Thank you, Lev Lewandowski and the Insurrectionists, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were hungry for some tasty, bready goodness, so we went to a local What a Bagel! When we asked the person behind the counter for a poppy seed with a schmear, the person looked blankly at us and asked, "What? A bagel?"
We learned a valuable lesson about intonation that day.
Enjoy,You Know, It's A Tough Choice, But I Actually Think I WOULD Prefer To Hear About The Revolutionary Activities Of The Personal Finance Division
...but you don't want to hear about how the Personal Finance Division is revolutionizing reverse mortgages! (At least, not if you're not a member of the Personal Finance Division - sorry, Phil!) The talk around the water cooler is how much longer we're going to have to wait to find our what the next office pool is going to be.
Rejoice! Just in time for the holidays, we have a bouncing baby office pool!
This time, the question will be: how many Palestinian deaths will take place before Israel blames them on Egypt for not allowing the surviving Palestinians into the country? As of this writing, there have been between 20,000 and 25,000 Palestinian death - so, if you guess below that number, you're just throwing your money away. Oh, and could you please avoid round numbers ending in 0 or 5? Not only is that likely to result in duplicate entries, but it's just lazy.
Of course, if Israel stops blaming Hamas, Egypt or sunspots for its obliteration of Gaza, the pool will be cancelled and all money will be refunded. But I'm confident that that will never happen, so feel free to enter as soon as you can!
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/December2023.txt]
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On Time And Under Budget? That'll Be The Bombardier!
Canadian aerospace manufacturer Bombardier has announced that it will not oppose a government decision to award a contract to replace aging military planes to American company Boeing.
"They can deliver their planes only five years late rather than twelve, and they will only be seventy-six per cent above budget rather than a hundred and eleven per cent," a Bombardier spokesperson complained. "How are we supposed to compete with that‽"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd1-f6f3-4f4f-9f38-a2eb4cc6a027]
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I Would Agree, If The Holiday Was Halloween
10pmPro-Palestinian protesters threaten to destroy Christmas by picketing shopping malls two days before the celebration of the birth of Christ. Can anybody stop them? Yes! Armed with only their testosterone-fuelled rage and the mistaken impression that they can citizen's arrest anybody they disagree with, members of the Jewish Defence League Israel, Now! take sides on the latest front in the war against Christmas!
The Jews Who Saved Christmas is the heart-warming tale of members of one religious group pretending to protect the sacred holiday of another religious group in order to distract from its persecution of a third religious group. This is sure to become a holiday classic!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Wiggle Like A Go-go Dancer, Or Wiggle Like A Worm On A Hook?
The Colorado Supreme Court has ruled that former President Donald Trump should be removed from the ballot for the 2024 state primary. The ears of other states perked up, and they said, "You can do that? Oh, this should be interesting!"
The court cited Section 3 of the 14th amendment to the Constitution, which reads: "If you take an oath of office swearing to uphold the Constitution, then you give aid and comfort to an insurrection - that's a no no. Seriously, don't do it. Absolutely, definitely under no circumstances swear an oath of office to uphold the Constitution, then give aid and comfort to an insurrection! If you do, you can be barred from running for office. Like, ever. Like, this is serious, yo. Whatever else you do, do not do this!"
"Of course the President is going to appeal," Trump campaign spokesperson Steven Cheung responded to the verdict. "There's a lot of wiggle room in the Constitution..."
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Every Corrupt Deal With A Private Company Is A Learning Opportunity...
The Toronto District School Board claimed it was an accident that hundreds of racialized, LGBTQ and disabled students were excluded from a lottery that was meant to prioritize them for spaces in alternative elementary schools.
TDSB: We're very sorry for the mix-up. The third-party vendor who created the software for the lottery is responsible for the problem, and we are currently considering remedies for it.
PowerSchool Canada: (whispers silkily)We know where you live.
TDSB: Did we - hunh - did we say that the third-party vendor was responsible for the problem? Ha ha. No. But seriously, the problem happened because of our lack of adequate oversight. We are the only ones to blame for the problem, forever and ever, amen.
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v10/i13/36a02601.htm]
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Outside the courtroom where Rudy Guiliani was ordered to pay election workers Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss $148M, the former Mayor of New York and America's Sweetheart repeated the defamatory statements that got him into trouble in the first place.
Outside the courtroom where Guiliani was ordered to pay an additional $51M to Freeman and Moss for defaming them outside the courtroom where the original decision against him had been rendered, Guiliani once again repeated his defamations.
Outside the courtroom where Guiliani was ordered to pay $37M more to Freeman and Moss for defaming outside the courtroom where he was ordered to pay them $51M for defaming them outside the courtroom where the original decision against him had been rendered, the former lawyer for Donald Trump sighed and said, "I was advised that doubling down on my statements was a winning strategy. Well, the winning can start any time, now. Okay? You hear me, winning? Whenever you're ready! Uhh...in the meantime, let me tell you one or two things, about Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman...
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1127749630265754.xml]
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I went to Erez and saw the 2.5 mile Hamas tunnel near the crossing; Hezbollah would be envious. The amounts of cement, steel, metal, wiring, pipes, wood, boggle the mind. All this could have been used above ground to build impoverished Gaza. But Hamas cares little for its public.
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/isreal-for-real/]
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