Dictator for a Day

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

STEVE BANNON sits behind the President's desk as STEPHEN MILLER pours a drink from a bottle of whisky he pulled out of the bottom drawer.

MILLER
I don't think you should be sitting there.

BANNON
I don't think you should be drinking that.

MILLER
The boss won't like it if he comes in and finds you sitting in his chair.

BANNON
What, Old Orangesides? The Big Bucket o' Pumpkin Guts? The -

MILLER
Our Meal Ticket.

BANNON
Don't worry about -
          (jumps at the noise)
Do you have to do that?

MILLER
          (shrugs)
You either believe in decisiveness or you don't.

BANNON
Yeah, well, don't sweat it. I know how to handle the Orange Ignoram -

One of the doors open and PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP and VICE PRESIDENT VIVEK RAMASWAMY manfully stride into the room.

RAMASWAMY
...and that's why, if you want to save the country, you have to terminate Big Bird with extreme prejudice!

TRUMP
I never realized the never-Trumpers were so deeply embedded in children's medi -
          (notices Bannon, roars)
What are you doing in my chair‽

BANNON
          (smooth)
Just keeping it warm for you, Mister President. You know how you don't like to sit your tush down on a cold chair.

TRUMP
It's bad for my poll numbers in Iowa. Not to mention my sciatica.

Bannon rises as Trump strides over to the desk. On the way to his chair, he grabs the drink out of Miller's hand. Miller scowls, which Trump doesn't notice.

TRUMP (CONTINUING)
Thanks, Little Stevey. I need this!

Trump phlumps heavily into his seat and downs the contents of the glass, spilling a little on his chin. The other men in the room give him their complete attention, their faces masks.

MILLER
How was your meeting with the Joint Chiefs?

TRUMP
Boring and stupid. Like always. Stupid and boring.

BANNON
Did you have fun colouring with the crayons, at least?

TRUMP
          (roars)
I didn't colour with crayons!
          (pause, mutters)
They gave me coloured markers this time. I like them better.
          (pause)
They make a finer line. Not so crumbly.

BANNON
Of course.

TRUMP
Blah blah blah. We don't wanna leave NATO. We can't leave Ukraine high and dry. Wah wah wah. Bunch of crybabies. A couple of courtmartials for treason and executions should get them to stop whining!

MILLER
Sir, about the detention camps -

TRUMP
You can't have any more money for them. Why haven't all the vermin been sent back to where they came from?

MILLER
Actually, I was hoping you would cut the budget for the camps.

TRUMP
Nope. Sorry. Gotta pay for my next round of tax cuts. You can't have any more -
          (does a double take)
Whaaaaaaat‽

MILLER
I'm worried the illegals are getting too comfortable with their single meal a day and twelve people to a room. If we don't make their detention hurt, they'll just come back after we deport them. Or, worse: they'll come back with friends.

TRUMP
You really want less money for the detention camps?

MILLER
What can I say? I'm a hopeless optimist.

Bannon rolls his eyes.

BANNON
Mister President, if we -

TRUMP
How are the persecutions of the Biden crime family going, Smart Stevey?

BANNON
The prosecutions are going -

Trump points at Bannon but turns his head towards Miller, laughing.

TRUMP
Jeez, will ya look at this guy? I know the difference, okay? I just love the look on your face!

BANNON
Sir, if we could just talk about the Department of Justice...

TRUMP
What about it?

BANNON
There's an assistant deputy district attorney in one of the districts that insists we don't have enough evidence of a crime to bring former President Bi -

Trump hisses.

BANNON (CONTINUING)
She is saying we can't charge former President Bi -

Trump hisses. Bannon looks perplexed for a moment, then continues.

BANNON (CONTINUING)
She is saying we can't charge...the former President with a crime because there is no evidence he committed one.

TRUMP
          (smirks)
Tell her to announce an investigation and the Republicans will do the rest.

BANNON
Yes, sir.

RAMASWAMY
Don, if we could talk for a moment about shutting down MSNBC...

Trump waves a dismissive hand.

TRUMP
I'm tired, Little Motormouth Brownie. Let's talk about it after I've had my nap, okay?

RAMASWAMY
Tired? But sir, it's only ten twenty in the morni -

TRUMP
          (harsh)
Are you questioning my nap time?

RAMASWAMY
Oh! No! Sir! I would never - I mean, it's not - I mean -

TRUMP
Good. Because I hear Nikki Haley is looking for a job...

RAMASWAMY
          (miserable)
It can wait until later.

TRUMP
          (smiling)
Good.
          (stretches and yawns)
I love being dictator for a day!

BANNON
But Mister President, you were elected six months ago.

TRUMP
What can I say? It's been a loooooooooong day!

FADE TO BLACK