Thank you, Haywood Djablowmi (Hee Hee Hee), for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we thought, If asking "What could possibly go wrong?" leads to the worst possible outcome, could asking "What could possibly go right?" lead to the best possible outcome? We tried it. More than once. Things went to shit anyway.
Karma thumbs its nose at us and blows us a raspberry.
Enjoy,The Fish Ungratefuls From The Head
"Are you kidding me? Are you ferking kidding me‽" Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is reported to have shouted at his staff when he saw the latest polls showing former President Donald Trump pulling far ahead of him in the 2024 Republican nomination race. "His base hates abortion? I made it impossible to get an abortion in this state. I. M. P...ossible. And this is the thanks I get? I mean - I mean - I mean, gays, right? Trump's base hates them. So, I went to war with a beer company to show them how much I could hate gays. Hell, I went to war with the biggest employer in my state, a company that is loved throughout the world, to fight the gay agenda - and I don't believe there even is a gay agenda! - I mean, have you ever seen a room full of gay men plan a bachelor party? They can't even do that without fighting - and they're supposed to have an agenda? That they all agree on? And keep a secret? You would think fighting them would get me some cred with Republicans, right? Wrong!
"Ferking ingrates! Don't they realize how much damage I've done to my state...for them‽"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2023/ALLPOLITICS/04/19/reps.main/index.html]
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Elon's Day Journey Into Night
Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre suggested that Twitter label the CBC "state sponsored media." A week later, Elon Musk made it so.
Then, Poilievre suggested that Twitter label the Liberal Party of Canada "rude, lewd and dangerous to know." A couple of days later, Musk made it happen.
Then, Poilievre suggested that Twitter label Harold McBoingboing of New Oldminster, Newfoundland, "just some random dude we don't like." Within an hour, Musk did.
Who knew the leader of the Conservative Proto-fascist Party of Canada had so much power?
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Barry Humphries Could Have Brilliantly Filled Either Role
ACTORS WANTED: Male. Should be between the ages of 64 and 80. Must closely resemble King Charles III. Must be available for fundraising events, raffles, coronation celebrations and corporate parties, sometimes on short notice. Positions filled.
POSITIONS WANTED: For female actors, aged 75 to 90, who closely resemble Queen Elizabeth II. Willing to be available for fundraising events, raffles and corporate parties. Willing to work on short notice. Very short notice. Like give us a minute to throw on some pearls short notice.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/040938.qrhtml]
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And Is That A Healthy Orange Glow He's Sporting, Or Is There Something Wrong With My Computer Monitor's Colour?
Is it just my imagination, or is Lindsay Graham's hair looking like he's getting it done at the same stylist as Donald Trump? Asking for a friend. (Who wants to stay away from the stylists of either man.)
SOURCE: Asking for a Friend: Your Source of Impertinent Questions for the New Millennium
[http://A4AF.com/New]
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SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Baby right-wing propaganda networks are so adorable, don't you think? I certainly think so. They way they spit and hiss in their cribs. The way their pudgy little fingers slap the face of anybody who looks at them too closely. And you never forget their first words: "Liberals are pedophiles!" Henh - those are the precious moments any proud parent will treasure. But how do you make sure they grow up right? That's the subject of my new documentary: No Big O for Canada. The headlines would have you believe that the new film is my argument for why the United States should invade Canada. Oh, sure, it's that. But even more, it's a boost for Rebel Media, my way of introducing them to the big leagues. With my guidance, Rebel Media should grow up big and strong and make all those liberal media outlets cry like babies!
SOURCE: Turducken Carlson This Late Afternoon
[https://www.fixed.com/turducken-carlson-this-late-afternoon/]
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You May Remember His Work In The Stage And Film Productions Of Field Agent on the Roof
Chaim Topol, who spied on Arab enemies of Israel, has died at the age of 87. His work was not glamorous: it consisted mostly of reconnaissance missions, gathering information for Mossad, the national intelligence agency of Israel. Between gigs, he also did a little acting.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Well, Are You, Mum...k? Are You Feeling Lucky?
Texas Governor Gregg Abbott, under attack for the state's complete ban on abortion, has clarified that he would accept exceptions to the law. For instance, the abortion could proceed if the unborn baby carrier had lost 73% of her blood on a blood moon when Texas Rangers fans were howling for the blood of the team's manager. "You see?" Governor Abbott sophistried. "We are willing to allow some exceptions. So, cut us some slack, already, why doncha?"
Critics of the policy point out that it would only be available to 0.0000037% of Texas women. "Can you imagine what it would be like to be refused an abortion because you had only lost 72% of your blood?" demanded former Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards. "Or if the blood moon had already started waning? And how loud must the howling be to reach the threshold of a doctor granting an abortion to a woman? This is an exception in name only!"
"So, any woman who wants to terminate a pregnancy must ask herself, 'Am I feeling lucky?'" Governor Abbott responded. "You didn't really think we would be making it easier for women, did you?"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2023-04-18-no-waaaaaaaaaaay-abbott_x.htm]
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