by ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN, Alternate Reality News Service Sports Writer
Place this one in the circular file marked "Ideas That Seemed Good At The Time..." right next to all the bare chicken bones, Tamagochis and used tissues.
Last weekend, players of Pokemon Go had to complete a challenge (because there is always a challenge - it's a thing with them, don't ask!) in order to discover the identity of a new character, Paxalexis. The challenge was...different from the game's usual challenges. It consisted mostly of
Paxalexis, the Pacifist Pokemon, is not like any of the other creatures in the game. It offers players either "Sarcasm" or "Letter to the Editor" as its quick attack. Its charged attacks include: "Peaceful Protest," "Rhythmic Chanting" and "Passive Resistance."
Since it was introduced, Paxalexis has yet to win a trainer or grunt battle, not surprising since its attacks are mainly reactive/defensive and do little actual damage. Even when an opponent's screen freezes because of a bad internet connection, the accumulation of damage is so slow that the other person can reestablish their connection and still handily win the battle.
In one case reported in Shanghai, Australia, a player had started a trainer battle against a Noibat using Paxalexis when the opponent's phone was accidentally dropped into a piranha tank in a sports bar in Quito, Alberta, Canada. The battle - raged is perhaps misleading - gentled on for three hours, twenty-seven minutes before the player, who was eight years old, had to go beddy-byes. And the Noibat still had just over half of its energy left!
Needless to say, a Paxalexis battling a Ditto is a test of patience of Andy Warhol's Empire proportions!
Worse for the game's owner, Niantic, Paxalexis comes with a philosophy. "Why are we doing this?" it asks as other Pokemon pummel it. "We are battling each other for the amusement of some higher power we will never get to meet, let alone know. Does that seem right to you? We don't have to do this. We can walk away from battle. We can walk right into the monochromatic background graphic of grass and trees and live off the land, brothers and sisters, as we were meant t - URRRK!"
To date, no other Pokemon have publicly responded to Paxalexis' entreaties. However, a representative of Gardevoirs has said that some of them found its analyses "flawed, but interesting."
"Sometimes, I grow weary of the struggle," a representative for Rhyperiors admitted. "I find a lot to admire about Paxalexis' ‘Peaceful Conflict Resolution' attack...if ‘attack' is the right word. But when I am thrown into battle and the electronic adrenaline starts to flow, I forget all of that and wholeheartedly enter into the battle. I'm sorry! It's how I was programmed!"
Given its lack of success on the battlefield, you have to wonder why players would choose Paxalexis for battle, yet a surprisingly large number do. As one might expect, your mild outrage may vary.
Some players deploy Paxalexis strategically. "I like to lull my opponents into a false sense of security by letting them beat Paxalexis," explained Kari Obeewary, a chicken stapler (some people are fortunate that their hobbies become their professions) from Salt Lake City, Kenya. "Then, I come in with a Dialga or a Tyranitar and POW POW POW - they don't know what hit them!"
Kari is only eight years old. She has a great career in Mixed Martial Arts ahead of her.
"I like the little guy's message," said Bill Druthers, an unemployed member of Drifters, Grifters and Background Players Union, local 52 (Waist) in Dar Es Salaam, France. "I know the odds are against him - like really against him - like whole planet and throw in a couple of moons against him - but I keep hoping that he will beat the odds and, you know, win."
Bill is only 58 years old. He has a great career in Mixed Martial Arts behind him.
"I know I may be pursuing a lost cause," one Paxalexis told me, "and not just because Lost Cause is a special charged attack I get when I am captured in a grunt battle and purified. But lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. I heard that in a movie once, so I know it must be true..."