by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court/Justice Writer
Rosetta Magnotta was watching Green Acres - a reality show about a race to find a farm in the United States in which money did grow on genetically modified trees - when a funny thing happened: her television set disappeared in a puff of smoke that smelled of ginger and judicial overreach.
"I know it wasn't a great show," Magnotta stated, "but does that mean I had to lose my TV? That's not funny!"
Jeremy Adde was driving down Highway 61, partially to see if Bob Dylan had written from experience, but mostly to get to Capistrano for the swallows, when his car disappeared in a puff of smoke that smelled of damp sweat socks and radical judicial activism. Like many others, he had to be taken to hospital with third degree burns on his buttocks; as Sir Isaac Newton truly said: "Inertia's a bitch!"
What happened? The Supreme Court happened, that's what.
In Gregorovich v. Board of Wood, the Supreme Court ruled the Federal Communications Commission could not regulate the content of television because televisions weren't explicitly mentioned in the Constitution. The moment the decision came down, sets across the country vanished.
In Morrisette v. State of Confusion, the Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency could not regulate the content of gasoline used in cars because they weren't explicitly mentioned in the Constitution. The moment the decision came down, vehicles across the country vanished. Twenty-seven person pileups were not uncommon.
"I knew that the Supreme Court wanted to take us back to the 18th century," commented legal scholar Lawrence Tribe, "but I didn't think they had the power to -"
Tribe could not finish his sentence because the phones on which we were talking disappeared in a puff of smoke that smelled of parsley, sage, rosemary and judicial jiggery pokery. I could not check before deadline, but I assume that the Supreme Court had ruled in Fershlugginer v. Anselmo that the Federal Exchange Commission did not have the right to regulate the telecommunications system because it wasn't explicitly mentioned in the Constitution.
Before he was cut off, Tribe had stated the Court had developed a theory of "judicial originalism." The astute reader will know what that means. The real question is -
[What about the not entirely astute reader? Brenda Brundtland-Govanni, Editrix-in-Chief]
If that person will just give what they have read a little thought, it should be obvious -
[Our average reader couldn't find the obvious if it walked up to them, shook their hand and said, "Hello, I'm the obvious. How's it going?" Spell it out for them. BB-G]
Umm, okay. J. U. D. I. C. I. -
[You know, I have multiple sets of slapping gloves because situations of this kind crop up so many times in my average work day. Do yourself a favour: skip the comic literalism and get to the point. BB-G]
Right. Judicial originalism is the doctrine that if it wasn't explicitly mentioned in the Constitution, an institution or technology cannot be regulated by law. The real question is: how do the Supreme Court's decisions keep resulting in pieces of the present being stripped away from us?
"Witch...craft," a spooky voice - which could have just been Tribe trying to find another method of communicating with me - intoned.
"That seems unlikely," stated Saskatchewan Kolonoscograd, the Alternate Reality News Service's Religion writer who happened conveniently to be in the office at the time I was writing this article. "The Supreme Court appears poised to impose a Christian theocracy on the United States. But witchcraft is a pagan set of beliefs and practices. It would be like a vegan investing in a cattle ranch - tasty, but totally out of keeping with their core principles."
How does Kolonoscograd explain the changes in the world? Pretty coincidental that they occurred at the precise moment the Supreme Court made a related ruling, don't you think?
"Oh, pooh," she oh poohed me. Me! Like we hadn't been working together for over 70 years! Like we hadn't officiated at the brises of each other's grandchildren! Like we weren't among the last surviving members of a tontine that dates back to the Civil War (and Maddy Madison isn't looking too spry these days!). Like we hadn't exchanged kidneys in a -
"Knock it off, Hal. If you can't take the occasional oh poohing, how are you going to be able to withstand a [STRING OF EXPLETIVES DELETED]ing?"
Duly chastised, I allowed her to explain: "It could just be that the Supreme Court has been taken over by demons from Hell."
Oddly enough, I was not comforted by this explanation.