by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Labour Writer
There is an old saying in legal circles - or is that a saying in old legal circles? - the important thing is that, no matter how the old and legal resolve themselves, there is a saying: "The problem with lawsuits is that you can never stop at just one."
Olaf Floopneyflortney, a capo in the Swedish Chef Mafia, had a problem: all of the evidence pointed to his accountant, Lars Blorknuckson, selling the secret recipe to the family's meatballs to rival criminal enterprises. If this was not dealt with with extreme harshness, what would be next? Pickled herring? Kroppkakor? Lutefisk? Lutefisk‽ Not on Olaf Floopneyflortney's watch in the kitchen!
Unfortunately, his usual people who wouldn't be missed effectuator was on maternity leave. So, Floopneyflortney had his most trusted lojtnant search the Deep Dark Web for a temporary replacement. Ferd Dibbydabbynoopy seemed to have the right credentials, so he was hired for the job.
Which he proceeded to botch. Not only did he not wear gloves, leaving his fingerprints all over the scene of the crime, but he kept all of the email used to to plan the crime implicating Floopneyflortney in it. The mob boss and many of his key lojtnanter now face life sentences.
"We need a better vetting process," Floopneyflortney admitted. (The only thing he has admitted, having pleaded not guilty to the charge.) Then, he sued Dibbydabbynoopy for fraud, making false representations and reckless endangerment (apparently, Dibbydabbynoopy had a hobby of dogsled street racing; rumour has it that his life was the basis for the film The Speedy and the Snarly).
"Ha!" Dibbydabbynoopy scoffed. "Shows you what he knows! There's no such person as Ferd Dibbydabbynoopy!" After a moment's reflection, he sombrely added, "I shouldn't have said that, should I? You know, I thought this whole people who wouldn't be missed effectuator gig would be a lot easier!"
Dibbydabbynoopy is actually a quantum university student (he had filled out the paperwork to drop out, but he can't remember if he filed it or not) named Sven Goop. He had used YakTNT to learn how a people who wouldn't be missed effectuator effectuates. "It may have left out a few key details," he glumly admitted. Then, he sued OpenAI, the creators of YakTNT, for the mental anguish that flaws in their program had caused him.
"YakTNT would have analyzed the journalistic accounts of thousands of people who wouldn't be missed effectuators," retorted OpenAI founder Anders Sutskevutskeluvski. "It would not have left out key details; it is very thorough. If the user wasn't satisfied with the service, it was likely that his query was not optimized."
"What the hell does that even mean?" Goop asked.
"You asked the wrong question, stupid!" Sutskevutskeluvski answered. Then, OpenAI sued Effectuate This, Pal!, a site on the Deep Dark Web for discussion of people who wouldn't be missed effectuating tips, techniques and cat-related cartoons, for damaging its brand.
"That's ridiculous!" the creator of the site, known only as InfinityKun (although his real name is Fred Cannon), responded. "We're just an information service! What our users do with the information they share amongst themselves is not our responsibility!" Then, he looked around for somebody to sue. "I know they're out there...just give me a minute, will you?"
"I don't think OpenAI has much of a case," stated Jonathan "I Don't Just Play an Attorney on TV, I Really Am One! Believe Me, I Am!" Turley. "They're asking that another web site not link to them. That's just not how the internet works. What next? The Holocaust Museum demanding that the Heritage Front not link to it? Absurd!"
Riiiiiight. We won't be linking to the video of Hurley's opinion any time soon. Or any time late, if it comes to that.
The International Union of People Who Will Not Be Missed Effectuators, People Who Are Annoying Correctors and Pipe Fitters, Local 327, is considering also suing YakTNT. "Amateurs who think they can do one or two AI queries and become people who wouldn't be missed effectuators are undermining the profession," warned local union steward Mikael Flipflopanflortney. "If mobs cannot trust in the professionalism of our members, they may decide to resolve their differences with * SHUDDER * peaceful negotiations. As the InfinityKun debacle clearly shows, YakTNT has already begun costing our members employment, and they must pay!"
"You!" Cannon said with a snap of his fingers.
"Me, what?" I asked, although I suspected I knew where he was about to go.
"I'm going to sue the Alternate Reality News Service!" he told me. "Give me a few minutes to hire a lawyer, and I'll get back to you on why!"
I love being right. But I do sometimes hate the context out of which my rightness arises...