by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
RCMP Officer Dudley Do-Right, famed across northern Alberta for saving women tied to railroad tracks from oncoming trains, has died of a strained gluteus septis. Moose, squirrels and doormice across the region are mourning the passing of the stalwart civil servant.
Somewhere in the background, a horse whinnied plaintively.
Ordinarily, a strained gluteus septis is not fatal for a cartoon cop. The muscle, which can appear in the chest, head, right hoof or dorsal fin depending upon species and comic possibility, is usually fixed with a heat pack, an ice pick or a cup of strong tea. Why this killed Officer Do-Right is something of a mystery.
Somewhere in the background, a horse whinnied insistently.
"He was a perfectly adequate Mountie," said Officer Do-Right's boss, Inspector Fenwick. "It's a real shame he was taken from us so soon. He was only 61!"
A horse broke into the Alternate Reality News Service offices and trotted up to my desk. In his mouth was an issue of the Frostbite Falls Courier and Beet Root Beer; the headline above the fold on the front page read: "Nursing shortage in Toontown causing massive waiting times. That's not good, people!" The headline below the fold was: "Badenov released from Guantanamo without ever having had a trial. That's not good, people!" The headline along the fold was unreadable.
I gave the horse a carrot I kept in the bottom drawer of my desk in case I met a certain wascally toon. It seemed like the right thing to do.
Years of cutbacks to provincial medical budgets have resulted in three nurses being available for shifts at the Doctor Voodoo Health Clinic in downtown Toontown. When the COVINE pandemic, which erases random body parts of cartoon characters, hit North America, cases quickly overwhelmed the capacity of the medical system across Alberta, causing long waiting lists for life-saving ink transfusions.
"Some sacrifices have had to be made," allowed Alberta Premier Jason Kenney, "but the health system in the province is robust and will be able to handle anything. And anyway, COVINE isn't nearly as dangerous as the liberal press would have you believe - my personal assistant caught it, and she can swim just fine."
The provincial government controls the number of nurses who are allowed to graduate from medical school and practice. Would it be willing to increase those numbers to deal with the shortage?
Premier Kenney snorted (causing a derisive snort to be emitted by the horse in my office). "Are you gonna pay for them? Cause nurses don't pay for themselves!"
Apparently, you can put a price on a life.
The shortage of nurses doesn't affect wealthy toons, of course. When Michael Foster Mouse's white gloves melted off the end of his arms due to COVINE, he flew down to the Mayonnaise Clinic in Florida for career-saving treatment. Whether it is official or not, Alberta appears to have a two-tier health system (a third tier of chocolate icing might make the reality a little more palatable).
"This, I say, this is completely un-a-cceptable, son!" said Toontown Councillor Foghorn Leghorn. "You can't, I say, you cannot have beloved cartoon icons dyin' because o' some political party's health care privatization agenda. That's unfair. That's unright. That, sir, is, I say, that, sir, is downright unAmerican!"
When it was pointed out to the Councillor that Toontown had been moved to Canada because of lower production costs, his eyes narrowed and he responded, "That, I say, that is some low down goose cussin' gabflabberin' dirty pool right there!"
Burnout has accelerated the loss of nursing professionals. "It's insane that I'm the only nurse in the entire hospital for an eight hour shift," whined nurse Squidward Q. Tentacles. "I only have six arms - there's only so much I can do!"
"The system worked, more or less, under normal circumstances," said Alberta Hospital Association spokestoon Mr. Peabody. "However, when an emergency like the COVINE pandemic hit, there wasn't extra capacity to deal with the increased need, and the medical system collapsed faster than a tin can in the gravitational well of a black hole!"
"Gee, Mr. Peabody, that sounds really fast!" said his human Sherman.
"Indeed it was, Sherman. Indeed, it was."
The funeral for Dudley Do-Right will be held at the Betty Boop Funeral Parlour and Ice Cream Shoppe. In lieu of flowers that squirt water, mourners are asked to donate to local politicians who pledge to increase funding for the public health care system.