by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
It's known as the Driver's Dilemma.
Suppose you (hypothetical you, not actual you) are driving down a street at one in the morning and come to a red light (an actual red light, not a hypothetical red light). There are no other cars on the road, so hypothetical you could go through the real red light without accident. Still, do you of the hypothetical disposition want to risk a cop appearing out of nowhere (there's always a cop around when you don't need one!)? Most hypothetical yous will sit at the light for 17 seconds until it turns green.
That's 17 seconds you hypothetically could have used to brush your teeth, or answer three Jeopardy questions (two wrong, but at least you tried), or pet your cat until it bit you, or did any number (as long as it isn't 2,377) of things other than sitting at a red light. If only somebody would do something to give you back those 17 seconds!
Now, somebody is trying to do just that.
TrafficBetter (not yet a subsidiary of MultiNatCorp - "We do trafficky stuff" - but the company is young) has developed software that could improve the driving experience. A chip inside cars determines their position using the Global Positioning System (GPS), then sends that information over the Internet of Things (IoT) to the nearest traffic light. Artificial Intelligence (AI) in the light assesses whether it is getting a signal from any other vehicles and, seeing none, immediately changes the red to green.
That's all fine and well for vampires and travelling salesmen, you (for the last time: in a hypothetical sense) think to your not entirely real self. However, will it help people who travel in daytime traffic?
Does Alex Trebek have all the answers?
Imagine chips being implanted in all vehicles: cars, trucks, motorcycles, scooters, tricycles, pogo sticks, baby carriages, etc. IoT sensors installed at eye level at each intersection using Machine Vision (MV) and Radar (R) determines which types of vehicles are moving through it. The GPS from each tells the road which direction each of them is going and their approximate speed. AI with advanced Game Theory (GT) programming (example: two prisoners are being given an offer: squeal on the other and get double rations or don't and get triple rations: what are the odds that one of them driving a tractor trailer will meet cute with the bike courier in their blind spot, with tragic consequences?) then calculates the best pattern of lights to optimize the flow of traffic.
"It will improve the city driving experience," enthused Shamir "The Whole Schmear" Haaretz, Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of TrafficBetter. "In cities where we have tested the system, cases of road rage decreased by 57% - that's not chopped liver! Mmm...chopped liver - would you excuse me for a moment?"
As enthusiastic as Haaretz was about his product (not to mention his midday snack), it is not without controversy. Critics point out that BetterTraffic could be used by unscrupulous governments (those with a scruple loose) to monitor the movement of its citizens. How does the chip safeguard against this?
"Mmm, yeah," Haaretz stated through a mouthful of bagel. "Although we use MV, the software does not do facial recognition or licence plate reading. Would you like some of this? It's really good!"
But what about the government collecting data on the movement of vehicles through their chips?
"We, uhh, we don't do facial recognition or licence plate reading."
Well, that's comforting.
"You sure you don't want any of this? I'll take the last bit if you don't mind."
I considered asking Haaretz about non-technological means of improving traffic, such as widening roads or improving public transit. But the way he brandished the knife he was using to spread the chopped liver made me think a different line of questioning was called for.
So, I asked, instead, how much time can motorists expect to save on their commute when the new system is implemented? Forty minutes? An hour?
"We aren't quite that ambitious..." Haaretz admitted.
Fifteen minutes? Half an hour?
"You have to appreciate that urban traffic is a complex -"
Five minutes? Ten minutes?
"Seventeen seconds."
Seventeen seconds? That's barely enough time to brush your teeth, or answer three Jeopardy questions (all wrong, but at least you tried), or pet your cat until it bit you! Is it really worthwhile to deploy all of this advanced technology for such little effect?
"Sheesh!" Haaretz sheeshed me. "You got something against a man making an honest living, already?"
Stan Ridgway was unavailable for comment.