Thank you, Monty Crisco Doesn't Count!, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were asked if we wanted to sip a Doritos nacho chip. Our first thought was, Sure. Just about as much as we would like to bathe in pig's kneecaps. Ha ha ha. Except, they weren't kidding. There really is a new alcoholic beverage that tastes like cheese. Our second thought was, It couldn't be any worse than Bear Whiz Beer. At least there isn't much demand for pigs' kneecaps, so they'll be cheap...
Enjoy,Your Facts May Vary
Can a newspaper ad stop the war in the Middle East?
No. But it can poke liberals in the eye with half-truths, misrepresentations and absurd arguments.
Here are just a few:
1. Hamas is evil. This is not an opinion, it is a fact. They kill innocent civilians. Well, yes, certainly, the Israeli Defence Force has killed innocent civilians. Thousands of them. But they didn't intend to. Okay, this is not a fact, it is an opinion. But, obviously - we mean - you know - shut up, you anti-Semite!
2. Hamas steals humanitarian aid before it gets to the Palestinian people. The best thing Israel can do for the Palestinian people is to deny them all but the smallest trickle of humanitarian aid. Once Hamas is eliminated, the Palestinians will thank Israel for setting them free. Well, those who survive the famine and water-borne diseases.
3. There are no innocents in Gaza: everybody there is a supporter of Hamas. Even the hostages. That makes them all legitimate military targets. So, could people who accuse Israel of war crimes please stop now? We said please. Our next step is to invade your newspaper offices.
4. Not only does Hamas use Palestinian civilians (of which there are none - see the previous point) as human shields, but it has hypnotized Israeli Defence Forces personnel into bombing hospitals and shooting civilians (none - previous). We're not gonna kid you: LSD in Israel's drinking water may be involved.
5. The leaders of Hamas are actually living high off the (very unkosher) hog in Qatar, having stolen billions of dollars from their own people. They should be - what? How can we eradicate Hamas by attacking Gaza when their leaders don't even live there? It's because - well, the reason is obviously... we mean - you know - stop being such an anti-Semite!
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-0389627387647153cahs01.html]
more
Finally, Somebody Is Thinking About The Long Term!
Toronto city council is considering renaming Etobicoke's Centennial Park after late mayor Rob Ford. Apparently, they want a city landmark that citizens will protest the name of a hundred years from now.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=417267]
more
As Jesus Truly Advised, Love The Criminal, Be Indifferent To The Crime
Donald Trump allies Steve Bannon and Corey Lewandowski are urging Christian Ziegler, chair of the Florida GOP, to not resign from his office despite credible rape allegations against him. They have repeatedly told him that he would be "a MAGA hero" if he stayed on in his position.
The evangelical Christians who make up a large part of the Trump base cheered and shouted, "Damn straight! Never back down! Never surrender!" Then, they thought for a moment and, more confused than anything, continued: "Wait. What are we cheering for?"
SOURCE: Religion For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=579&dir=bb]
more
Everybody Has Such Low Affect, It Feels Like A World Full Of Mes!
You know what I love about Wes Anderson films? Everybody talks like they're in a Wes Anderson film. Everybody. Dramatic actors. Comic actors. Method actors. Instinctual actors. Actors with decades of experience. Actors making their debuts. Everybody. It's like all the food on the crafts table is laced with Valium.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0149326/]
more
Just Being Terribly Confused About What Is Truth Has Not Been Argued Before The Supreme Court Yet
Rudy Giuliani has been ordered to pay Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman $158 million for accusing them of election fraud without providing any evidence. This has reinforced an important aspect of the American judicial system.
The truth is a defence against a defamation charge.
Claiming to believe that a lie is the truth not so much.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2023Dec15.html]
more
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more
Good Thing World Leaders Don't Pay Much Attention To Canada, Or You'd Hear That Line Repeated Everywhere
A Canadian Security Intelligence Service analysis warns that global climate change poses many risks for the country. In the North, for instance, melting sea ice could open the region to more maritime travel, which would challenge Canada's sovereignty over the region.
The ghost of Sir John Franklin shakes his head in sadness and comments, "I wasn't an incompetent leader - I was just ahead of my time..."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20231214.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsOops2023/]
more
As part of her guilty plea in the Georgia election interference case, lawyer Sydney Powell wrote: "I apologize for my actions in connection with the events of Coffee County." There was no admission that Joe Biden was the legitimately elected president of the United States, nor was there mention in the apology of a broader conspiracy to steal the election for Donald Trump.
Grade school children around the country were in awe of the apology.
"I apologize for my actions in connection with the fire in the chem lab," said 13 year-old Trinidad Fungoid. "I apologize for my actions in connection with the pulling of the fire alarm to get out of an exam. I apologize for my actions in connection with the pulling of Sara Feyerstain's hair. This. Is. Amazing! I wish I had learned how to apologize like this when I was four!"
"You can get away with that?" asked 12 year-old Miranda Boppity. "When Mister Blushy caught me cheating on a math exam, I tried to apologize for what happened in classroom 27C. I got detention for a month and my parents were called in to the principle's office to have a conference. Man, it must be great to be an adult!"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2023/ALLPOLITICS/12/15/reps.main/index.html]
more