by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex Writer
It's as if Florida Governor Ron DeSantis looked on in envy as Texas Governor Greg Abbott used a device meant to help women track their periods to infer whether they had had an abortion and said, "Hold my beer. My beaker full of beer. Because beakers are scientific. And I'm about to science the shit out of this."
DeSantis directed his government to buy 100 All Sides - Now!s from a guy online named Chetski. "I got a good discount for volume," the Governor explained. "Nobody can accuse me of wasting taxpayer dollars!" He then issued an executive order hiring a private firm to patrol the streets of Florida's major cities.
DeSantis' Dyrty Dawgs, as the patrollers came to be known, use the All Sides - Now! to determine who is having sex (or, at least, who is enjoying it enough to register on the device). Their names, addresses and length of orgasm are entered into a database; nine months later the police do an interview with the woman involved to determine if she has had a child. If not, it's "Cuff 'em, Dano. Florida style!"
There are many ways of pleasuring one's partner that don't involve penetration. What if the man and woman weren't having intercourse? "It's a waste of the elements of conception," stated Florida Secretary of State "Cut the" Cord Byrd, "which is a misdemeanour. It's not our preferred charge, but we do what we can to protect the sanctity of life."
What if the All Sides - Now! detects two women having sex? "We have to let them off with a warning," Secretary "Flip 'em the" Byrd responded. "Not to worry, though: we have laws coming that will take care of that."
Not all sex leads to conception. Sometimes the woman is not in the fertile part of her menstrual cycle; sometimes the man's sperm hasn't had its morning coffee and is just too low-energy to be bothered penetrating the woman's egg. Is there an exception for these types of situations?
"Absolutely!" Secretary "Blue" Byrd "of Happyness" answered. "As long as the couple gets signed affidavits from at least three doctors that they made a good faith effort to conceive a child, but their bodies just weren't up to it, they can be out within 48 hours. 24 hours if they're willing to try and conceive in jail."
But how can they get medical affidavits when they aren't even told they have been surveilled until nine months after the event? Secretary "DeSantis' Dyrty" Byrd "Dawg" waved the objection away. "People have to take some responsibility for their actions!"
Speaking of surveillance, Republicans have traditionally been the party of small government which does the least to impinge on the freedom of individual Americans. Isn't monitoring the sexual behaviour of citizens the opposite of that?
"Ooh! Ooh! I got this one!" Governor DeSantis shoved Secretary "Free" Byrd aside to get to the mic. "No. The Republican Party of Florida is dedicated to allowing every citizen to go about their daily lives free from government surveillance."
But...but...but government agents are literally eavesdropping - feelsdropping? - on people's sexual pleasure in what should be the privacy of their own homes!
Governor DeSantis shook his head. "That's not a violation of their privacy," he argued, "because the Republican Party of Florida is dedicated to ensuring the privacy of all of our citizens."
I was about to press the question when a wave of futility hit me harder than a tsunami hitting a coastal town and I had to sit down. This allowed the reporter from the Postington Wash to ask about allegations that the patrols have been unevenly applied, that they are more likely to target neighbourhoods like Liberty City in Miami or south of Central Avenue in St. Petersburg, neighbourhoods that contain mostly poor people of colour.
"You want us to patrol Indian Creek Island or Boca Ciega Bay?" Governor DeSantis gasped. "Have you not heard anything I said about the Republican Party's dedication to the privacy of our citizens? Clear the wax out of your ears, sister! You're in the big leagues, now!"
It may be ironic that a politician who believes Jesus resurrected the dinosaurs in order to make The Flintstones look like a documentary, and evolution must be a hoax because how could it possibly explain the existence of Enrique Tarrio* would turn to technology to help him fulfill his religious agenda. But then, I'm a huge Alannis Morissette fan, so what do I know?
* The theory does allow for evolutionary dead ends.