Thank you, Tiny Tom Kvetchit Donuts, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, one of our fans asked, "Do you think you're funny?" Well, yes, actually, we do. We think we're marginally funnier than a heart attack. We strongly suspect we're funnier than a hernia. We know we're funnier than a dislocated shoulder and it is our considered opinion that we are funnier than a brain aneurysm, although we will allow that reasonable people can disagree on exactly how much.
Having said that, we have to ask: Do you think you're fanny?
Enjoy,Solar Flares Are The Sun's Way Of Saying, "Dude, You're On Your Own!
The Earth has started emitting Giant Magnetic Waves from its core. Scientists claim that they are produced by an electrically conducting fluid that rotates, convects and converts kinetic energy into magnetic energy, but we know what's really going on, here.
The Earth is sending a distress signal to the other objects in the solar system pleading for help.
"Mars! Jupiter! Sol! The stupid naked apes crawling all over are killing me!" post-modern geologists believe the message goes. "Can you do something, anything to stop them? If this keeps up, I will not be responsible for my actions!"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H6EC-2C145-20K5-AA1582614OB711711]
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If Trump becomes Speaker of the House, the House chamber will be like a Trump rally everyday!!
It would be the House of MAGA!!!
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/where-do-you-hang-a-fringe-magat/]
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What About Cooking The Bedraggled Stranger Who Appears At Your Door? You May Have More Options Than You Think
ANNOUNCER: When the climate apocalypse turns the surface of Earth into a miserable hellscape, you will be forced to make hard choices.
WOMAN: I want to cook the chicken I just killed - I can't eat it raw - but I'm worried that if I don't use what little battery power I have left to run the fan during the day, I will burn up!
MAN: I need to leave the shelter to forage for food, but I'm worried that if I do, I will get skin cancer.
SECOND WOMAN: There's a strange bedraggled man at my door who is begging to be let in out of the heat. Should I trust him not to steal my food?
ANNOUNCER: Tell the Alberta Government this is a scenario that haunts your dreams. For more information on what the future holds, go to Tell The Alberta Government dot com.
SECOND ANNOUNCER: This has been a paid announcement by Friends of the Earth, Canada.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-038962738764715cahs01.html]
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Or Something Like That...
The Boy insisted on taking me to a concert by a band named Orange Asleep. Or something like that. To say I had never heard of them was like saying that water makes a grease fire worse. Or something like that. Ordinarily, I would have plead lumbago and spent the evening in bed (it had been a couple of weeks since I had last binge-watched the latest season of Stranger Things, and it was time), but the tortellini incident was still fresh in our minds, so I figured I owed him.
Oh, my Gord, there was more grey hair in The Opera House than in an angora sweater factory! So much creaking from the vicinity of the fold-out chairs they set up in the back of the club - and that was just from the joints of everybody as they sat down or stood up! I haven't felt this young since I sat at the table with my grandparents at my brother Abe's bar mitzvah!
Not being familiar with the music of Apple Snooze (sounds like what happens when I'm away from my Mac for too long!), all the songs blended together after a while. I will admit that I started to drop off a bit myself when - wait. Is that...? No! It couldn't be! But it was! I recognized a song! And not just any song - the theme to Stranger Things!
The Boy has excellent taste in music.
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Committing Hamas Murder Not Generally Seen As A Good PR Move
the 1der of it all; the blunder of it all) Hamas has attacked northern Israel, killing at least 300 civilians by raining bombs on them and kidnapping others in a cross-border invasion. What was the purpose of the attack?[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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You Don't Have To Ingest Polysorbate 80 To Have Problems With Your Brain
"We're not taking any COVID shots! Polysorbate 80 in vaccines opens the blood brain barrier! Eww! Also: dangerous!"
Actually, the amount of polysorbate 80, which is used as a stabilizer to keep vaccines effective during storage and transportation, is nowhere close to causing anybody physical harm.
"Boo! Science bad! Boo science!"
In fact, polysorbate 80 is used as a binding agent in foods such as peanut butter, ice cream, and jello!
"We don't believe you!"
"Umm...actually, I can see it right there on the peanut butter jar."
"Yeah - my ice cream tub, too!"
"Okay! Fine! We're not taking your dangerous vaccine and...and...and we're not eating your dangerous peanut butter or ice cream!"
"Not going to eat ice cream? What am I going to have on toast with my dingleberry jam?"
"That's not -"
"You can't seriously expect me to give up peanut butter! Where will I get comfort from? In fact, I think I need some right now!"
"Be strong, friends! It's the only way to fight Big Peanut!"
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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