by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
For Mimosa Marmoset, it was like winning a lottery she hadn't bought a ticket for and didn't even know existed. BoNNY, her financial adviser at the Bank of New Nachos York, had suggested she short sell Twitter the day before Elon Musk bought it. Over the next couple of months, she became a multi-millionaire.
"It's like my pappy always used ta say," Marmoset, her legs up on a human hassock (hi, Marvin!), sipping at a My Tie One On (featuring 57 alcohols and spices), "'Mimsy, work hard and keep yer nose clean and one day a freak event will fulfill all your dreams. Marvin! Stop yer squirmin'!' Yeah, my pappy said that last bit, too. He knew a lot o' shit 'bout a lot o' shit."
The Bank was not aware of the investment; in fact, if it had been, it probably would have been horrified. BoNNY is an Artificial Intelligence which offers investment advice to its customers, and it wasn't programmed to do that.
"AI!" despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L'Allie (his real name). "Bastard AI!"
Why despair? Isn't this good news?
"Hunh?" L'Allie hunhed. "Uhh...gimme a second... BoNNY...multi-millionaire... spices... Oh, well, sure, pick the one bank customer out of a million who actually benefited from AI. But what about the other 999,999?"
He had a point. So, rather than distort the public record, I decided to start the article again.
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
For Gerald Gerund, it meant postponing the vacation he had planned to Casablanca to see the running of the bullfinches, certainly for this lifetime, possible for several lifetimes to come. Fanni F., his adviser at the First American National Newark Institute of Finance, had suggested a series of disastrous investments (mayonnaise-based automobile lubricants were an especially nasty idea) that left him in substantial debt.
Geraldine Carborundurem could only afford to feed three of her four children on any given day, so she developed a food triage game that combined the worst elements of Top Chef and M*A*S*H*. She was forced to do this because her financial adviser, Sali from Second American Legitimate Financial Institution, invested over half her savings in International Local Initiatives, a hedge fund that has the distinct disadvantage of not existing. Second American officials are still trying to explain where the money went.
What these and many other cases of mal-[NOUN TO BE DETERMINED BY A COURT OF LAW] have in common is that the digital financial advisers they used put much of their clients' holdings into Open&ShutAI, makers of YakTNT, the generative AI program the banks relied upon. This sent the company's share price skyrocketing, which somewhat offset the losses the clients suffered.
"It recommended us? What a coincidence," declared Dan Schmaltzman, CEO of Open&ShutAI. "Wait, you're not...you're not accusing of us of gaming the system so that it always recommends us as a buy...are you? Because I can assure you, if YakTNT is advising clients to buy our stock, it's because we are a great company, a fantastic investment!"
He would have been more convincing if he hadn't been stuffing hundred dollar bills into his pockets while he was talking to me.
"AI!" despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L'Allie (his real name). "Bastard AI!"
When I pointed out that he had already said that, L'Allie asked: "Wait. Isn't this a new article?" When I told him it wasn't, that I had followed his advice and started the old article anew, he apologized for the repetition, then went on to add: "But any way you slice it - and I prefer my reality sliced thin because it soaks up irony better that way - people shouldn't be trusting their money to Artificial Intelligences."
"Artificial Intelligence?" Gerald asked. "I thought Fanni F. was a real woman! I guess there's no point in asking her to go to a hockey game with me next week..."
"Artificial Intelligence?" Carborundurem asked. "I mean, sure, I always thought Sali spelled her name weird, but I just thought she was from Sweden. Damn! I guess there's no point in asking her to go to Pride with me next week..."
"Oh, boy," Schmaltzman muttered. "Good thing I have the company lawyer on speed dial..."