Always Loved The Brothers Equally (But For Comedy, That Wasn't The Best)

Following a battle with cancer, the Yoyo Man has spun his last Eiffel Tower at the age of 86.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Good To Know Fame Hasn't Changed Him

An orange tabby named Taters made history by being the star of the first video transmitted by laser from deep space.

Taters lazily knocked a beaker off a table, not even watching to see what happened to it. Then, the cat thoughtfully licked its private parts.

When we caught up with the tabby and asked it how it felt to be the famous performer in a video that travelled 30 million kilometres to reach an audience, Taters looked at us like we were something it had to lick off its privates. "Do you have treats?" a spokesperson for the cat asked. "Taters doesn't get excited for anything less than shrimp and tuna. And not those canned treats, either. If you want a reaction out of Taters, you have to offer him a tube treat!"

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/231228/geeklynews/01tatersnogtotehahaha.htm]
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Mmm...Does That Mean The Pope Can't Burst Into Flames?

SOURCE: Religion For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=582&dir=bb]
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If Even Headlines Are At War With Each Other...

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1236123038]
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When It Comes To Holiday Cheer, Remember: Your Enthusiasm May Increase The More Alcohol You Drink, But The Words Will Eventually Start To Elude You

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Russian City Known For Its Unusual Fish In The Shape Of A Musical Instrument

After three weeks of searching, Alexei Navalny, serving a 19 year sentence for "aggravated naughtiness" and "political activism...with intent," has been found in a prison colony above the Arctic Circle. His new residence, in the town of Kharp, is 1,900 kilometres northeast of Moscow.

"I hope he enjoys his time cleaning up after reindeer and talking to Santa Claus," Russian President for Life...And Beyond! Vladimir Putin laughed. But his face soon darkened, and he muttered, "Wait. Santa Claus - he can grant wishes, can he not? That is not - that would be bad for - I...I may have to rethink this..."

SOURCE: Demi-TASS

[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744366]
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If He Changes His Name To Thou, His Evangelical Conversion Will Be Complete

Thee, the rapper formerly known as Ye (after he was known as Kanye), apologized to the Jewish community in an Instagram post written in Hebrew. In a subsequent press conference, he said, "Yeah, making insinuations about Jewish influence was not meant to...umm..."

The knee of his right leg started bouncing up and down impatiently.

"Not meant to offend or demean anybody," Thee gamely continued as the knee's bouncing intensified. "I mean, comparing myself to Hitler - I deeply regret any pain that might have - might have - umm..."

Thee's shoulders started shaking. "Yeah. Sorry. Gotta go!" he jumped up and ran out of the room.

A spokesperson for the musician explained that he was so excited to make things right with the Jewish community that he couldn't contain himself, and that they should ignore any racially insensitive profanity they might hear coming from the hallway.

SOURCE: LotsMusic

[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=12/22/2023.htm#1]
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