Headlines Had a Bad Case of the Yips

...Exhibiting An Unexpected Bout Of Modesty

"Russia confirms death of Wagner leader
Officials say genetic testing of bodies conforms to plane manifest, but offer no word on cause" - Toronto Star

They Kept Us Further Apart From Each Other

"How lockdowns brought us closer to a cure for the common cold" - Toronto Star

Lab Rats Never Do

"Make sure to read fine print" - Toronto Star

Follow That Up By Shifting Them Away From Mid- And Back-line Policing And You'll Have Real Change!

"'FBI of the north' model explored for RCMP
Sources say prime minister, senior Mounties support shift away from front-line policing" - Toronto Star

One Of Which Involved A Sexist Headline

"Trudeau's wife unwinds in post-separation snaps" - Toronto Sun

COVIDfest - It Has A Ring To It

"Twenty years on, SARSfest still rocks" - Toronto Star

Keeping Your Pants Up Is A Good Crime Fighting Strategy

"THE CULT OF 'BUKELISMO'
President's anti-crime tactics - and fashion choices are emulated by his Latin American counterparts" - Toronto Star

Claimed He Can't Be Prosecuted Because It Was Part Of His Duties As President

"He Held Up a Bank For His Own Money" - New York Times

Eww! Why Did You Headline That? I Will Never Be Able To Unread It!

"Ontarians think being a Ford friend comes with benefits" - Toronto Star

Union Advised Him: Third Time's A Charm

"Cop charged with cigar smuggling attempt
Toronto officer was already facing allegation he had stolen cars, dead woman's credit card" - Toronto Star

Death Race Protest 2023

"City worker probed after car drives into protester
Incident took place at pro-car rally opposed to changes to the flow of vehicle traffic in High Park" - Toronto Star

Unfortunately, This News Puts Public To Sleep

"Surgeries cancelled over lack of experts
Call for more anesthesiologists in operating rooms" - Toronto Star

We're Doomed, Proof #237

"Our political parties need to work together" - Toronto Star

 Foul Play Suspected
75 Year-old Turtle Questioned
Family Members Complain About "That Brazen Hussy"

"125-year-old snapping turtle found dead" - Toronto Star

Vanilla Yogurt Was Standard - Now It's Strawberry

"Blair touts overseeing culture change with Toronto police"
- Toronto Sun

Unfortunately, The Political System Was Not Created With The Appropriate Keyboard Command

"We must be able to undo our leaders' errors" - Toronto Star

 Oh, There Are Plenty Of Takers
It's Just That None Of Them Have The Winning Ticket

"No takers for $70M lottery" - Toronto Star

I Know Narcissists Are Their Biggest Cheerleaders, And Yet...

"Trump fan leads race for next president" - Toronto Star

I Don't Think So - I Don't Want To Have To Deal With The Embarrassment Of My Money Working Harder Than I Do

"Allocate every dollar to avoid 'lazy money' - Toronto Star

Then, They Should Have Elected A Different Government

"The people of Ontario deserve to know the truth" - Toronto Star

The "Made In China" Label Should Have Been The First Clue

"We've got 'Canadian Dream' all wrong" - Toronto Star

They Just Need A Little Time To Find Erno's Nose

"Junta leader says Niger will restore civilian rule within three years" - Toronto Star

 Oh, You're Being Too Modest
Far Too Modest
Absurdly Modest, If You Want The Truth Of It

"If Canada's divided, that's on Trudeau"
- Toronto Sun

We Had To Destroy The Greenbelt To Save It

"Housing crisis needs 'war effort' approach" - Toronto Star

It's Hard To Make Fun Of Coworkers Without Leaving A Trail

"Work from home never worked for me" - Toronto Star

Claims She Didn't Want To Ruin Surprise Of Her Son's Second Birthday

"Mom charged with lying about gun purchases" - Toronto Star

Don't Expect Policies To Do It

"Land-use polices need more probing" - Toronto Star

But It May Make The Future More Bearable For Many Present Residents

"DUNDAS STREET
Name change won't fix past" - Toronto Star

Blazes Are Growing Like...Well, They're Growing A Lot!

"National wildfire strategy is needed" - Toronto Star

 Claiming Anthropogenic Climate Change Isn't Real Is Climate Denial
Opposing The Liberals Is Just A Bonus

"Opposing the Liberals isn't climate denial" - Toronto Sun

How Were We To Know That It Was Actually A Rhinoceros?

"Things got weird after we found dog" - Toronto Star

Unfortunately, 87% Of Conservatives In Survey Approve

"Greenbelt scandal hurts Ford, poll shows
Survey of Ontario voters finds nearly two-thirds believe premier catering to friends, supporters" - Toronto Star