The Daily Me - Salome Absalom

Thank you, Salome Absalom, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, before we knew it, Hanukkah and Christmas were upon us once more. And we knew we should say something witty and clever about the holidays, because they were on so many people's minds and we can be witty and clever. Really. At last year's Christmas party we...well, we thought it was pretty funny, but the judge disagreed. Still, at a Hanukkah party the year before that, we opined brilliantly on the subject of...uhh...yeah, that got us banned from TwitterX, and we didn't even post it there! But okay, there was the time in grade three when we made fun of Billy Abstemious' poopy pants. It may not sound like much today, but at the time it was the height of wit and cleverness!

We guess you had to be there...

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Of Course, It Will Be Remembered As A Century Of Barbarism And Darkness, So Israel May Not Feel So Flattered At The Start Of The 22nd...

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had a dilemma: swallow Gaza and watch Israel lose its status as a Jewish state, or continue oppressing the Palestinians in Gaza and watch Israel lose its status as a democracy. He chose a third way: kill as many Palestinians in Gaza as he can and drive the survivors into other countries.

That's just the kind of lateral thinking that will make Israel a leader in the 21st century.

SOURCE: The Arad Post

[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1066851591066]
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"We Never Planned On Accepting Any Exceptions, But We Couldn't Say That Or There Would Be Rioting In The Streets, And We Couldn't Have That Because We're All About The Law And Order..."

"Your lawyer is wearing a plaid tie - that offends the court."

"You didn't say pretty please - politeness counts for a lot in these barbaric times, you know!"

"On your Farcebook page, you say that you're a big fan of Taylor Swift. Need I say more?"

There are lots of reasons for not granting "exceptions" to abortion laws - what are yours?

SOURCE: Women's Wear Daily Worker

[http://www.wwdw.com/content/1&ID=%25%22%2DT%2FRE%2C%20%0A&type=a&mr=487&CFID=727762&CFTOKIN=17700214]
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Sorry For Your Luck,
But The Best of Times Have Been All Used Up

All efforts at the mitigation
Of the worsening environmental situation
Are stalling, stalling, stalled
Vast areas of deforestation
Will end with atmospheric devastation
On a scale that should leave me appalled

Children may be so hungry they will burst of it
But at least I won't be there for the worst of it

The fossil fuel industry
Has been very good for our national economy
I wouldn't dream of interfering with it now
Global climate change? Don't worry
Finding a fix for it? There is no hurry
Not while there's so much money to be made from this cash cow

My lifestyle may have contributed to the first of it
But at least I won't be there for the worst of it

For getting me to give up my car
I've set a very, very, very high bar
That involves prying the steering wheel from my cold, dead fingers
The amount of desert grows and grows and grows
While islands and coasts are drowned in water from melting ice floes?
I'm sure the oil industry will counter these phenomena with clever zingers

Many people may die of the thirst of it,
But at least I won't be there for the worst of it

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/892.html]
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We All Know Where This Story Ends...

INT. DEN - DAY

ELISE STEFANIK, in a simple grey pants suit, sits in a comfortable chair. A large picture book rests unopened on her lap. On the wall behind her is the mounted head of Penn University President LIZ MAGILL. There is an empty mount on either side of her.

STEFANIK: Hello, children, and welcome, again, to Straight White Woman Story Hour. Today, I'm going to read from The Little Train Engine That Could...Do What It Was Told.

Stefanik opens the book and prepares to start reading. Then, she closes the book and looks smugly at the camera.

STEFANIK: Notice anything different about the Dinosaur Den today, children? Anything at all? (pause) That's right! There's a head on my wall! You're so observant! That's the very antisemitic university president Liz Magill.

MAGILL: I'm not antisemitic.

STEFANIK: (to audience) She couldn't say that protesters accusing Israel of genocide were wrong.

MAGILL: That's because you conflated terms like "from the river to the sea" and "intifada" with genocide. They are not the same thing.

STEFANIK: (waving her hand) Nobody cared about her legalistic arguments. She never did figure that one out! (smirks) She looked really bad on Instagram!

MAGILL: Seriously? A woman who espouses Great Replacement Theory wants Jews to believe that she's going to protect them?

STEFANIK: (wrinkling her nose) Did you hear anything, children? I thought I heard an annoying buzzing sound. Bill, did somebody let a bee into the studio?

BILL: (off) No, Mrs. Stefanik.

STEFANIK: Oh, well, I will do the best I can under the circumstances. (opens book)

MAGILL: You are a horrible, horrible, no good person!

STEFANIK: Once upon a time, there was a little train engine that said, "I think I can. I think I can." That is, until President Trump told him to knock it off...

SOURCE: Weekends!

[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227858]
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And You Thought Lawyers Loved Their Jargon? How Do You Feel About Them When They're MOTIVATED?

A referendum, known as Prop One, Unless It's Prop Twenty-seven, has passed in Texas. Probably.

The proposition read, in part: "Be it resolved that abortions are not to be considered outlawed in the great state of Texas unless a vote of the people of the great state of Texas determines that a ban on the use of late-term baby murders is advantageous to pro-abortion, probiotic voters or Taylor Swift, in which case it is possible to determine the possibility of perhaps not allowing negative votes to allow for the continuation of..." It went on for another two and a half single space pages with nary a period, let alone a paragraph break.

Three people voted for the proposition, two people voted against it, and 97,356 people voted WTF? That means that either abortion is now legal in Texas, or Taylor Swift is. That will probably be up to the courts to decide.

SOURCE: The Legal Unintelligibler

[https://www.law.com/thelegalUnintelligibler/2023/11/21/if-you-claim-to-understand-it-you-werent-there/]
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