The fashion article that holds up the Jolly Green Giant's pants.
Naah. Everybody knows the Jolly Green Giant doesn't wear pants.
3. Thanks for that image. So. Greenbelt. Any ideas? Any at all?
Alcohol people drink on St. Patrick's Day?
4. You could do this all day, couldn't you?
What can I say? I wear my Cap with pride.
5. Alright, let's take it as given that the Greenbelt is two million acres of land in Ontario that contains much of the province's best farmland, as well as environmentally important wetlands and woodlands. Why is it in the news?
Because the Greenbelt robbed a bank and held hostages for 72 hours.
6. How does that even make sense?
The snowy egret put the Greenbelt up to it.
7. Isn't it true that the province has given 74,000 acres of land in the Greenbelt to developers, land that could be worth as much as $8.8 billion to them?
Sure. But in the province's defence, the snowy egret isn't as cute as you might think.
8. Did Premier Doug Ford or relevant cabinet ministers consult land-use experts or environmentalists before deciding on this policy?
No. They consulted their butts.
Don't sound so surprised. The butts of politicians are vast repositories of...wisdom. Or something that feels like wisdom when you want to sit down.
10. Did the Premier or relevant cabinet ministers consult any complete humans?
Weeelllll...do dinners with land developers count as consultations?
11. If you squint. Hard. Like so hard that it feels like closing your eyes entirely.
Then Ryan Amato, chief of staff to Municipal Affairs and Housing Minister Steve Clark, "consulted" at a $250-a-plate Building Industry and Land Development (BILD) Association's Chair's Dinner. He consulted the shit out of the dinner. There was so much consultationing going on that developers who were there were given 92% of the land.
12. I'm not sure that meeting with industry lobbyists constitutes consulting...
So, how would you feel about Amato consulting people at the dinner by accepting envelopes recommending which areas to remove from the Greenbelt?
13. Sick to my stomach. Like, eating a tin of rotten peaches sick.
Probably just as well Amato never opened and read them, then.
14. Un hunh. During the 2016 Conservative leadership convention, didn't Premier Doug Ford say, "The people have spoken. I'm going to listen to them. They don't want me to touch the Greenbelt. We won't touch the Greenbelt. Simple as that."
No.
Oh. You meant that 2016 Conservative leadership convention. I thought you were talking about the...uhh...the other Conservative leadership convention. Held in 2016. He lied. Simple as that.
16. How does the provincial government justify going back on the Premier's promise not to touch the Greenbelt?
Premier Ford has argued that opening up the Greenbelt was necessary to create enough housing to keep his promise of creating 1.5 million new houses in the next decade.
17. What about experts who say that land is already available in existing cities?
Experts? Pfft! What do they know? They tend to have really skinny butts.
18. What about the province's claim that this is just a land swap, that 9,400 acres will be added to the Greenbelt at the same time as the 7,400 acres will be removed?
7,000 of those 9,400 acres are already protected lands. So, the swap seems totes legit.
19. Wasn't Totes Legit a mobster in the 1930s?
Please! This is no time to be whimsical!
20. Sorry. Premier Ford has allowed that the process of selling off some of the Greenbelt to developers could have been better. The process could have been better. The process. Is the problem. Is this a deck chairs on the Titanic sort of admission?
Maybe. But if it is, I think we can all agree that the band's rendition of "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" will be a great comfort to all the wildlife that's going to be destroyed on deck one.
21. Premier Ford has claimed that he did not know that the deal had been made, or how it had been made. How credible is this claim?
Premier Ford would deny he was Premier Ford if he thought it would be to his political benefit.
22. The Premier said that nobody in his government benefited from the deal. Is this true?
Is getting campaign contributions from land developers a benefit?
23. Oh boy. How does this compare to the previous Liberal government's billion dollar natural gas boondoggle?
It's eight times the scandal. Nobody can say the Conservative Party doesn't think big!
24. This feels really slimy. How long am I going to have to shower to feel clean again?
Your skin sensitivity may vary.