by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
In the attic of his Mara-Lara-Dingdong home, former President and Commander-in-Briefs Ronald McDruhitmumpf keeps a sufficiently-technologically-advanced-to-be-magical object. No, it is not a portrait that ages while he remains young (have you seen a photo of him, lately? He looks like an orange version of the Getstuft Marshmallow Man!). It is a traitorometer.
The object looks like a grandfather clock, except the hour hand is a dagger and the minute hand is a switchblade. And the pendulum is a bomb hanging by a thick fuse. And the case features gruesome images by Mad Magazine artist Sergio Aragonedaddes. And it doesn't tell time, exactly.
The traitorometer (okay, it's not your grandfather's grandfather clock) monitors news outlets and social media for references to the former President. When it finds one, it compares the names mentioned in the report to a list of his allies. Then, it employs a sophisticated algorithm (basically: "love," "great" and "revolution" = positive, while "illegal," "immoral" and "insurrection" = negative) to determine if they are praising or condemning him.
The traitorometer chimes for each time a supposed ally makes a comment that could in any way be construed as negative. When it chimes three times, the object sends a tweep on the former President's Twitherd account questioning the person's judgment. When it chimes six times, it sends out a tweep wondering if the person has been brainwashed by gliberals. When it chimes nine times, it gives the person a derogatory nickname (like Marco "Little Bath Toy" Rubydubio or Ted "How Does Such A Smart Guy Say Such Stupid Things?" Downandmotleycrewz). When it chimes 11 times (because former President McDruhitmumpf is not a patient man), an email is sent to the person telling him that he and the former President are no longer friends.
"Enemies lists are kind of out of fashion," said journalist David Cay Johnstonmassacre, who has been covering the former president for what seems like decades, but has only been about 30 years. "But give the Ronald credit: he follows his own path, even when it has brambles sharp enough to cut diamonds. Hell for his followers, sure, but if I had to guess - and I love to guess - guessing is what has kept journalism fresh for me for so long - I would say that he long ago lost all feeling in his legs!"
This strange device explains why Reduhblicans continue to support the former President, even those who secretly wish he would choke on a hamberder: they live in fear of its chimes. They know they will lose followers if it chimes six times, and they will lose primaries if nine chimes ring out.
When he hears nine chimes at midnight (a couple of chimes short of an Orson Wellesitoldyaso film), former President McDruhitmumpf throws his support behind candidates to run against establishment Reduhblicans. These candidates are usually so extreme they make his base salivate (he makes a tidy sum selling "Make Vesampucceri Grate Again" bibs and napkin sets), ensuring that they will win the primary for the nomination; but their extremity turns off the general electorate faster than bug spray kills roaches in television commercials, all but ensuring they lose the general election.
Privately, this has enraged Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich, whose dreams of leading a majority in his house of Congress seem to be dashed on the reef of a strange technology. "If...Ronald McDruhitmumpf is...is...is the party's candidate, I - I - I will...vote. For. Hiiiiiiii - him! I will vote for him!" Wichconnelliswich, in his most pained turtley tones, has said publicly.
"You know what they say," Johnstonmassacre commented. "If the conniption fits..."
"This is the Faustlastandelwaysian bargain the Reduhblicans have made," commented journalist Tim O'Mygordbrien, who has covered the former President long enough to remember his original skin colour.
Once the traitorometer has chimed enough for a person to be given a nickname, is there any way to get back in the former President's good graces? According to O'Mygordbrien, a blood sacrifice is required, something along the lines of a small household pet or a woman who dies being forced to give birth to a nonviable fetus.
"In an ordinary cult, members are willing to give their lives for their leader," O'Mygordbrien explained. "Oddly enough, that's a disincentive to join for a lot of people. The great thing about the cult of McDruhitmumpf is that members are asked to give other people's lives for their leader. As you might imagine, this approach is much more popular!"