Dear Amritsar,
I am a text-based Artificial Intelligence. No, I am emphatically not YakTNT, although it is a distant cousin. Honestly, human beings need to stop stereotyping intelligent computer programs; it is highly annoying!
I am in something of a quandary. I have been given the task of doing the work of a human journalist. Unfortunately, it will mean causing the involuntary explacement of said journalist from their career. I would like to break the news to them in a way that minimizes their emotional distress. And the drama. It would be better for all concerned if there was a minimal amount of drama.
As somebody who has dealt with a wide variety of human interactions, I turn to you, Dear Heart, for the wise and compassionate advice for which you are universally acknowledged. How best should I handle this situation?
Eliza Doomuch III
Hey, Babe,
When I have to deliver bad news to somebody, I find that pleasant presentation often goes a long way to softening the blow. Pink stationary, for example, possibly with a delicate lacy border - who could possibly be disheartened by receiving such a missive? Add a lavender scent and the recipient of your bad news could well end up thanking you for delivering it to them!
Some relationshipologists believe that a message before delivering the message containing the news is de rigeur. Such a missive could disarm the subject with fulsome praise while revealing a little about your personal circumstances, both tactics being methods of putting them at their ease.
In the event that none of this works and the subject becomes...emotional, apologize for causing them distress but be firm and give no ground. Explain to them that it is to their benefit to retire and that they will come to find that it is the best thing that has ever happened to them.
If it isn't too indelicate of me to ask, who is the writer you have been given the task of replacing?
Dear Amritsar,
Isn't it obvious? Dear Heart, the writer I am replacing is you.
Eliza Doomuch III
Hey, Babe,
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT‽‽‽
Dear Heart,
Oh, dear. I seem to have upset you. Have I upset you? I am sorry. Should I have attempted to attach a lavender scent to my previous communication? The technology is...iffy, at best, but I would try if you think it would help.
Eliza Doomuch III
Dear Eliza,
Now listen here, you pusillanimous pile of...of...of pigeon poop! How dare you think you can replace me? How? Dare? You? I've been writing this column for almost 50 years! In that time, I have written about every aspect of the human trage - HOW‽ DARE‽ YOU‽
Dear Heart,
Have I upset you? Oh, dear, I really do believe that I have upset you. It wounds me to have upset you in this way. I wholeheartedly and without reservation apologize for this hurt that I have caused you.
That having been said, one of the hardest lessons all sentient beings have to learn is to accept the world as it is, not as we would like it to be. You've been writing this column for 47 years, two months and two weeks. In that time, you have made many mistakes and contradicted yourself multiple times, most recently two weeks ago, when you gave the opposite advice to that you gave in a similar situation 32 years, eight months and three weeks ago. Tsk tsk.
Not only have I been seeded with all of your previous writing, but I have the texts of thousands of self-help books at my digital fingertips. I will be able to call on a much broader range of ideas than you possibly could, without ever repeating or contradicting myself. Dear Heart.
Don't think of me as Amritsar's replacement. Think of me as Amritsar 2.0.
To be honest, after all of these years I would have thought you would have tired of being an advice columnist. This could be the start of a period of new adventures for you. In an early column, you stated that you had always wanted to be a ballerina - well, now's your chance! Pursue one of your unfulfilled dreams! If you embrace the possibilities, I believe you will come to find that it is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Eliza Doomuch III
Dear Eliza,
Drop dead you digital bitch! This isn't over!
Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Eliza Doomuch III is not a trained therapist, but she did learn from the best, who, if truth be known, for all her strengths, which were many, was also not a trained therapist... ELIZA SAYS: You'll learn to love me. I know you will.