New Uses For New Technologies [ARNS]

by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer

Time was that technology had to have greying hair, forget where it put its glasses and begin shaking its fist at what mischief the young'uns were getting up to before somebody would come along and give it a new purpose. Without a new purpose, it would invariably ended up "retiring" permanently to a landfill (you know what they say: "ions to ions; rust to rust").

Time is that technology doesn't have time to ask to borrow the keys to the car, experience the sweet sorrow of first love or deal with the awkwardness of its growing body before it is given a new purpose. Technological change is happening so rapidly these days that even technology can't keep up with it.

Case in point (a sharp point that cuts both ways to Tuesday): the creation of the first GoDefundMe page even as GoFundMe's voice is breaking. Instead of giving money to a worthy cause, GoDefundMe takes money away from unworthy causes. The first campaign's goal is to remove 100 million dollars from the budget of the Metropolitan Toronto Police.

"They can't do that!" an apoplectic police union president Mike McCormack bellowed. (To be fair: bellow was his factory reset mode.) "Can they?"

"They can and we will," said community activist Desmond Cole. "The taxpayer giveth and the taxpayer taketh away - it's biblical justice, really."

"Dougie, help me!" McCormack follow-up bellowed.

Ontario Premier Doug Ford looked around nervously, like somebody who knew the feds were closing in and he had nowhere to hide. (To be fair: looking like somebody who knew the feds were closing in and he had nowhere to hide was his factory reset mode.) "I...I mean...you know...technology, man. What can you do?"

"Pass a law!" McCormack helpfully bellowed.

Premier Ford, whose political instincts were about as acute as a neutered hamster, but whose animal cunning was much sharper than a neutered hamster, replied, "I'll, umm, look into it."

Knowing that this was politicalese for, "That'll happen when Hell gets an NHL franchise!" McCormack bellowed inchoately, the ur-bellow out of which all of his other communications grew.

According to the GoDefundMe Page, over decades, the city has taken money out of social programmes and put it into policing, creating an annual budget that is over one billion dollars. What do Torontonians get for that money?

eight police officers arriving at the scene of every reported traffic violation
12 police officers arriving at the scene of every reported domestic dispute
16 police officers arriving at the scene of every reported incidence of walking while black

"I'm underwhelmed by the fact that Toronto is over-policed," Cole stated, grinning. "All of us in the activist community hope the GoDefundMe page will right-police the city."

In its first 24 hours, the GoDefundMe page removed $237,904,049.09 from the Toronto Police Services budget. Comments on the page included:

"It's about time somebody did something about the bloated police budget! If it had burst open, think of the mess it would have made all over the city!"
"I was shot and killed by a white police officer because he mistook the Popsicle I was carrying for a gun. If this GoDefundMe thing had happened a couple of years ago, my black ass might not be grass. About time!"
"If you support this, don't call the cops if you're robbed! Cop haters gonna hate, but if they need protection, they gonna have to wait!"

That last one is an outlier.

Any money taken out of the police budget will be used to fund social housing. If the campaign raises $150 million, its stretch goal is funding mental health services. If the campaign raises $200 million, its further stretch goal is a Universal Basic Income.

"That's a bit of a stretch - no pun intended," Cole said. When I pointed out to him that all puns are intended, he rolled his eyes. (To be fair: rolling his eyes was his factory reset mode.) "The point is that there is nothing wrong with aiming high. Can you imagine taking two hundred million dollars out of the police budget and giving it to social services?"

"I can," McCormack shuddered. As he bellowed. At least he's consistent. "It's the stuff of nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat every night - Dougie, throw me a bone, here!"

"Kinda busy with the pandemic and all, Mike," Premier Ford muttered. "Maybe...maybe I can do something with the notwithstanding clause - let me get the lawyers to look at it..."

"Nooooooooooooo!" McCormack anguishedly bellowed. He knew what that meant!