by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex Writer
It happens to everybody sooner or later. You're pleasuring yourself to your favourite internet porn (whether of a sexual, financial or medical nature - we don't judge, here) when, out of nowhere, Tiddles your Persian Blue, or Twaddles, your Iranian Orange, or Mister Glumnuts, your Tasmanian Charcoal Grey with a Hint of Silver (it's okay what you name your cat - we don't judge, here) jumps in your lap, demanding attention. This is especially disconcerting when you don't own a cat.
Either way: mood blown.
The Goldberg Institute believes it has developed a method that will make interruptus felinus a thing of the past. Kitty Cornered is software that uses the Internet of Things to recognize when the bad, bad, very bad thing is about to happen and stop it.
"As a matter of fact, I am allergic to the furry little bastards," commented Gil "Gill Gull Gilly" Gilhooley, head of Research for the Goldberg Institute. "But I am committed to * SCIENCE! *, so I am delighted to be the one to introduce the technology."
Kitty Cornered starts by monitoring a user's FitBurt (what? Health conscious people can't also be fans of actor Reynolds?). When the user's pulse increases and respiration rises, it checks the front door and windows of the user's home to ensure that it isn't because robbers have broken in. If that is negative, it then checks the user's computer to determine if the user is watching porn (from a checklist the user filled out when configuring the software). If the user isn't watching porn, the software assumes they're having a heart attack and does nothing.
Once Kitty Corner has determined that its user is, in fact, masturbating, it reads a chip in the collar of the cat or cats in the household to determine where it or they are in relation to the pleasure seeker. When a cat gets within 30 feet of the user, a personal assistant such as SiriUs or Alexandrina starts playing bird calls in a distant part of the domicile. If a cat gets within 20 feet of the user, its personal assistant will make the sound of a bag of cat treats being shaken farther away. If a cat gets within 10 feet of the user, Kitty Corner will power up a series of laser pointers set in strategic places around where the user lives, making slow circles on the floor with the intention of leading the cat or cats away from the room where the user is busy getting down.
What if somebody owns a cat who is not fascinated by birds, tempted by treats or led astray by small red dots on the floor? "No technology is perfect," Gilhooley allowed. "Still, in clinical trials, users succeeded in spilling their seed and...umm...flowing their eggs? - 97% of the time. The other 3% got counselling for their frustration."
Spilling their seed?
"Yeah, I'm chaste. I'm saving my seed until I find a field worth plowing," Gilhooley innocently stated. Some people are just metaphor-impaired. "Still. * SCIENCE! *. Glad to be leading the research to combat this...affliction?"
Wouldn't it be far less trouble - not to mention, at $699 for the complete suite of software, far less expensive - just to close the door to your room? (Okay, we may be judging a little, here.)
"Kitty Cornered is fully customizable," Gilhooley pointed out. "You can, for example, choose which birds your personal assistant will use to distract the attention of the cats, or choose from three dozen different treat bag sounds to best approximate the one you actually use and your shaking technique."
I wasn't sure that this answered the question. In fact, I was pretty sure it avoided it harder than a gang member avoided a grand jury subpoena. So, I repeated the question.
"As more people learn about how useful Kitty Cornered is, economies of scale should bring the price down," Gilhooley answered. "But we're also working on a discounted version with fewer features - not as many pre-programmed bird calls, for instance. That version should satisfy unsatisfied pleasure seekers on a budget."
And the door? What about just closing the door?
According to Gilhooley, that would not be an option for people who live in open-concept apartments, or have Closed Door Aversion Syndrome. He added that a significant number of cats were able to get into spaces you would think it would be impossible for them to reach. Teleportation may be involved.
Teleportation?
Gilholley sighed and said, "Some people have no faith in * SCIENCE! *!"